THE CASE OF THE GREATER GATSBY EPISODE 17 - MOMENTUM TRANSCRIPT

[The Case of the Greater Gatsby opening credits music plays]

Announcer: Now presenting Fig and Ford in The Case of the Greater Gatsby. Episode 17: Momentum. Written and created by Sean Persaud and Sinéad Persaud.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): That evening, I sat alone in the office pondering our new clues, a situation that seemed to be more common as Fig kept up her double life on set. I was surprised by how much this irked me, since I've spent the better part of my life on my own. Was it my disdain for the Hollywood lifestyle I had escaped? Or was it actually... jealousy? Was there a part of me that longed for the camaraderie of a group of like minded people? The thrill of being a part of something bigger than myself? Or was it all of the above, and more? A contradicting tangle of neuroses that had woven itself into my psyche in a web of angst that was incapacitating. To untangle it would be work, and so, for the sake of momentum, I'm condemning the future to death so it can match the past.

[SFX: Door opens.]

Fig Wineshine: Hiya, boss.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Once Fig deigned to return from set, I filled her in on the details of the trip to Sheilah's that afternoon. And of course, the tie clip we found. Fig's day hadn't been entirely useless either, what with getting intel on Leery's relative and finding out about Sheilah's new radio show.

Fig Wineshine: The talk show sounds pretty juicy. And apparently we feature in it.

Ford Phillips: Must be the new job Jasper Fox was talking about. I'll find it on the radio.

[Ford tunes the radio. It flips through numerous stations, including an ad for Mr. Connor's Hat Haven.]

Fig Wineshine: So the tie clip. We think it was really Barnaby's or was it planted?

Ford Phillips: Claudette is looking into it on her own. We're keeping it under wraps. If it gets out, people will assume Barnaby is guilty, and I'm just not convinced. Aha, here we go.

Sheilah Graham: (on radio) Well that's all for today's episode, folks. Thanks for tuning in as we talked all about the tawdry Hammermeister Christmas party! And remember... don't let Fig Wineshine into your bathroom. Ever. Tata for now from me, your host, Sheilah Graham. Remember, I'm always watching!

[SFX: Credit music.]

Fig Wineshine: Seems we missed the meat of it. But there's that Christmas Party again. I say we get Willy and Cliff to tell us what went down at that yuletide shindig. Might illuminate some things about Fitzgerald's death. It was the night he died after all.

Ford Phillips: Not a bad idea.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): That night, we arrived at Wilhelmina's Chateau. Despite being in her inner circle for a year or so, I'd never been here. It sat high in the Franklin Hills and I was pretty sure I'd seen Clara Bow walking her dog on the sidewalk before we came inside. Wilhelmina hadn't been lying about the absolute zoo she had going at the house. I'd already been pooped on by a wayward parakeet and a shih tzu terrier chomped at the hem of my pants as I tried to add some whiskey to the weak coffee she'd served us.

[SFX: Dog barking.]

Ford Phillips: Get off me, ya mutt. Ah, I can't stay mad at you.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: That's Mop! He's named after the mop we keep in the storage closet.

Cliff Calloway: And what's this little creature's name?

[SFX: the MEOW of a cat.]

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Bucket!

Cliff Calloway: After the-

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Bucket the mop lives in!

Cliff Calloway: Great. Stellar. Fabulous.

Fig Wineshine: So you two. There was a party at Mel Hammermeister's the night F. Scott Fitzgerald died. We have the guest list from TD, but we need you two to dig deep and tell us everything you remember. Streamer colors. Aperitif flavors. Outfits. Hit me.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: So there I was, the year was 1940 -

Ford Phillips: We know, you don't need to - it just happened last month.

Fig Wineshine: Also, we got some very cool flashback music we haven't used in a while.

Cliff Calloway: Oh I love a good back flash!

[SFX: Flashback music. The party is in full swing. A live band plays CHRISTMAS MUSIC. Glasses CLINK and there's a general jovial murmur amongst the guests.]

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Mel Hammermeister's Christmas party is truly the event of the holiday season. The guest list is handpicked by Mel herself and she even got her favorite cook from Schwab’s to cater! Cliff and I arrived together around 9pm and things were just getting started! The place was decorated just like how I imagine Santa's Workshop is!

Cliff Calloway: It was on that night I learned that Willy believes in Santa Claus. Anyways, let's allow the flashback to do the heavy lifting here.

Mel Hammermeister: Calloway! Vanderjetski! Welcome to the shindig. Let's get you both some drinks. (yelling) TD! GET THEIR DRINKS!

TD Hammermeister: Of course! Now, my love, are you staying hydrated? You know how you get when you drink. Crispier than a fried cactus and just as thorny.

Mel Hammermeister: Let's pretend you didn't just say that to me.

[Penny LUGS A SACK OF props over to Mel as TD goes to get drinks.]

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Hi Penny! Happy holidays!

Penny Nickelpenny: (straining) Mel!

Mel Hammermeister: What the hell is this, a sack of gifts? Oh Penny, you're also playing Santa? Ha!

Penny Nickelpenny: Actually, this sack is about a third of the props for the movie. I need you to sign off on some of these so I can get to work duplicating them. You've been too busy at work so I figured I'd catch you here. Now, for the actual grapes... I'm thinking these chardonnay grapes are looking pretty wrathful, but on the other hand-

Mel Hammermeister: That's fine.

Penny Nickelpenny: Perfect. OK, now - Pa Joad's lasso. I found these seven lassos at an antique's road show last month. Lasso number 3 is shiny and I think it'll pop on camera, but lasso 7, hoo boy, that's the real deal-

Mel Hammermeister: Penny! I'm trying to host a party!

[SFX: A DOOR OPENS in the background.]

Penny Nickelpenny: But the movie-

Cliff Calloway: Oh look who's here, F. Scott and Sheilah!

F. Scott Fitzgerald: (inebriated) Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas.

Wilhelmina Vanerjetski: Wow Mel, I'm shocked he got an invite after you fired him from the movie!

Mel Hammermeister: You're not real sensitive, are ya?

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Oh no, I am, but that's just because my fontanelle never closed up.

Cliff Calloway: Well don't they look marvelous together. So glad they made up after the last fight.

Mel Hammermeister: (to Penny, annoyed) Penny, get this stuff out of my face. (to Horace, happy) Horace Beanslot, you old so and so!

[FLASHBACK MUSIC STOPS.]

Fig Wineshine: Horace Beanslot? I saw his name on the guest list. Who is he?

Ford Phillips: When Mel's father Shel died, he passed the studio down to her, but put his old number 2 in charge of the finances. He stays out of the limelight, but he's the one signing all the checks.

Cliff Calloway: And because of that, some might argue he's the real head of Hammermeister Studios.

Ford Phillips: Don't let Mel hear you say that.

[SFX: FLASHBACK MUSIC. The party continues. Mel talks to HORACE BEANSLOT (60s, the worst sort of business man.)]

Horace Beanslot: Mel, these horse de-overs are scrumptious. And your place! It's impeccably decorated. I never would have suspected a liberal arts major to have such good taste in interior design.

Mel Hammermeister: I'm surprised you came, Horace! You're usually too busy counting your money to come and mingle with us creative types.

Horace Beanslot: You gonna lecture me about storytelling again? Sorry we didn't all go to Barnard. Some of us learned how to make money for a living.

Mel Hammermeister: A good story is worth more than your entire Rolex collection.

[Sheilah approaches without F. Scott.]

Sheilah Graham: Asked TD to fetch me a drink but now I can't find him.

Mel Hammermeister: Here. I saved a beer for just this sort of situation.

Sheilah Graham: Disgusting. But fine. No no, I have a bottle opener on my keys.

[SFX: SHEILAH SIFTS THROUGH HER PURSE.]

Horace Beanslot: Sheilah Graham, how's the gossip game these days?

Sheilah Graham: Oh, you know how it is. Ugh, where on earth are my keys? Sorry... What are you two gabbing about?

Horace Beanslot: This better not end up in one of your columns.

Mel Hammermeister: Horace's just giving me a hard time. That old Beanslot charm.

Sheilah Graham: Did you pitch him that musical yet?

Horace Beanslot: You holding out on me, Hammermeister?

Mel Hammermeister: Well, it's called “Starlight,” about a powerful female business woman and her -

Horace Beanslot: Great, what's it based on?

Sheilah Graham: It's just an idea she had.

Horace Beanslot: That won't do.

Sheilah Graham: Oh Horace, do lighten up, it's Christmas after all. Ugh, what on earth did I do with my keys?

[Music fades.]

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: And then they all started dancing and we built a snowman!

Cliff Calloway: What? Willy, no.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Oh you're right, that's the dream I had after the party.

Cliff Calloway: In another corner of the party, I sidled up to Penny and a very inebriated F. Scott as we tried to tune out the sound of Leery plucking away on the guitar.

Leery O’Shaughnessy: (singing) Merry Christmas, though it's a sad one to be sure. Love is gone and my path is so unmoored…

Penny Nickelpenny: Jesus, this guy's gonna make every dog in the neighborhood go off.

F. Scott Fitzgerald: Indeed. Someone should put him out of his misery. Cole Porter he's not.

Cliff Calloway: Scotty. You're staring at Sheilah and I can't tell if you want to kiss her or eat her alive.

F. Scott Fitzgerald: Cliff. Calloway. Cheers! How's it feel to be the most handsome man in Hollywood?

Cliff Calloway: It's the best! I'm not at all stuck between two worlds and pretending to be something I'm not. How's the life of the great American novelist?

F. Scott Fitzgerald: Oh! I'm living the dream, Cliffy! I've got a wife who's in and out of hospitals, a mistress who's always cross with me and a boss who isn't my boss anymore cuz I was fired for that infant over there.

[Fitzgerald points at Darby from across the room.]

Darby Farnsworth: (chatting to a group) My dad said I could have a sip of wine tonight. Well, he didn't say that cuz he doesn't talk, but I could just tell.

F. Scott Fitzgerald: And just to kick me while I'm down, Whitley Trufflehaus is here, too. I oughta dunk his face in figgy pudding.

Penny Nickelpenny: Ah Fitzy, try not to sweat it. This industry is maniacal, but it's all a cycle. I only got 33 jobs at the studio right now. Last year I had 51. Whaddayagonnado? Just pick yourself up, write something new, and get back on the hamster wheel of chaos! Sounds trite, but the rest is out of your control.

F. Scott Fitzgerald: You're a good woman, *hic* Penny Nickelpenny.

Penny Nickelpenny: Eh, tell that to my ex-husband.

Cliff Calloway: Oh, excuse me you two, my Willy looks like she's dipping crudite in the ashtray again. WILLY! No!

Ford Phillips: Roger said something about Trufflehaus and Fitzgerald not getting along. Interesting.

Wilhelmina Vanerjetski: You know what else was interesting?

Cliff Calloway: Certainly not that segue.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: TD was supposed to bring me a dirty Shirley, which is a Shirley Temple with extra grenadine - and twigs - but I couldn't find him. But Mel had hired this really nice sommelier with a huge mustache who paired my carrots with a delicious zinfandel.

[Willy sips some wine. DASH disguised as a sommelier hovers.]

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Why I've never had such a good red wine. Tastes like cranberry juice!

Dash Gunfire: Yes, that one is very fruit forward with an Ocean Spray finish on the palette.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Would you like to be pen pals?

Dash Gunfire: Oh…I don't have a pen!

[Back to the present]

Ford Phillips: So even Dash made an appearance at this party, pretending to be a professional wine slinger.

Fig Wineshine: What's his angle in all this?

[Back to the party]

Leery O’Shaughnessy: Hey Sheilah! My, you look wonderful this evening. Can I get you a drink?

Sheilah Graham: Oh, uh... TD said he was getting one for me. I'm sure he'll be back soon.

Leery O’Shaughnessy: Well, in the meanwhile, would you like to hear my song?

Sheilah Graham: I should get back to... Mel was going to show me something. But look! I bet Earl the grip would love to listen, wouldn't you Earl?

Earl the Grip: Whoa, you know my name?

Sheilah Graham: Of course. Mel tells me about all of her employees.

Earl the Grip: Well yeah, I'd love to hear your song, Leery!

Leery O’Shaughnessy: (sad) Ok then.

[He strums the guitar and Sheilah walks away. Back to present.]

Fig Wineshine: Someone just listen to the man's songs! They're not THAT bad! What happened next?

Cliff Calloway: Well, I was chatting with Whitley and Darby for some time. Sang a few carols. Sheilah and Mel disappeared upstairs for a while and I noticed Fitzgerald follow. When he came back to the party he was all red faced and downed a few more drinks.

[The party continues.]

F. Scott Fitzgerald: Old sport! Give me one of those drinks from your tray, old sport.

[As Fitzgerald GLUGS the wine…]

Dash Gunfire: Of course! Oh hey, wait, you can't take more than one, those are for everyone. Hey wait. Wait. Oh. They're gone.

[Fitzgerald glugs down all the wine. He is DRUNK, you guys. Sheilah comes barging after him.]

Sheilah Graham: Scotty! What are you doing?! You're drunk!

F. Scott Fitzgerald: Grahammy Graham Graham, the gossip of guru. I'm going home. I'm in the perfect state of mind to finish my script! Tonight's final scene shall be a very interesting one indeed. Tonight! I shall end it all!!

[MEL appears behind Sheilah.]

Mel Hammermeister: That's great. Remember, I get the first look at it. Have it on my desk by Monday.

Cliff Calloway: At that point, Mel and Sheilah rejoined Horace and I took Fitzgerald aside again.

Cliff Calloway: Ho-oh! You ok there, Scotty?

F. Scott Fitzgerald: I've got the missing piece of the puzz, Calloway, by which I mean, of course: puzzle. The very thing that's going to make my very script. Please, do excuse me. Both of you. Hmm. When did you become two of you? Fascinating, old man.

Cliff Calloway: Oh, be careful, Whitley is right behi-

[Fitzgerald makes a move to leave, but crashes into Whitley in his drunken stupor.]

Whitley Trufflehaus: Watch it! This is a party, Fitz! Not a boxing ring.

F. Scott Fitzgerald: Oh, I'm ever so sorry I didn't see your godly presence behind me, Trufflehaus., I don't know where my other pair of eyes got off to. Please, take up all the space you need! I forgot that you just take whatever you want whenever you want it!! Accusations!!!!

Leery O’Shaughnessy: Now hey, let's settle down boy-os! Scotty, let's get you out of here. You're drunker than a deer on an apple farm.

Cliff Calloway: Leery walked Fitzgerald outside and then TD finally appeared with the drinks he went to get an hour earlier. Mel mentioned he locks himself in the wine cellar on a weekly basis. Darby and Whitley left shortly after that.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: And Penny left the party with the sommelier after they met underneath the mistletoe. I think she even forgot her sack of props there! Love is a wonderful thing. Christmas is the most romantic time of year, after all. Aside from Spring, Summer, October, and Monsoon season.

Ford Phillips: When did Sheilah leave?

Cliff Calloway: I don't know. Willy and I left around 1AM. After us, it was just Sheilah, Mel, and TD.

[Back to the party.]

Mel Hammermeister: Oh, I wouldn't worry about him, he's all bark and no bite.

Cliff Calloway: Who are you talking about?

Sheilah Graham: Oh, it's no one.

TD Hammermeister: Barnaby Nightingale.

Mel Hammermeister & Sheilah Graham: TD!

TD Hammermeister:Sorry, your majesties, I always forget that not every question needs an answer.

Sheilah Graham: It's nothing, he's just been antagonizing Scotty.

Mel Hammermeister: Well, he deserves it.

Sheilah Graham: Barnaby doesn't. Poor thing. His wife is running around with a well known philanderer. And you know, their pre-nup - don't get me started.

Cliff Calloway: Seems like you and Barnaby are two peas in a pod. Trapped in the sticky, seedy underbelly of love, a web of lust and deceit, jealousy and passion. No way out and no desire to look for one, just a dark, sweaty, sad - OH! Our cab is here. Ta!

[Back to the present.]

Ford Phillips: Cliff, would you say that Sheilah and Mel were sitting close together?

Cliff Calloway: All night, really.

Ford Phillips: Would you say they were...Canoodling?

Cliff Calloway: Indeed I would.

Ford Phillips: Well how's about that for a twist? Mel Hammermeister and Sheilah Graham are an item.

Wilhelmina Vanderjestki: And that's what F. Scott found out that made him so mad!

Fig Wineshine: Willy, I honestly can't believe you put that together.

Ford Phillips: Both those brain cells just working overtime.

Wilhelmina Vanderjestki: Oh good, holiday pay!

Fig Wineshine: Listen up boss, that might not be the only twist from that party. Check out the official guest list TD gave me.

[SFX: Fig HANDS OVER the paper.]

Ford Phillips: Alright.

Fig Wineshine: I was looking for names I didn't recognize. But what I should have been looking for is who wasn't on the list.

Cliff Calloway: Ugh, was it me? I knew I was a last minute pity addition. Oh, Cliff, the end is nigh!

Fig Wineshine: Shut off the tear ducts, Cliff, you were the first person on the list. But Leery O'Shaugnessy wasn't actually invited at all.

Ford Phillips: Interesting. Cliff, Willy, thanks for your time. It's been a big help.

Fig Wineshine: We'll have to follow up with Mel about this.

Ford Phillips: Absolutely. But first, I think we need to pay a visit to two of our employers and get to the bottom of their pre-nup.

[The Case of the Greater Gatsby end credit music begins]

Mary Kate Wiles: Shipwrecked Comedy Presents The Case of the Greater Gatsby

Written and directed by Sean Persaud and Sinéad Persaud

Featuring: Sean Persaud as Ford Phillips Sinéad Persaud as Fig Wineshine Julia Cho as Sheilah Graham Sarah Grace Hart as Wilhelmina Vanderjetski Tom DeTrinis as Cliff Calloway Lesli Margherita as Mel Hammermeister Blake Silver as TD Hammermeister Lauren Lopez as Penny Nickelpenny Daniel Vincent Gordh as F. Scott Fitzgerald Jeremy Bent as Horace Beanslot Carlos Alazraqui as Leery O’Shaughnessy Ginny Di as Darby Farnsworth Joey Richter as Dash Gunfire Tim de la Motte as Earl the Grip And Parvesh Cheena as Whitley Trufflehaus

Original music by Dylan Glatthorn

Audio recording by Noah Hunt Audio

Mixing and Sound Design by Lizzie Goldsmith

Executive Producers Paul Komoroski & Michael Walsh

Produced by Sarah Grace Hart, Sean Persaud, Sinead Persaud, and Mary Kate Wiles

Special thanks to Kickstarter backers Katie Adamczyk, Ally Brown, Zainab Khan, Shao Chih Kuo, Jane Leach, Avalee Long, Lisel Perrine, Halsea Root, The Rude Mechanicals, Heather Tennant, and Justin Waterman.

Please rate and review the show wherever you listen. Join us on Patreon at patreon.com/shipwreckedcomedy to receive early access to new episodes and other bonus content, and to support us making this show.

Visit Shipwrecked Comedy on YouTube to view the prequel film for this series, The Case of the Gilded Lily, or many of our other projects, like American Whoopee, a trailer for a silent film that never was.