THE CASE OF THE GREATER GATSBY EPISODE 18 - SMOOTH TRANSCRIPT

[The Case of the Greater Gatsby opening credits music plays]

Announcer: Now presenting Fig and Ford in The Case of the Greater Gatsby. Episode 18: Smooth. Written and created by Sean Persaud and Sinéad Persaud.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): After we'd heard Mel's gossip about a prenup at the Christmas Party, Fig and I found ourselves back at Nightingale Manor. Maybe we'd get some intel on this mysterious tie clip that turned up out of the blue at Sheilah's. With any luck, Vivian wouldn't be home. I didn't think I could stand anymore of her lies. I'd hear her whisper and the words melt everyone but she…she'd stay so cool.

[Ford KNOCKS on the door to the Nightingale Manor.]

Fig Wineshine: All right, now today I figured we'd go with a tactic I'm tentatively calling "Cop Town, Top Down." We go in and interview them. I leave to pee. Get the intel. Maybe also pee, then put the toilet cover down, I'm polite. Then I return in the middle of your debrief and say "Forget it Ford, it's Cop Town." Then we leave them in a state of confusion.

Ford Phillips: That's usually the state I'm in after an experience with you.

[The DOOR OPENS. The Nightingale's MAID greets them.]

Maid: You Fjord and Gif?

Ford Phillips: It's uh, Ford and Fig.

Fig Wineshine: Fig and Ford, actually, rolls off the tongue a little nicer.

Maid: I don't care. Come in, Mr. and Mrs. Nightingale are expecting you. Anything to drink?

Fig Wineshine: It's 9 in the morn-

Ford Phillips: Scotch. Neat.

Fig Wineshine: Well, in that case…Juice. Fresh squeezed. Mint garnish. Bendy straw.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): We took our seats in the impeccably decorated sitting room. The place had the cold feel of a home not lived in. The ghostly breeze of the relationship that might have been between Barnaby and Vivian blew through the open bay window that looked out over the city.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): That was beautiful, Ford, you're really painting a picture.

Ford Phillips: It's important in this audio format.

[Barnaby and Vivian enter.]

Vivian Nightingale: Miss Wineshine. Mr... Phillips.

Barnaby Nightingale: Good morning, you Cranky Cannisters!

Fig Wineshine: Oh I forgot this was a thing.

[The MAID ENTERS.]

Maid: Your drinks.

Fig Wineshine: Thanks, but I just realized I shouldn't drink anything in this household as it's a den of liars.

Barnaby Nightingale: Whoa! What's all this about liars?

Ford Phillips: Have a seat, Barnaby.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Barnaby planted his derriere on the edge of a chesterfield that probably cost more than my yearly rent. Wow, even being in this house is making me talk fancy. Vivian delicately balanced herself on the arm next to him.

Ford Phillips: Listen. We're tired of the lies and the agendas, hidden or otherwise. You two are about as honest as three kids in a trench coat tryin' to snag a ticket to a peep show.

Fig Wineshine: And almost as two-faced. We know you confronted Fitzgerald about his affair with Vivian here. Heard it ourselves on Fitzgerald's very illuminating tapes. You threatened him. Motive for murder in my books.

Barnaby Nightingale: But I-

Ford Phillips: We've got more.

Fig Wineshine: May I use your restroom while Ford eviscerates you two? That fresh squeezed juice went through me.

Vivian Nightingale: You didn't even drink it. You called us liars.

Fig Wineshine: Exactly. And I don't need to hear the shocking details all over again. It disgusts me.

Vivian Nightingale: (bored) Down the hall to the right. Then another right. Then another. Then one more after that-

Fig Wineshine: Basically a lot of rights, got it.

[Fig leaves.]

Ford Phillips: As I was saying. You've got the motive. And now we've found a tie clip with your initials at the scene of the crime. Barnaby Ellis Nightingale.

Barnaby Nightingale: Ah yes. The cops were here about that tie clip yesterday.

Ford Phillips: What? That's impossible. Claudette and I... nevermind.

Barnaby Nightingale: Well I'll tell you the same thing I told them: It makes no sense. I've been to that apartment once, and yes, you're right, it was partly to uh... confront F. Scott about certain... matters.

[Vivian AWKWARDLY CLEARS HER THROAT.]

Barnaby Nightingale: But my tie clips are extra strength. It wouldn't have fallen off my tie that night or any night. Also, that happened at the beginning of December, how could a clue like that still be laying around?

Vivian Nightingale: Police haven't been doing a very good job, have they?

Ford Phillips: No, the police haven't been doing a very good job. But neither have the people we've been questioning. Any other lies you two need to walk back?

[Fig wanders the hall to the bathroom.]

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): While Ford continued to berate the Nightingales, I made my way through the labyrinth of the manor - not trying to find the bathroom as I'd said, but to locate Barnaby's office. I struck gold as I came upon a slightly ajar door with the scent of tobacco and leather emanating from within. That's always how men like their offices to smell. The first man to admit to me that he likes a floral scent should get a medal.

[The door creaks open.]

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Once inside I scoured the place for the pre-nup. It was the kind of document one kept in a room that smelled of tobacco and leather. I tried to open the desk drawers but they were locked. Nothing a quick jiggle from a bobby pin couldn't handle.

Maid: Barnaby, is that you in there?

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): I panicked. My Barnaby impression wasn't something I'd been prioritizing.

Fig Wineshine: (as Barnaby) Uh, yes you er... You Half Step Hannah, you! Just changing my pants. Don't come in!

Maid: Always being weird, these two.

Fig Wineshine: That was a close one. OK, let's see.

[Fig picks the lock. The drawer opens.]

Fig Wineshine: All right, tax forms. Birth certificates. Vision boards. That's nice. And aha! Pre-nuptial agreement. Well look at that. That's certainly something. Wonder how it's going back in the living room... was that a good enough transition?

[Ford continues to grill Barnaby and Vivian in the living room.]

Barnaby Nightingale: Why can't you understand? Of course I didn't want people knowing I knew about Vivian's affair. It makes me look so suspicious!

Ford Phillips: But we found out anyway and it looks even worse.

[Fig returns.]

Vivian Nightingale: Ah look, Fig's back. Didn't get lost, did you?

Fig Wineshine: No no, the route was very clear. Hey, forget it Ford, it's cop town.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Fig gave me a pointed look that seemed to say... I found the prenup. I didn't want to continue talking to the Nightingales for a moment longer.

Barnaby Nightingale: What's "cop town?"

Ford Phillips: Not sure and don't care. But it doesn't matter. We need to leave.

Vivian Nightingale: Happy to oblige you both.

Ford Phillips: You've never obliged anyone anything. Both of you stay put in LA for the time being. This train of lies has to come to a stop eventually.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Once back outside, I filled Ford in on what I'd found. I also informed him he could have done better than the lie-as-train metaphor.

Ford Phillips: Look, we've interviewed them so many times my brain isn't functioning properly anymore. What did you see?

Fig Wineshine: Prenuptial agreement states that in the event of a divorce based on Vivian's adultery, Vivian gets nothing.

Ford Phillips: All right, well that works out in Barnaby's favor. And he seems to still want to be with her despite the affairs.

Fig Wineshine: Might just have to accept that we'll never understand what goes on in those two birds' heads.

Ford Phillips: Apparently, the cops know about the tie clip.

Fig Wineshine: What? How?

Ford Phillips: No idea. Claudette and I made sure to keep a lid on it.

Fig Wineshine: Strange. Alright, let's get a move on, I get one day off of shooting and we have a few more stops to make.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Ford and I rolled up to Farnsworth Farms, a lazy, sprawling ranch far, far on the outskirts of LA in La Crescenta. Darby Farnsworth's father, Farnsworth Farnsworth, was a silent film icon who retired early when sound took over the lots. Apparently, he had gotten into his process as a non-speaking actor too deep, and still refused to provide anyone an audience to his dulcet vocal tones. Even, as it turned out, two detectives inquiring as to the whereabouts of his daughter on December 20th.

[SFX: Car doors SLAM shut. Fig and Ford walk up the dirt path to a creaky farmhouse. A cow MOOS in the distance. FARNSWORTH and DARBY exit the house.]

Darby Farnsworth: Dad, this is my friend Fig Wineshine, she's playing Ma Joad in The Grapes of Wrath, and this is - I don't know who this guy is, but from the looks of it, he's down on his luck, has already had too much to drink today even though it's only 11am, doesn't have many romantic prospects, can't afford another shirt, needs to fill the aching hole in his heart with -

Ford Phillips: Ok, my name is Ford Phillips, and as you can see from this bracelet, I'm a, uh... co-worker of Fig's.

Darby Farnsworth: You must be an intern cuz I can't see anyone hiring you, not dressed like that, with those bloodshot eyes and 5 o'clock shadow, what's your resume even like, do you even own an alarm clock?

[Fig chuckles.]

Fig Wineshine: Ah, kids.

Darby Farnsworth: Anyway, this is my dad, Farnsworth Farnsworth.

Fig Wineshine: How do you do, Farnsworth?

Ford Phillips: Big fan, Mr. Farnsworth.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Farnsworth tipped his cap and mouthed what I assume was a greeting. I don't know, I'm not real great at reading lips, I'm usually the one running 'em.

Ford Phillips: Uh, great... Meeting you too.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Farnsworth excitedly kept mouth talking, completely silent, making over the top gestures and ending with an empty smile.

Ford Phillips: Fantastic. You seem to be pretty busy, we don't want to keep you two -

[Silence. Then some claps and stomping.]

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Farnsworth seemed to mouth something in agreement, then started dancing. Darby looked on in awe. Wow, really wish you guys could see this. Real shame this is an audio narrative.

Ford Phillips: Uh, right, anyway, we're looking into the death of F. Scott Fitzgerald -

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Farnsworth suddenly looked aghast, then terrified, then pointed at Darby, teeth chattering, then - what the - then he started dancing again?

[Some more stomps and claps.]

Ford Phillips: Uh, no, no. Darby is not in any danger. And she's not a suspect.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Farnsworth took a deep breath and exaggeratedly flung sweat from his brow. Ford looked at me for help, but I could only shrug my shoulders and smile. This is a real comical situation that would work much better visually.

Ford Phillips: Oh boy. Uh, where was Darby the night of December 20th?

[Silence.]

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): In an unreasonably grand fashion, Farnsworth scratched his head and stroked his chin, then snapped his fingers and started mouthing a string of words. Ford looked like he could have used another drink or three.

Darby Farnsworth: Dad, I think they may need it in writing.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Farnsworth nodded happily as his daughter handed him a pen and paper. He began scribbling with haste, then handed it over to Ford, who read it aloud.

[Farnsworth hands over the paper to Ford.]

Ford Phillips: (reading) Darby went to Mel Hammermeister's holiday party that night. I let her stay out until midnight, at which point I picked her up and drove her home. She fell asleep in the car. I like Miss Wineshine's hat, it's so big. Best wishes and may all your dreams come true, Farnsworth Farnsworth.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Farnsworth winked and bowed and then - oh come on, more dancing?

[Stomps and claps as Farnsworth dances.]

Darby Farnsworth: Well, there you have it. I was out like a light until Saturday morning, when I had to help milk the cows. Dad said I could have a glass of wine at the party but - (whispering) I had two.

Ford Phillips: Well if it helps, pretty sure you were drinking cranberry juice. Fig, who's next?

Fig Wineshine: Donald Ogden Stewart. Tally-ho!

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Donald Ogden Stewart and his wife Ella lived in a humble apartment in Hollywood. Since I'd only been able to chat with him for a brief moment at Bixby's, I wanted to get a clearer picture of what he knew about Fitzgerald.

Ford Phillips: Thanks for meeting with us, Donald.

Donald Ogden Stewart: Of course! It's been some time since we've had any company that isn't Dorothy! People tend to politely avoid you if they fear your politics might not align with theirs.

Ella Winters: Of course, Donald is happy to do the avoiding as well. I'm Leonore, but please, call me Ella. Donald told me about your meeting at Bixby's. I've taken the liberty to collect some documents for you. Here.

[She HANDS OVER DOCUMENTS. Fig FLIPS THROUGH THEM.]

Fig Wineshine: Thanks, Mortadella. Let's see...Plane tickets from LA to NYC on December 19th. Receipts for the Algonquin Hotel from the 19th through 28th. Photographs from a party -

Ford Phillips: Wait, is that... Ugh... Is that Jimmy Stewart?

Donald Ogden Stewart: Yes, at the afterparty. The Philadelphia Story had its NY Premiere on the 26th. We were out of town the entire time. You wanted my alibi, well, there it is, cut and dry.

Ella Winters: It was a wonderful time. It's a shame this threat has cast such a pallor over everything.

Donald Ogden Stewart: These letters, they're not just targeting the cast and crew of my film, though. The whole town has been flooded with them.

Ella Winters: Everyone is on edge.

Fig Wineshine: You got that right, Mozzerella. Best we can tell, someone is out to put the kibosh on movie adaptations.

Donald Ogden Stewart: But who?

Ford Phillips: Well, we're still trying to figure that out. So far, the threats seem generally harmless.

Ella Winters: Generally?

Fig Wineshine: There's been one disappearance. Lex Punchwhistle.

Ford Phillips: Although knowing her, she could just be on a bender.

Donald Ogden Stewart: I am worried what this could all mean for the industry as a whole.

Fig Wineshine: Well, we're on the case, so not to fear.

Ford Phillips: Mr. Stewart, we wanted to ask you about something else. Fitzgerald and Whitley Trufflehaus. There seemed to be some animosity from way back. Something to do with a possible filmed adaptation of The Great Gatsby?

Donald Ogden Stewart: Ah, yes. I thought they had buried the hatchet.

Fig Wineshine: Whitley certainly might have.

Ford Phillips: What happened between them? Creative differences?

Donald Ogden Stewart: I suppose you could say they had their differences. Scott believed Whitley shouldn't be sleeping with Zelda. Whitley disagreed.

Ford Phillips: Well alright.

Fig Wineshine: Now we're getting somewhere.

Ella Winter: Whitley was a pawn though. Zelda was just using him to get back at Scott for his numerous infidelities.

Ford Phillips: But Whitley had real feelings for her.

Donald Ogden Stewart: Oh yes. Alas, The Great Gatsby film adaptation fell apart before they could truly come to blows. The book just... wasn't very popular.

Fig Wineshine: And yet Mel decided it would be smart to pair them up again. Interesting.

Ford Phillips: Thanks for your time, Mr. and Mrs. Stewart. We have a studio head to talk to.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Our next stop was Schwab's Pharmacy, the only place Mel Hammermeister allowed herself to be seen outside of the studio, her house, and I guess one time at our office. TD sat next to her eating one of the restaurant's famous ice cream sundaes while Mel methodically ate a single tomato.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): “To-mah-to?” Come on.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): I’m just trying something. Ford and I ordered coffees even though I was already highly caffeinated from our three previous interviews.

[Schwabs is a bustling pharmacy cafe. Fig and Ford sit in a booth across from Mel and TD. TD eats an ice cream sundae.]

TD Hammermeister: Isn't this place great? Where all the incredible minds of Hollywood come to wheel and deal!

Fig Wineshine: So many stars were discovered sitting on these very barstools! Willie, for instance!

Ford Phillips: I thought it was canon that she was discovered at a Roger Haircremé party?

Fig Wineshine: Oh I just meant she was discovered here once when she went missing. Turns out she was on a heavy dose of antibiotics that sedated her. She sat in that booth over there until the cops discovered her.

Mel Hammermeister: Let's get this show on the road. What are you twos doing? How is my hard earned money being spent? You find that script yet?

Ford Phillips: We have some questions about your recent holiday party.

Mel Hammermeister: Oh believe me, I have some questions about that night too. Mainly, why do I bother throwing parties for my ungrateful employees?

TD Hammermeister: And your unworthy husband!

Mel Hammermiester: When did you get here?

Fig Wineshine: So we gathered that Leery just showed up to the party even though he wasn't on the invite list. Why?

Mel Hammermeister: Nothing scandalous. I thought he was going to his brother's Christmas party. You don't want to get on Luigi O'Shaughnessy's bad side!

Fig Wineshine: He told me they weren't on speaking terms.

Mel Hammerister: Look I don't know the man's whole story, he's an employee. A very important employee, but an employee nonetheless. And he ended up coming to the party, fine, the more the merrier, what am I gonna do? I'm not a monster. He got drunk and slept on our couch.

TD Hammermeister: It's true! I tucked him in.

Fig Wineshine: Was that after you got back from being locked in the wine cellar?

TD Hammermeister: Yes. After that.

Fig Wineshine: Mm.

Ford Phillips: What about the bad feelings between Whitley and Fitzgerald? We know about their falling out and their fight at the party. Why did you see fit to pair those two up as writer and director on this picture?

Mel Hammermeister: You know as well as anyone I ain't no kindergarten teacher. I don't care if they're fighting, they're sad, one of 'em had a bad day, one of 'em slept with the other's wife. These are grown men, they can deal with their business. My goal is to put together the right team for each of my pictures. It's a hell of a job trying to schedule and manage these creative types.

TD Hammermeister: And yet you do it with such panache.

Mel Hammermeister: TD, get me another tomato!

TD Hammermeister: On it, my nightshade nymph!

Fig Wineshine: Did Whitley have anything to do with Fitzgerald getting fired from The Grapes of Wrath?

Mel Hammermeister: Eh, it wasn't working out between them. I guess they couldn't deal with all their business after all. Coupled with all the drinking, Fitzgerald had to go. And I'd do it again!

Fig Wineshine: Well, I appreciate someone being honest.

TD Hammermeister: Back with your tomato, freshly washed!

Ford Phillips: Speaking of honesty: you and Sheilah.

Mel Hammermeister: Excuse me?

Ford Phillips: You had a conversation that upset Fitzgerald, according to several people we spoke to. He was still fuming later when he went back home. I wonder what it could have been about.

Mel Hammermeister: He was jealous.

Fig Wineshine: Oh?

Mel Hammermeister: If Sheilah had any other friends...he tended to get angsty.

TD Hammermeister: What a complicated man!

Ford Phillips: Thanks for your time. Mel, TD, I think things are finally starting to make sense. Now, if you'll excuse us.

Mel Hammermeister: Phillips! Wineshine! If you don't find me that script, heads are gonna roll!

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Ford tossed some coins on the table and got up to leave. I followed him, wondering where this display of confidence was coming from. I was still as in the dark as a dust bowl era mom just trying to make her way through life and Needles, California.

[SFX: Sunset Boulevard at rush hour.]

Fig Wineshine: Hey, you crack it or something?

Ford Phillips: I have a few hunches.

Fig Wineshine: Wow, check that out.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Fig pointed through the Schwab's window where we watched as TD shoved all four of our menus into his satchel.

Fig Wineshine: Strange little man.

[A musical cue. Fig, Ford, Claudette, and Bixby sit in the office.]

Ford Phillip (Voice Over): That night we regrouped at the office with Bixby, Claudette, and a bottle of Macallan.

Claudette Knickerbocker: So if Fitzgerald found out the night of the party that Mel is the one Sheilah was stepping out with, and threatened to put that in his script, it stands to reason Mel would want to get her hands on it before anyone else.

Fig Wineshine: But why steal it, if she thought Fitzgerald was going to sell it to her?

Ford Phillips: He wasn't though. According to his tapes, he was selling to Roger Haircremé. Maybe she knew that somehow. Maybe TD was her mole.

Bixby Crane: Mole problems are persistent and hard to get rid of!

Fig Wineshine: Bixby, I'm so glad you're not in jail.

Bixby Crane: Me too. Though it was nice not wondering what to wear everyday.

Ford Phillips: Claudette, any idea how the news about the tie clip got out?

Claudette Knickerbocker: None. You and Fig are the only ones who knew. I'd say I'd try to figure it out, but I don't even know where to start.

Ford Phillips: Alright, we'll think on it. Any update on the pictures?

Claudette Knickerbocker: Sort of. I had dinner with Hippatia the other night so I could ask her about F. Scott's autopsy photos. To take a closer look at the strangulation wound. She said that Mo Beats took them all. He had a whole stash of contraband in the evidence room. I know where it is, of course, he's not the most discreet, but it's all been cleared out! I have no idea where's he's moved it.

Bixby Crane: Hmm... I might know where those photos could be…

[The Case of the Greater Gatsby ending theme music plays]

Sean Persaud: Shipwrecked Comedy Presents: The Case of the Greater Gatsby

Written and directed by Sean Persaud and Sinéad Persaud

Featuring: Sean Persaud as Ford Phillips Sinéad Persaud as Fig Wineshine Mary Kate Wiles as Vivian Nightingale Tommy Hobson as Barnaby Nightingale Lauren Lopez as the Nightingale’s maid Ginny Di as Darby Farnsworth Dylan Saunders as Donald Ogden Stewart Parissa Koo as Ella Winter Blake Silver as Farnsworth Farnsworth and TD Hammermeister Lesli Margherita as Mel Hammermeister Joanna Sotomura as Claudette Knickerbocker And Dante Swain as Bixby Crane

Original music by Dylan Glatthorn

Audio recording by Noah Hunt Audio

Mixing and Sound Design by Lizzie Goldsmith

Executive Producers Paul Komoroski & Michael Walsh

Produced by Sarah Grace Hart, Sean Persaud, Sinéad Persaud, and Mary Kate Wiles

Special thanks to Kickstarter backers Katie Adamczyk, Ally Brown, Zainab Khan, Shao Chih Kuo, Jane Leach, Avalee Long, Lisel Perrine, Halsea Root, The Rude Mechanicals, Heather Tennant, and Justin Waterman.

Please rate and review the show wherever you listen. Join us on Patreon at patreon.com/shipwreckedcomedy to receive early access to new episodes and other bonus content, and to support us making this show.

Visit Shipwrecked Comedy on YouTube to view the prequel film for this series, The Case of the Gilded Lily, or many of our other projects, like Friends ‘til the End, a Broadway-style song featuring Mina Harker and Lucy Westenra, from Bram Stoker’s Dracula.