THE CASE OF THE GREATER GATSBY EPISODE 22 - HAND IN MY POCKET TRANSCRIPT

[The Case of the Greater Gatsby opening credits music plays]

Announcer: Now presenting Fig and Ford in The Case of the Greater Gatsby. Episode 22: Hand in my Pocket. Written and created by Sean Persaud and Sinéad Persaud.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Ford and I regrouped at the office the next morning, haggard and downtrodden. Sure, we'd solved the mystery of the missing script but what did we have to show for it? No more money and confirmation that Mel Hammermeister was a conniving son-of-a-businessman with her own agenda. I suppose at least we'd cleared Wilhelmina's name. And the pages of F. Scott Fitzgerald's script couldn't hurt anyone any longer. But with the possible murder weapon missing and a killer still at large and threatening to kill again, I'd stayed up all night fretting like a guitarist strumming a barre chord. I entered the office feeling like a shell of my former self. One hand in my pocket and the other flickin’ a cigarette.

Ford Phillips: I did notice you'd started smoking again.

Fig Wineshine: Helps me concentrate.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): It was just then that Rex Punchwhistle, who I did indeed remember from our doomed rehearsal of Zelda's play Scandalabra, came barging through our door.

[SFX: DOOR OPENS. Rex Punchwhistle enters.]

Rex Punchwhistle: I have a confession!

Ford Phillips: Our hours are 9-5. Please come back in... (checks watch) Seven minutes.

Fig Wineshine: I think confessions are a 24/7 business. What's the deal Rex? You kill F. Scott Fitzgerald?

Rex Punchwhistle: No. Nothing to do with that.

Fig Wineshine: Well I have been meaning to ask you about the rumors I read in F. Scott Fitzgerald's script. Tawdry stuff. Where'd he get this idea that you and Lex killed your brother Eugene? And now with Lex gone, people might think that you-

Rex Punchwhistle: We DID kill Eugene.

Ford Phillips: Oh good. This storyline's wrapping up.

Fig Wineshine: What?! Rex... How could you-

Rex Punchwhistle: Emotionally. We killed him emotionally.

Fig Wineshine: (disappointed) Ah, I see. Have a seat.

Ford Phillips: I feel like I don't need to be around for this, it feels like your case.

Fig Wineshine: Be quiet. Rex, start talking.

Rex Punchwhistle: (a trip down memory lane) Rex, Lex, and Eugene Punchwhistle! The incredible triplet phenomenon. Three for the price of four! Ha! Life was grand. I should have known that it wouldn't last. Not for a family like ours. Our parents had the three of us in tap shoes before we could say googoo gaga. Then off to auditions instead of going to school. I still don't know what the capital of the United States is! It's so embarrassing!

Ford Phillips: It's Washington DC. There ya go. Just remember that.

Rex Punchwhistle: But eventually it all paid off. People were so charmed by us that the Proctor Theater of Schenectady gave us a residency. We were so happy, the three of us. Performing by night and nursing our aching footsies by day. Finally we got the call. Our show was moving to the Big Apple! I was thrilled. Lex was too. But I could tell Eugene's heart wasn't in it. We made the move and the audiences in NYC adored us even more. Roses were heaped upon us. Agents and producers calling us day and night! Soon we were being flown out to do weekend long stints in Los Angeles. But Eugene didn't want to do it. Said he was scared that the west coast would change our dynamic. But we pressured him.

Ford Phillips: This is going on longer than I'd hoped.

Rex Punchwhistle: I agree. But I'm on a roll. So we got out to LA and we're about to head onstage for our first show when Eugene comes up to us all green in the face. He said he was sick and couldn't do the show. Now of course we've rehearsed the whole thing with just two of us in case one of us ever can't go on. We said "OK brother!" We did the show and it was fine! Lex and I went back to our rental afterwards and found that Eugene's things were all gone. We never saw him again.

Fig Wineshine: I'm missing the part where this is your fault.

Rex Punchwhistle: Don't you SEE?! It was our ambition! Our need for the spotlight! It drove him away. And he'd never been on his own before. I'm sure he's dead.

Ford Phillips: That's a bit of a stretch.

Rex Punchwhistle: Well, why wouldn't he write? Call? Let us know how he was doing? It isn't like him. I'm sure he's dead in a ditch somewhere. Vultures pecking out his beautiful blue eyes.

Fig Wineshine: Keep the gory details to a minimum, this is a PG audio drama.

Rex Punchwhistle: I can't help but blame myself. And then Lex got this horrible note and disappears into thin air! She's lying in a separate ditch and that vulture's cousin is chowing down on her intestines-

Fig Wineshine: We get the picture. Hey, actually... lemme see that note again.

[Rex gives Fig the note.]

Fig Wineshine: "Drop out of the Grapes of Wrath or your twosome will suddenly become a bit more gruesome."

[A KNOCK on the door.]

Fig Wineshine: I hope it's the murderer.

[Ford opens the door. ]

George Astrum: Hello!? This is Ford Phillips and Fig Wineshine's office, right?

Ford Phillips: Say, you sound mighty familiar.

Rex Punchwhistle: EUGENE?!

Eugene Punchwhistle: REXY, MY LITTLE BROTHER!

Rex Punchwhistle: Only by thirty seconds!

[They embrace.]

Rex Punchwhistle: Do you still remember our secret handshake?

Eugene Punchwhistle: The 'no girls allowed' shake? Of course I do!

[Sounds of a SECRET HANDSHAKE go on for way too long. The SQUAWK of a seagull is in there somewhere too. An UMPIRE yells "STRIIIIIIKE THREE!"]

Ford Phillips: I'm sorry, is this the Eugene you were just going on about?

Rex Punchwhistle: It's a Hollywood miracle!

Fig Wineshine: How in the flying-monkeys-of-Oz did you know to come here at this very moment?

Eugene Punchwhistle: Welllll-

Ford Phillips: WAIT.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Ford shushed Eugene silently, his eyes wide and brain working overdrive. He grabbed a paper and pen and thrust them into Eugene's hands, gesturing for him to write his answer instead of speaking it. Eugene scribbled something down on the paper and slid it back to Ford. Ford read it and nodded with a smug smile. Hey. Ford. Stop keeping secrets. Meet me over in voice over land.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Sheilah Graham's Radio show. That's how Eugene knew where Rex was and that he was looking for him. Sheilah's been reporting gossip on her show as she hears it. Which means-

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): She's got our office bugged. But how!

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Well, we had all those movers here the other day. She could have-

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Yes. That's it. The day of the move, TD was here. He couldn't stop sneezing. Sheilah's chamomile infused stupid face was here disguised as a mover and she bugged our place!

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Be careful what you say. We'll find the bug after everyone leaves.

[Eugene and Rex are deep in conversation.]

Rex Punchwhistle: But WHY did you leave without so much as a whisper? You had to know I lost one third of my heart that day.

Eugene Punchwhistle: When I saw you and Lex on stage that night together, I knew I was holding you back. I had to quit, but I knew you and Lex would never let me. I ran. And I'm so sorry. I had no idea you were so torn up about it. I assumed you'd forgotten me.

Rex Punchwhistle: Forgotten you?! The guilt and shame of losing you has become my whole personality!

Fig Wineshine: It's true, he won't shut up about it.

Eugene Punchwhistle: Well, now we can all be a family again.

Rex Punchwhistle: Nooooo we can’t!!!

Fig Wineshine: Oh, I see you haven't heard about Lex.

Eugene Punchwhistle: Heard what?

[Fig hands over the note.]

Fig Wineshine: Read this note. It'll give you the gist.

[Eugene GASPS.]

Rex Punchwhistle: She's missing, Eugene. We'll never find her-

[The door OPENS again. ]

Lex Punchwhistle: Boys! I've returned! Eugene/Rex Punchwhistle: LEX? Lex Punchwhistle: Eugene?! Is that YOU?!

Eugene Punchwhistle: Come here sissy! BEAR HUG!

Ford Phillips: Oh good, this is all coming together really nicely. Can I go get a sandwich?

Fig Wineshine: Sit down. Lex, what in the world. Where have you been? You know they recast you, right?

Lex Punchwhistle: I know. But I just couldn't sit around and act in silly pictures anymore while Eugene was out there missing.

Rex Punchwhistle: You could have at least left a note, Lex. I've been out of my mind!! (to Fig) Tell her!

Fig Wineshine: It's true. I'm generally a pretty compassionate person, but this guy's been on my last nerve.

Lex Punchwhistle: But I did leave a note! Right on your dressing room door, Rex!

Rex Punchwhistle: Well THIS is the only note I got.

[He hands the threatening note to Lex.]

Lex Punchwhistle: "Drop out of the Grapes of Wrath or your twosome will suddenly become a bit more gruesome?!" Oh you poor thing. No wonder you were so worried about me! I heard all about it on-

Ford Phillips: SHH!

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Lex was about to name drop Sheilah Graham's Radio show. I couldn't have her knowing we knew what she was up to. I wrote a note on a piece of paper and slid it over to her. It said "Don't mention the radio show." She looked up at me with a wink. Boy, there sure are a lot of notes in this episode. Anyone else confused?

Lex Punchwhistle: Say, this threatening note! It's all cut out from newspapers and such but this part right here looks like it was cut right out of the note I wrote for Rex. See here? "Drop out of the Grapes of Wrath?" In my note I said how sorry I was to have to 'drop out of the Grapes of Wrath.' My typewriter has a little splotch that appears whenever I type the letter "O." See? Right in the center there. That's from my note, all right. Someone took my note from Rex's door and used it for this one!

Fig Wineshine: You're right! The whole dang phrase is cut right out. This wicked wordsmith is getting lackadaisical. And this means it's definitely someone that works at the studio.

Lex Punchwhistle: I'm so sorry you were worried, little brother! No matter. What it all comes down to is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine. We're all together again and this nightmare is over.

Fig Wineshine: Happy for you all. And even happier to check one more mystery off our list.

Ford Phillips: Oh, are we getting a check for this one?

Fig Wineshine: Nah, this one wasn't on the books.

Ford Phillips: For the love of God.

Rex Punchwhistle: Say Eugene, where HAVE you been all these years? How've you been making money?

Eugene Punchwhistle: You sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody told you it was a happy little tale, if somebody told you I was just some average ordinary guy, not a care in the world... somebody lied.

Ford Phillips: Nobody said that. Anyway, I'm gonna grab that sandwich-

Fig Wineshine: NOT YET.

Eugene Punchwhistle: After I left you guys, I tried a bunch of jobs. Bussing tables, shining shoes, selling tires. But I was no good. That is, until I met a man going through a divorce one night while on my shift as a bar back at Musso and Frank's. He said he was fine with the arrangement the lawyers had laid out. He'd move into an apartment close by. She'd keep the house. They'd share custody of the kids. But one thing still irked him. The door! The front door of their shared home in Pasadena. It was purple. He'd picked out the color and the brass knocker in the shape of a lion's head. The little peep window he'd carved himself so he could see if someone knocking was a door to door salesman or not. That door was his. And he couldn't get it back.

Ford Phillips: Oh. Oh I see where this is going.

Eugene Punchwhistle: I said, 'how much?' And the man looked at me as though I were a banana in a top hat. So I asked again. "How much will you pay me to get. That. Door?" He handed me a crisp hundred dollar bill and I went to work. I delivered that door to him the next day and never looked back.

Fig Wineshine: (gasp!) You're one of the Hinge Highwaymen.

Eugene Punchwhistle: One of them?! Honey, I'm ALL of them, baby! The public can't fathom that this could be the work of one man. That ONE single human could be responsible for the theft and resale of doors all along the west coast! Lex, Rex, you are performers at heart, but I was born for THIS.

Ford Phillips: For stealing doors? That's idiotic.

Eugene Punchwhistle: Is it? Check your door.

Fig Wineshine: BY JOVE! It's gone! He stole our door during this very conversation.

Ford Phillips: Now I remember where I know you from! F. Scott Fitzgerald's tapes! You pretended to be a "George Astrum," you were looking at outdoor plumbing and then stole Sheilah Graham's front door.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Eugene Punchwhistle tipped an invisible cap.

Ford Phillips: And you stole the door at our old office!

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Eugene lugged our current door back in from the hallway where he had somehow stashed it.

[As Eugene SLIDES the door in.]

Eugene Punchwhistle: But looks like you got a better one. What is this? Brazilian Oak? Durable. With year-round insulation and impeccable noise reduction. And the inlaid carvings? So intricate. Mmmm. I'd love to meet the guy who delivered this.

Fig Wineshine: Well it seems like you guys have a lot to catch up on. Maybe you can do it at Canter’s or something. We have a ton of work to do.

Ford Phillips: We'll hang onto this note though.

Lex Punchwhistle: Sure thing! Let us know if we can be of service!

[Lex, Rex, and Eugene leave, chatting all the way.]

Lex Punchwhistle: Do you think our parents are still alive?!

Ford Phillips: We can agree that was insane right?

Fig Wineshine: But a happy ending is something I can get behind these days. You don't see too many of them.

Ford Phillips: Because they're usually trite and unbelievable. There's always still something roiling under the surface that's been left unsaid or unsolved.

Fig Wineshine: Speaking of. What are we going to do about finding those lassos?

Fig Wineshine: Well, Penny told us the last she saw them, Sheilah was playing around with them at Mel's house during the party.

Fig Wineshine: So we need to get a warrant to search for them.

Ford Phillips: We get in there, find the lasso, rope our killer and this case is all tied up.

Fig Wineshine: I'll be mighty glad to see this one fading into the sunset.

Ford Phillips: You're telling me. Alright, I've got a phone call to make, then we'll head out.

[A musical interlude.]

Claudette Knickerbocker (Voice Over): I found myself outside Sheilah Graham's apartment sooner than I would have liked. Although it was nice to get eyes on Citizen Jasper Fox's slick set of wheels again. On an LAPD officer's salary, I was lucky to drive my pile of rust without it breaking down after a half mile- hey... Is this a voice over? Wow! This is fun. No wonder Ford's always looking off into the middle distance doing these things. I feel like I could say anything right now. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Mrs. Claudette Calloway. Dame Claudette Calloway. Claudette Calloway and her husband crowned Queen and King of Monaco. Calloway Calloway Callo-

[Sheilah's front door OPENS. A FRANTIC Sheilah Graham rushes out. She collides with Claudette letting out a SHRIEK!]

Claudette Knickerbocker (Voice Over): Sheilah Graham burst from her apartment holding a trash bag. She collided with me on the front porch and tumbled backwards, landing in the doorway with a thud.

Claudette Knickerbocker: Howdy Ms. Graham. Say, where are you headed in such a hurry? And with a bag full of-

[Claudette OPENS the trash bag.]

Claudette Knickerbocker: Prop lassos? Interesting.

Sheilah Graham: (flummoxed) I was just... I was…

[The clink of handcuffs.]

Claudette Knickerbocker: Sheilah Graham, you're under arrest for suspicious behavior regarding the murder of F. Scott Fitzgerald.

[The Case of the Greater Gatsby closing theme plays]

Sinead Persaud: Shipwrecked Comedy Presents: The Case of the Greater Gatsby

Written and directed by Sean Persaud and Sinead Persaud

Featuring: Sinead Persaud as Fig Wineshine Sean Persaud as Ford Phillips Brian Rosenthal as Rex Punchwhistle Jon Cozart as Eugene Punchwhistle Brooke Seguin as Lex Punchwhistle Joanna Sotomura as Claudette Knickerbocker And Julia Cho as Sheilah Graham

Original music by Dylan Glatthorn

Audio recording by Noah Hunt Audio

Mixing and Sound Design by Lizzie Goldsmith

Executive Producers Paul Komoroski & Michael Walsh

Produced by Sarah Grace Hart, Sean Persaud, Sinead Persaud, and Mary Kate Wiles

Special thanks to Kickstarter backers Katie Adamczyk, Ally Brown, Zainab Khan, Shao Chih Kuo, Jane Leach, Avalee Long, Lisel Perrine, Halsea Root, The Rude Mechanicals, Heather Tennant, and Justin Waterman.

Please rate and review the show wherever you listen. Join us on Patreon at patreon.com/shipwreckedcomedy to receive early access to new episodes and other bonus content, and to support us making this show.

Visit Shipwrecked Comedy on YouTube to view the prequel film for this series, The Case of the Gilded Lily, or many of our other projects, like our modern adaptation of Washington Irving’s The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, Headless: A Sleepy Hollow Story.