THE CASE OF THE GREATER GATSBY EPISODE 19 - SCREENWRITER’S BLUES TRANSCRIPT

[The Case of the Greater Gatsby opening credits music plays]

Announcer: Now presenting Fig and Ford in The Case of the Greater Gatsby. Episode 19: Screenwriter’s Blues. Written and created by Sean Persaud and Sinéad Persaud.

[Ford enters Bixby's lounge and sidles up to the bar.]

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): With Bixby giving us a heads up as to the possible location of Mo Beats' secret stash - and the morgue photos of F. Scott Fitzgerald - I headed over to Bixby's former Lounge the next day. The usual plan would involve Fig, but she informed me she'd be too busy filming on The Grapes of Wrath - apparently there's a big number featuring a young up and comer named Ronald Reagan as FDR, who I'm pretty sure wasn't in the book - anyway, much to my chagrin, I found myself on my own. I'd come up with a new plan: "One Cop, Dumb Cop." It was incredibly risky, probably stupid, but it was the only shot we had. With Mo Beats in charge and Vivian at the mic, I felt like a three-legged gazelle in the lion's den. The entire vibe of Bixby's had changed in a matter of days. The new waitstaff seemed tired and sad, the paint seemed less vibrant, and the place smelled like a clogged gutter. A manifestation of the way Los Angeles and all it entails turns sweet to sour, dreams to despair. Maybe a manifestation of life itself. We are all, in some way or another, going to Reseda someday to die. It's enough to make a guy want to order a triple scotch on the rocks. Just as I was flagging down the unkempt barback, Mo Beats himself popped up from behind the bar.

Mo Beats: Didn't think I'd see you in here again after I ousted your buddy Bixby. But I guess alcoholics have to keep up their routine.

Ford Phillips: As do corrupt cops, so what are you doing here in the middle of the day? Shouldn't you be out accepting bribes or kicking puppies?

Mo Beats: Oh, I'm just keepin' an eye on things before I head to my interview. Didn't Claudette tell you? I'm in line to become Detective.

Barfly: Hey buddy, can I get a shot of tequila over here?

Mo Beats: No problem.

[Mo Beats pours the shots.]

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): I watched as Mo Beats poured a tiny bit of tequila into a shot glass and topped it off with water while the barfly was looking away.

Mo Beats: Here ya go. Exact change only. Fifty cents.

Barfly: I only have a dollar.

Mo Beats: Guess I'm getting a tip then.

Barfly: (muttering) I miss Bixby.

Ford Phillips: Me too, pal.

[The barfly takes his shot.]

Mo Beats: So where's your little frizzy headed friend? The one who yammers on and on like a damn woodpecker.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): On another day, I would've defended Fig. But I was annoyed with her for bailing on the case so often for her precious movie, so I ignored it.

Ford Phillips: Maybe instead of nosing around my business, you should be more interested in fixing me a drink. Scotch. Straight from the bottle, no extra garnishes.

Mo Beats: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mo Beats POURS Ford a scotch, SLAMS it down in front of him.]

Mo Beats: Drink up Ford, it's good for ya.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Mo started towards the office behind the bar. Couldn't have that, so I yelled out to him.

Ford Phillips: Uhhh, saw some people casing the joint out front. Got any enemies who'd try to do you dirty? Maybe catch you in a criminal act?

Mo Beats: You come into my business and talk to me like that? Just how many cases are you on right now, Phillips? Haven't found F. Scott's "alleged" murderer. Haven't found the big bad script. Not even close to figuring out what happened to that missing Punchwhistle triplet-

Ford Phillips: Alright, people need to stop trying to make Punchwhistle triplets a thing.

Mo Beats: Maybe you should stop nosing around in my business and take a little more interest in your own. Or maybe you should drink that drink and then get the hell out of my bar.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): He smirked, then turned around and moved back to the office. Dammit.

Ford Phillips: Maurice!

Mo Beats: What is it? You want me to launch some more insults your way? I'd love to, and believe me, I got plenty of ammo, but unfortunately, I also got better things to do.

Ford Phillips: I know what you and Mel Hammermeister are up to.

Mo Beats: *laughs* Oh, I'd love to hear what you think that is.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): My smile masked my nerves. I had no real idea what they were up to, if anything. But it didn't matter, because he slowly walked back toward me, and I needed him to stay right here.

[A musical cue.]

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): I had told Ford that I needed to be at the studio to film a big scene involving a flood that turns into a synchronized swimming number celebrating the New Deal involving President Roosevelt. God, this movie is weird. Ford seemed mighty cheesed, but the truth would have made him even angrier - that number wasn't being shot until next week. I actually had to doublefoot it back to the studio for a social date. Working the case with Ford had kept me from hanging out with - and bodyguarding - my gal Willy, and I couldn't miss the first meeting of her new book club. It's all the girl could talk about. And between you and me, the fact that she can read at all is something to be celebrated and encouraged.

[Guests (Willy, Fig, Rex, Juniper, TD, Leery, Cliff, Darby) settle into chairs.]

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Thank you all for coming to the first meeting of the Wilhelmina Vanderjetski and Judy Garland Annual Charitable Book Club, meeting monthly right here in my dressing room!

Cliff Calloway: Oh, is Judy Garland coming?

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: No.

Leery O’Shaughnessy: Well hey, thanks for invitin' us, doll.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Of course! After finding out you weren't invited to Mel's holiday party, I knew I couldn't leave you out again!

Juniper Wetblossom: Is this a monthly meeting or an annual meeting?

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Yes.

Rex Puncwhistle: (crying) Oh God, where is my sister??

TD Hammermeister: There there, Mr. Punchwhistle. You know what they say about grief: it is a burden that cannot be shared. You must go it alone. Hanky?

[Silence. Then SOBBING.]

Fig Wineshine: You got a real good bedside manner, TD.

TD Hammermeister: Oh thank you, my friend with the curly hair. Mel prefers when I'm standing at the bedside rather than in bed with her. I've gotten used to sleeping standing up.

Darby Farnsworth: This is actually the third time I've read The Beautiful and Damned. I know Mr. Fitzgerald had some very complicated feelings about me -

Fig Wineshine: I think he just hated you.

Cliff Calloway: It wasn't that complicated.

Darby Farnsworth:- but there's no question the man had a way with words.

Leery O’Shaughnessy: And whiskey.

Cliff Calloway: And women.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: And worms!

Fig Wineshine: No Willy, we're not just saying words that start with W.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Ok!

Juniper Wetblossom: Wow, I can't believe I missed out on all this. This Fitzgerald guy was a one-man-melodrama!

Rex Punchwhistle: (sobbing) Lex, where ARE YOU?!?!?

[A jazzy musical interlude.]

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Mo Beats stared me down as he waited for my response. I thought back to the first day of this godforsaken case when Mo Beats had come crawling out of Mel's studio office looking mighty pleased with himself. I just needed to keep him out here a little longer.

Mo Beats: So what slings and arrows you gonna throw my way gumshoe?

Ford Phillips: You're Mel’s... secret lover.

Mo Beats: Ha!

Ford Phillips: You're her tutor. Teaching her Spanish.

Mo Beats: No es una oportunidad, amigo.

Ford Phillips: I've never seen you both in the same place twice. You're actually the same person.

Mo Beats: Really grasping at straws here. And I thought you were supposed to be good at this.

Ford Phillips: Fine. You're a cop on the inside she uses to get ahead. You're her puppet.

Mo Beats: No one puppets Mo Beats.

Ford Phillips: Puppeteer is the verb form. "No one puppeteers Mo Beats."

Mo Beats: No one tells me what the verb form is.

Ford Phillips: Seems like someone just did, sweetcheeks.

Mo Beats: I'm not your sweetcheeks, dollface.

Ford Phillips: Well it's a good thing I'm not your dollface, cupcake.

Mo Beats: Not sure why you're calling me cupcake, pussycat.

Barfly: Uh, I'm confused. Based on the words you're saying, seems like you like each other, but based on the way you're saying them, seems like you wanna put a couple of slugs in each other's heads.

Mo Beats: Scram, pal! (to Ford) Here's what I'm gonna do, Ford. I'm gonna fill up your glass again. For free. Cuz that's what a nice guy I am. You'll drink it. Then you'll get the hell out of my bar. Forever.

[Mo Beats uncorks the scotch and pours.]

Mo Beats: If I see you in here again I'll find a reason to throw you in the clink. Probably be able to get your reporter partner locked up too so she doesn't feel left out. But hey, while you're still here... enjoy the view.

[Vivian approaches the bar.]

Vivian Nightingale: Is it even a weekday unless I see a surly faced Ford Phillips with a drink in his hand?

Ford Phillips: Spare me any more femme fatale jests. I've had it with you.

Vivian Nightingale: Oh goodness, he's got a bee in his bonnet today. Never seen someone so at his wits end. So many threads. F. Scott dead. His missing script. And a madman terrifying Hollywood over movie adaptations. What's a drunk PI to do?

Mo Beats: Ford was just about to finish his drink and leave, Viv. But I suppose he can stay for your song.

Vivian Nightingale: Oh, it's a good one.

Ford Phillips: Nice to see you've fit in so well with the new ownership.

Vivian Nightingale: What can I say? I'm good at making friends.

Ford Phillips: And not that bad at making enemies.

Mo Beats: You guys do this a lot? Cuz based on the words you're saying, it seems like you're mad at each other, but based on the way you're saying them, seems like you want to find the nearest motel and kick it on out.

[Vivian gives a knowing little chuckle.]

Vivian Nightingale: Excuse me, boys. I have a show to start and the new boss isn't very forgiving if I'm late.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Vivian strode to the stage in that peculiar slow motion way she had. As if she had all the time in the world to get there, and all the eyes in the world glued to her while she did it.

Emcee: And now, the beauty of Buena Park. The charmer of Chatsworth. The knockout of Newport Beach, which is where her stepmother bought a scandalous secret condo... Miss Vivian Nightingale!!

[Adapt or Die plays.]

Vivian Nightingale: (singing) Throw on a coat, as leaves start to fall Remember the spring, when you had it all Now December winds come crashing in And all your dreams grow cold But icy tears don't dry Adapt or Die Adapt or Die Temperance took hold, so we hid our wine Then down came the world, nineteen twenty-nine Picking up the pieces of what we knew As we learn to crawl Cause we flew too high Adapt or Die Adapt or Die No one more than I Knows how to live a lie Yearning for the silver screen I had the blues, but he had the green So I changed the scene Who knows what the future brings? I'd be a fool to say I do So when no one will help you find your light Embrace the dazzling dark As things go awry Heed this lullaby Strings intensify Adapt or Die Adapt or Die Adapt or...

[The song ends. Quiet, respectful applause.]

Ford Phillips: Hmm, interesting song. Wonder what it was about.

Mo Beats: It's about time you got going.

Ford Phillips: Alright, I know when I'm not welcome.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): I headed outside into the crisp winter desert air, where I posted up against the brick wall and lit a cigarette. Hoping against hope that my gambit had paid off. Suddenly, I was shrouded in shadow as a tall figure approached from behind the corner.

Dash Gunfire: I got the pictures you needed, boss! They were right where Bixby said they'd be.

Ford Phillips: I'm not your boss, Dash. Hand 'em over.

Dash Gunfire: They're pretty gruesome. That sort of stuff could give you nightmares. Hey, do you sleep with a night light? Door open or closed? How many stuffed animals? Eh, you probably only have like one, you're a cool guy-

Ford Phillips: Dash!

Dash Gunfire: Yes?

Ford Phillips: Good work getting in that back office and snagging these. Mo Beats had no idea.

Dash Gunfire: (honored beyond comprehension) Of... Of course! You are so welcome. Look, if you ever need me to fill in for Fig again, or want to go see a movie or come over and play board games -

Ford Phillips: We'll see. Fig's been flaky as of late. I need to work with people I can trust or no one at all.

Dash Gunfire: You... trust me?!

Ford Phillips: What? No, I didn't really say that. Hmm, these pictures are good. Just wish I could see his neck a little clearer.

Dash Gunfire: Oh here, use my magnifying glass.

Ford Phillips: Psh. A magnifying glass? What are you, 6 years old?

Dash Gunfire: No, it's great! You hold it up to things, and you can see them bigger!

Ford Phillips: This isn't some detective-kit-by-mail operation, Dash, this is real life-

Dash Gunfire: Here, look!

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Dash had whipped out his ridiculous looking magnifying glass - seriously, so dumb, like a giant lollipop you couldn't even eat - and held it up to the photo.

Dash Gunfire: See?

Ford Phillips: Oh. Oh wow. You're right. It's so much easier to see.

Dash Gunfire: It's like we've been shrunk down and we're standing on his neck. What a fun adventure that would be. Maybe we should rewrite ourselves into a sci-fi instead of a noir. Two best friend astronauts fall into a wormhole–

Ford Phillips: Look at this. It looks like someone used two different things to strangle Fitzgerald.

Dash Gunfire: Who's Fitzgerald?

Ford Phillips: Dash, great job. I gotta run.

Dash Gunfire: This is the best day of my life. Oh shoot, I gotta run too!

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): The discussion was getting pretty heated at book club. And we hadn't even cracked open the book.

Leery O’Shaughnessy: Well, I'm just not that into books.

Cliff Calloway: Then why are you here?

Leery O’Shaughnessy: I was invited and told there'd be snacks.

TD Hammermeister: I prefer instruction manuals.

Rex Punchwhistle: (sobbing) LEX, PLEASE COME HOME!!

Juniper Wetblossom: I appreciate all perspectives, but if I'm being honest, I don't think books should exist.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: But then where would Hollywood get all its ideas for movies?

Fig Wineshine: You make a good point, Willy. It seems that these days all the pictures have to be based on previously written material. In the olden days you could just film a train doing its thing!

Darby Farnsworth: Good GOD can we please start discussing the book? Some of us have homework to get to.

Cliff Calloway: Here here.

Juniper Wetblossom: I didn't read it, but I will nod along and say things like "That's so indicative of life in today's world!" and "Should I open another bottle?"

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Perfect! OK, everyone open up to page one.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Willy reached down into her giant Hermes travel bag and retrieved her copy of the book.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Hmm. Does anyone else's book have a script inside it?

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): There was a thick stack of 8 by 11x5s shoved right between the pages of Willy's copy of The Beautiful and Damned. My stomach lurched in a way it usually only does when the entire table sheepishly decides against looking at the dessert menu at a restaurant. Get the damn creme brulee, people! You'll never go wrong!

Fig Wineshine: Willy... What is that?

Leery O’Shaughnessy: Looks like a script!

Darby Farnsworth: Oh great, are you trying to be a screenwriter too? Just what we need. Ingenues trying to learn three act structure.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): I leaned over as Willy rifled through the bound pages of the script in her hands before adrenaline took over and I snatched the thing away.

Fig Wineshine: Holy butterscotch pudding! It's The Greater Gatsby!

TD Hammermeister: What! What was that doing in your bag, Wilhelmina?

Fig Wineshine: I'm inclined to ask the same question. Did you have any idea you had this?

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Of course not! I was just finishing up the book this morning and there was certainly no script in it.

Fig Wineshine: Someone's trying to pass it off and frame you.

[The group talks over one another in a frenzy.]

TD Hammermeister: Oh gosh, Mel is going to be so mad!

Juniper Wetblossom: What's the script? Is there a role for me?

Rex Punchwhistle: Does it say where my brother and sister are? Does it say who took them?!

Leery O’Shaughnessy: D'you think there's room in it for some songs?

Cliff Calloway: Or tap numbers?

Fig Wineshine: QUIET!

[SFX: A KNOCK on the doorframe. Dash enters, out of breath.]

Dash Gunfire: Hey guys, it's Dash. Sorry I'm late for book club! Best friend stuff, you wouldn't understand.

Fig Wineshine: (exasperated) Dash Gunfire. Just what I need.

Dash Gunfire: Really? Cool! Hey what's that you got there?

Leery O’Shaughnessy: It's F. Scott Fitzgerald's script for The Greater Gatsby!

[Darby stomps over to Fig.]

Darby Farnsworth: Let me see it! I need to know if his first page is arresting and unputdownable!

Fig Wineshine: Back off, pigtails.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: It was inside my copy of The Beautiful and Damned! I didn't put it there.

Dash Gunfire: Talk about double booked. Nice pun, Dash! I’m gonna write that down.

Fig Wineshine: Sorry Willy, I have to go. Looks like I have a night of heavy reading ahead of me.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): I tucked the script into my coat jacket and made a beeline for Penny's empty office. She was on her shift working in the commissary, and I needed to make a phone call.

[SFX. Phone rings. Ford picks up.]

Ford Phillips: Fig and Ford Detective Agency, formerly Detectives to the Stars-

Fig Wineshine: (on the phone) It's Fig. We'll talk about that unauthorized name change later, but listen up. I was just at Willy's book club and you'll never guess-

Ford Phillips: Book club? BOOK CLUB? That's where you've been while I've been getting my hands dirty in Mo Beats' muck and looking at photos of cadavers? I oughta take your name off the sign out front.

Fig Wineshine: Mo Beats muck? That's an unsettling turn of phrase. Look, I understand you're upset, but you're going to wanna hear this-

Ford Phillips: I don't think I do. No need to tell me what Cliff Calloway thought of a couple hammy metaphors, or what extravagant charcuterie Wilhelmina brought. I got work to do.

[Click.]

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): And Ford hung up. What a tirade. A tirade that was well-timed for a late in the game misunderstanding between the main characters of a story. Since he clearly needed some time to cool off, I retreated to my dressing room, where I poured myself a drink, put my feet up, and at long last turned to page one of The Greater Gatsby.

[The Case of the Greater Gatsby ending theme music plays]

Sinéad Persaud: Shipwrecked Comedy Presents: The Case of the Greater Gatsby

Written and directed by Sean Persaud and Sinead Persaud

Featuring: Sean Persaud as Ford Phillips Matthew Mercer as Mo Beats Gabe Greenspan as Barfly Sinead Persaud as Fig Wineshine Sarah Grace Hart as Wilhelmina Vanderjetski Tom DeTrinis as Cliff Calloway Carlos Alazraqui as Leery O’Shaughnessy Krystina Arielle as Juniper Wetblossom Brian Rosenthal as Rex Punchwhistle Blake Silver as TD Hammermeister Ginny Di as Darby Farnsworth Mary Kate Wiles as Vivian Nightingale And Joey Richter as Dash Gunfire

Original music by Dylan Glatthorn

“Adapt or Die” music by Dylan Glatthorn; Lyrics by Dylan Glatthorn, Sean Persaud, and Sinead Persaud; Performed by Mary Kate Wiles

Audio recording by Noah Hunt Audio

Mixing and Sound Design by Lizzie Goldsmith

Executive Producers Paul Komoroski & Michael Walsh

Produced by Sarah Grace Hart, Sean Persaud, Sinead Persaud, and Mary Kate Wiles

Special thanks to Kickstarter backers Katie Adamczyk, Ally Brown, Zainab Khan, Shao Chih Kuo, Jane Leach, Avalee Long, Lisel Perrine, Halsea Root, The Rude Mechanicals, Heather Tennant, and Justin Waterman.

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Visit Shipwrecked Comedy on YouTube to view the prequel film for this series, The Case of the Gilded Lily, or many of our other projects, like Kissing in the Rain, our series that follows two sets of actors who keep finding themselves acting opposite each other in romantic films.