THE CASE OF THE GREATER GATSBY EPISODE 16 - TORN TRANSCRIPT

[The Case of the Greater Gatsby opening credits music plays]

Announcer: Now presenting Fig and Ford in The Case of the Greater Gatsby. Episode 16: Torn. Written and created by Sean Persaud and Sinéad Persaud.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Back at the new office Willy had found for us, it was absolute chaos as a cavalcade of movers and painters and probably shakers streamed in and out of the doorway bringing in shiny new desks, lamps, and doodads. Ford directed them this way and that, throwing some of the more nautical themed decorative items Willy had picked out straight into the garbage can. I was glad he was taking the reins on this moving process. I was all out of faith. This is how I felt. Cold and ashamed. Bound and broken on the floor.

[SFX: Movers MOVING boxes and furniture, murmuring about where to put things, etc.]

Ford Phillips: That's a little dramatic, don't you think? Get up.

Mover: Hey! Where do you want this?

Ford Phillips: The phone? On the desk!

Mover: Makes sense! I'll set that up for you, pronto.

Fig Wineshine: There's just so much we still don't know. And now we learn that Whitley and F. Scott were at odds? That never came up on the tapes! Plus I don't know my lines for today.

TD Hammermeister: Knock knock!

[TD enters the door with a door strapped to him.]

TD Hammermeister: Just delivering your new door. Mel found out about the new office and wanted to make sure you had your privacy to continue working on her case!

Ford Phillips: Uh, thanks, set it down over there and the movers will install it.

TD Hammermeister: Sure thing! Could you just help unstrap me from it?

Ford Phillips: Oh god, ok, come here.

[They struggle to get TD out of the door strap.]

TD Hammermeister: Thank you Mr Fordlips. I mean...Phillord. I mean!

Ford Phillips: Stop trying. It's ok. I don't need you to address me. Or be near me.

[TD SNEEZES. It's gross.]

Ford Phillips: Gross.

TD Hammermeister: Sorry! Allergies. Let me just…

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): TD wiped his nose on his sleeve. It wasn't great.

TD Hammermeister: I'll just see myself out. Perhaps I'll run into you on set today, Miss Wineshine!

Ford Phillips: How come you got her name right?

Fig Wineshine: Bye TD.

TD Hammermeister: Mach's gut!

[TD leaves.]

Ford Phillips: After surviving TD's visit, I looked around the new digs. Despite a few too many anchor and sea shell trimmings, I'd say it looked better than most of the dank boxes I'd found myself in thus far. I made a mental note to myself to be a little less surly around Wilhelmina from now on.

Mover: Phone's all setup.

Fig Wineshine: Thanks bud. Hopefully we won't be hearing it ring for quite some time.

[SFX: PHONE RINGS. Fig SIGHS. Picks up the phone.]

Fig Wineshine: Phillips and Wineshine, Detectives to the Stars and sometimes wrongfully accused bar owners. How can I be of assistance?

Caller: WHY aren't you doing anything about the threatening notes to movie stars?! Barnaby Nightingale's paper says they are still happening and that YOU are the PIs on the case. This needs to stop! If anything happens to Jimmy Stewart I will spontaneously combust! That's a real thing, you know!

Fig Wineshine: Whoa whoa, simmer down there, we're doing all we can. Thank you for your call. Jimmy's in great hands.

[Fig hangs up the phone.]

Fig Wineshine: Good grief, Chucky Green.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): The barrage of phone calls from upset civilians refused to let up! People were citing the Nightingale Gazette for pointing out the flaws in our investigation. The line was as clogged as Sheilah's Graham's toilet. That's a joke for all of you who listen closely.

Fig Wineshine (on the phone): Yes Mr. Suarez-Jenkins, I understand that you're upset but Katherine Hepburn has excellent security. And a fantastic vocabulary, but that's neither here nor there.

[SFX: Angry garbled shouting on the phone.]

Fig Wineshine: Now there's no need for name calling! I'll have you know that- (beat. to Ford) He hung up.

Ford Phillips: I gathered.

[PHONE RINGS. Fig whimpers.]

Ford Phillips: I'll take this one. (he picks up) Whaddya want?

[SFX: EMPHATIC GARBLED SOUNDS FROM THE PHONE.]

Ford Phillips: Yeah I remember you. You saw what? All right, we'll be right there.

He hangs up.

Ford Phillips: That was Citizen Jasper Fox, Sheilah Graham's neighbor. Says he saw someone suspicious around the building. Let's go check it out.

Fig Wineshine: Can't! You heard TD, I'm due on set in an hour. Dramatic scene with Leery today. I'll make sure to ask him about his kingpin relative in between teary- eyed takes about Gramma Joad's death.

Ford Phillips: (annoyed) You do that.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): I wasn't resentful at all that Fig had to go to work pretending to be a tap dancing farming matriarch, or whatever that inane book is about, instead of helping me solve one of the 70 mysteries we had on our plate. I waited outside of Sheilah Graham's house, clutching F. Scott's tape reels to hand over to Claudette, who was kind enough to meet me at Citizen Jasper Fox's to figure out what the phlegmy fellow was feeling. We'd had a run in with the good citizen when we first came to talk to Sheilah about the night of Fitzgerald's death. He accosted me for smoking, and then told us he saw Fitz come home around midnight, with no visitors. All while managing a hearty and robust cough.

Claudette Knickerbocker: Ford! Did you bring the tapes?

Ford Phillips: Sure did. Here you go. Make sure they go where no Beats can find them.

[Ford HANDS OVER the REELS, in their cases.]

Claudette Knickerbocker: Thanks. Hey, you catch this case on your tie or something?

Ford Phillips: No. What do you mean?

Claudette Knickerbocker: There's a piece of fabric that caught on the hinge of it. Look.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Sure enough, there was a tiny ripped piece of maroon fabric, about a half inch by a half inch. Claudette carefully lodged it free of the metal case and placed it inside with the tapes.

Claudette Knickerbocker: You're getting lazy in your old age, Phillips.

Ford Phillips: Well that's why I keep a pro like you around. Any luck getting those pictures from Hippatia? A murder weapon would help us out a lot.

Claudette Knickerbocker: No, and it doesn't sound good. She didn't want to say anything over the phone. I'll keep digging.

Citizen Jasper Fox: Excuse me? Are you here about the intruder? Are you just going to stand around outside gossiping or are you going to - wheezes - help me?

Ford Phillips: Citizen Jasper Fox, apologies, my friend and I-

Citizen Jasper Fox: No smoking!

Ford Phillips: I'm not!

Citizen Jasper Fox: I know. Just in case you got any ideas - COUGH - Hello miss, I didn't get your name.

Claudette Knickerbocker: Claudette Knickerbocker, LAPD.

Ford Phillips: So you say you saw someone skulking around here about an hour ago?

Citizen Jasper Fox: That's correct. Skulking is exactly - COUGH - exactly the word I'd use. I've never heard it before but I would use it, and I - WHEEZE - plan to.

Claudette Knickerbocker: Is that Chevy Fleetline in the driveway yours??

Citizen Jasper Fox: Why yes! My pride and joy. Well her and my - COUGH - begonias.

Claudette Knickerbocker: Those aren't even available to the public until next year.

Citizen Jasper Fox: A fellow car fanatic! Just won her at the Carmel Car show. Won't be out til June! How about that? Citizen Jasper Fox, finally a winner.

Claudette Knickerbocker: I'm very jealous. She's a beaut.

Ford Phillips: So this intruder, can you show us where you saw them?

[They follow CJF, walking on the grass. ]

Citizen Jasper Fox: Yes, I was watering my bougainvillea right here. Look at them, aren't they beautiful? Careful, thorns. And I heard a clatter and I - COUGH - I looked up and saw someone right by Sheilah's window right there.

Ford Phillips: There's a tree in the way, how sure are you that you weren't seeing Sheilah?

Citizen Jasper Fox: Sheilah left this morning for her new job, she hasn't been back since. And when I called out, the intruder ran away.

Claudette Knickerbocker: Was it a man or woman? Can you tell how tall they were? Hair color?

Citizen Jasper Fox: My eyes aren't as good as they once were. They were kind of a dark blob! Maybe wearing a hat. Although, it could have just been hair. Or bald. Or bald with hat. Anyway, my begonias won a prize in the Encino Flower Festival in August so I thought maybe they were here to snatch them from me!

Ford Phillips: That's certainly a possibility.

Claudette Knickerbocker: We'll take a look around and see if we can dig up any clues. Thank you for your vigilance, and if you see anything else, please be sure to call us again.

Citizen Jasper Fox: Anytime.

Claudette Knickerbocker: Oh, and one more thing.

Citizen Jasper Fox: COUGHING - Yes?

Claudette Knickerbocker: Well, Ford, you know I enjoy following the ins and outs of the auto industry.

Ford Phillips: Sure, that's been well established.

Claudette Knickerbocker: Agreed. I not only know my way around a carburetor, but I also happen to know that the Carmel car show took place in Carmel California, 260 miles away, from December 19th to December 21st.

Ford Phillips: Interesting. How could someone have been at the Carmel Car Show and also right here in LA where he said he saw F. Scott Fitzgerald come home around midnight? And nothing else?

Citizen Jasper Fox: Uh, well, you see, I - COUGH COUGH...

[CJF devolves into a fit of coughing and wheezing.]

Citizen Jasper Fox: Someone fetch an ambulance - COUGH- I never saw Paris!! COUGH COUGH- I'm sorry, I don't know what got into me.

Ford Phillips: Claudette, tell him what's gonna get into him if he doesn't start rattling that jaw.

Claudette Knickerbocker: Probably the overwhelming urge to contact a lawyer. Fancy a citizen's arrest?

[SFX: the clink of HANDCUFFS as Claudette pulls them from her back pocket.]

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Jasper's eyes went wide at the sight of the handcuffs and suddenly all the bluster and bravado evaporated, replaced by a jittery unease and constant looks over his shoulders.

Citizen Jasper Fox: Fine. Fine. I wasn't here. I didn't see anything. I'm sorry.

Ford Phillips: Then why lie?

Citizen Jasper Fox: I...WHEEZE - I - WHEEZE - can't say.

Claudette Knickerbocker: Cough once if you were "persuaded" to tell anyone who asked that you saw Sheilah and F. Scott come home at 9pm the night of the 20th.

[CJF COUGHS ONCE.]

Ford Phillips: And cough twice if that person has a name that rhymes with Shmo Shmeats.

[CJF COUGHS TWICE.]

Claudette Knickerbocker: That weasel has his slimy little hands in everything!

Ford Phillips: What did he threaten you with?

Citizen Jasper Fox: Well, nothing specific, he just kind of shook his fist at me.

Ford Phillips: Wait, that's it?

Citizen Jasper Fox: YEAH! Also he raised his eyebrows a little, like this.

Ford Phillips: That's what it took to scare you into submission? A Three Stooges impression? He didn't threaten your family or stomp your flowers or impound your car?

Citizen Jasper Fox: Nope, just the fist thing. And the eyebrows. 80% fist and 20% eyebrows is what did it.

Ford Phillips: I can't believe this.

Sheilah Graham: Oh hello, is everything quite alright?

Ford Phillips (Vocie Over): We turned to see a concerned Sheilah Graham walking from her parked car.

Citizen Jasper Fox: SHEILAH! I called them because I saw someone skulking around your place, isn't that a great word? Skulking? AHHH, Please don't walk on that part of the grass, I just watered it, Sheilah!

Sheilah Graham: Oh. Oh dear.

Claudette Knickerbocker: It doesn't look like anyone broke in, but we'd be happy to join you inside and give the place a once over.

Sheilah Graham: Oh I think I'd like that. Thank you.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): As we followed Sheilah inside, I wondered if Fig was having any luck with Leery at the studio.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): It felt like months, not days, since I'd been on the lot in hair and makeup. I found myself looking forward to it in a way I used to look forward to my writing or PI work. But this case... or cases… were getting to me. My head was spinning with suspects. Crawling with crimes. I longed to escape into the musical dust bowl and just leave the twisted real world behind.

[SFX: STUDIO SOUNDS]

Penny Nickelpenny: You in your makeup, Winebar?

Fig Wineshine: Clearly! I'm covered in dust!

Penny Nickelpenny: I don't know what you do in your personal life. Go run lines with Leery. We only got a couple takes with the wind blower. It's a rental from Mister Connor's Hat Haven and I've been informed it might explode if we use it for more than ten minutes.

Fig Wineshine: On it, boss.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): I bid my makeup artist adieu and headed to Leery's dressing room. The twang of his guitar strings sounded from within.

[Fig KNOCKS on the door.]

Fig Wineshine: Hey there scene partner, wanna give these lines a practice so that Penny doesn't have a conniption?

Leery O’Shaughnessy: Fig! Why I'd love to, let me just rustle up those sides.

Fig Wineshine: Say, while I have you. You don't happen to share DNA with noted crime boss Luigi O'Shaughnessy, do you?

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): I didn't know how Leery would react. Some folks aren't at all pleased when you bring up their ne'er do well relations. But Leery just sighed and nodded.

Leery O’Shaughnessy: That Luigi sure did take a wrong turn somewhere. He's my half brother. Heard about his involvement in Bixby's ousting. Such a shame. But I wouldn't dare try to talk any sense into him. Scary feller. Always rolls up to family reunions in a new car that I'm sure wasn't bought with honest earned cash.

Fig Wineshine: So you're not close?

Leery O’Shaughnessy: Nah. I'm a lover, he's a fighter. Only thing we got in common is that O'Shaughnessy passion. A sort of raging fire in our veins. I try to channel mine into the arts.

Fig Wineshine: I suppose I'll have to try and get Bixby his bar back another way.

[Leery finds his script, rustles through some pages.]

Leery O’Shaughnessy: All right, here's my script. Starts with your line.

Fig Wineshine: (acting) Hey Pa Joad, hope you're ready to tap dance your way through this dust storm! (breaking) Ah geez, this movie is terrible.

[Jazzy interlude]

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Claudette and I finished combing through Sheilah's apartment, rejoining our host in the living room, where she was pouring us tea.

Ford Phillips: You don't have anything stronger, do you?

Sheilah Graham: Oh, just let the bag steep longer.

Ford Phillips: Yeah, that's not what I meant.

Claudette Knickerbocker: Everything's clear, Ms. Graham. No signs of forced entry, no one in the apartment but the three of us.

Sheilah Graham: I'm sure Citizen Jasper Fox was just seeing things. He's so easily excitable.

Claudette Knickerbocker: Just the same, if you see or hear anything out of the ordinary, let us know and we'll send someone out.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): As Claudette wrapped things up with Sheilah, I was distracted by a small, dazzling light that shined directly in my eye for a second before disappearing. I turned to the front window, expecting to see car headlights, but... nothing. As I walked forward, the light twinkled again, and I saw it - something metal was hanging in the curtains, reflecting the sun as the breeze billowed through the open window. I pulled out a handkerchief and tugged the offending object from where it was stuck. An impossibly shiny tie clip, emblazoned with the letters B-E-N.

Sheilah Graham: What's that you have there?

Ford Phillips: Nothing Ms. Graham. Thought I saw a bug.

Sheilah Graham: A bug, eh?

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): I exchanged a glance with Claudette, who seemed to understand. It was time to get out of there.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Leery and I had been waiting for 30 minutes under the hot set lights while Penny tried to make the wind machine work.

[SFX: Metal CLANGS]

Whitley Trufflehaus: How much longer, Penny?

Penny Nickelpenny: I swear to god. I'll just BLOW on them if this is how it's gonna be.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): I was about to excuse myself when a whirlwind of a human being stormed onto the set with Wilhelmina in her wake.

Juniper Wetblossom: Sorry I'm late darlings! Lost track of time listening to Sheilah Graham's new radio show. She is so BAD.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Everyone! This is Juniper Wetblossom. She'll be taking over Lex Punchwhistle's role! She's such a delight. Everyone clap!

[SFX: Rex sobs.]

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: What's wrong, Rex?

Rex Punchwhistle: Lex is still missing and these people just callously replaced her without a thought!

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Oh gosh Rex, I'm so sorry. And I'm also sorry I keep forgetting that she's missing.

Rex Punchwhistle: It's ok. I know you have a lot of tap dance moves to hold in your brain.

Leery O’Shaughnessy: Nice to meet you, miss! Juniper, what a lovely name. I'll have to put it in a song.

Fig Wineshine: Loved you in Sufferin' Safari!

Juniper Wetblossom: What! You saw that little picture?

Rex Punchwhistle: It was number one at the box office.

Juniper Wetblossom: A small passion project!

Rex Punchwhistle: It had a bigger budget than Gone with the Wind.

Juniper Wetblossom: Just some friends hanging out, making a little thing.

Rex Punchwhistle: The president talked about it in the State of the Union.

Juniper Wetblossom: It's important to always be working.

Wilhelmina Vanderjestki: Here Juniper, I made you one of my famous coworker bracelets to welcome you to the team!

Juniper Wetblossom: Oh Willy, it's divine! I'll wear it until I die.

[The WIND MACHINE roars to life.]

Penny Nickelpenny: HaHA! Got it working. OH NO! It's set to suck, not blow!

[The wind machine SUCKS Juniper's friendship bracelet into it!]

Juniper Wetblossom: Oh no! It's sucked up my bracelet!

[The machine GARBLES and BREAKS. SPUTTERS to a stop. Juniper runs over and UNTANGLES the bracelet from it.]

Juniper Wetblossom: Never fear, Willy! The bracelet is still intact. This is made of some sturdy stuff.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Only the best for my coworkers!

Whitley Trufflehaus: Juniper, off to hair and makeup with you. Penny, you'll just have to blow on them.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): I hastened to catch up with Juniper before she was whisked away to hair and makeup.

Fig Wineshine: Juniper, Fig Wineshine. Former reporter, current PI and at the present moment, moonlighting as an actor. Did you say Sheilah Graham has a new radio show?

Juniper Wetblossom: Oh yes, and it's tawdry as all beans! The gossip that gal has. It's enough to make a beet blush!

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Interesting. Thanks for the tip. See you back on set.

Juniper Wetblossom: Are you ok?

Fig Wineshine: Hmm? Oh did I not say that out loud? Darn, I must have internal monologued it and not realized. Sorry, my double life is really getting to me.

Juniper Wetblossom: I understand. I dated a PI for a while and he'd do that all the time. I started learning how to read facial expressions really well. Now I'm dating a mime and we're really happy together! Anyhow, you might want to take a gander at Sheilah's show. She sure did have some things to say about you!

Fig Wineshine (Voice over): Juniper skipped off. I wondered what was the nail in the coffin for Juniper's PI relationship. The long hours? The darkness that inevitably creeps into your soul? Or perhaps the realization that the person you're with will always prioritize work. I shrugged off those thoughts and got to my scene with Leery. Later, I'd have a radio show to listen to. What rumors was Ms. Graham spreading about me?

[The Case of the Greater Gatsby closing theme begins.]

Sinéad Persaud: Shipwrecked Comedy presents The Case of the Greater Gatsby

Written and directed by Sean Persaud and Sinéad Persaud

Featuring: Sinead Persaud as Fig Wineshine Sean Persaud as Ford Phillips Julia Cho as Mover and Sheilah Graham Blake Silver as TD Hammermeister Paul Komoroski as Phone Caller Joanna Sotomura as Claudette Knickerbocker Parvesh Cheena as Citizen Jasper Fox and Whitley Trufflehaus Lauren Lopez as Penny Nickelpenny Carlos Alazraqui as Leery O’Shaughnessy Krystina Arielle as Juniper Wetblossom Sarah Grace Hart as Wilhelmina Vanderjetski And Brian Rosenthal as Rex Punchwhistle

Original music by Dylan Glatthorn

Audio recording by Noah Hunt Audio

Mixing and Sound Design by Lizzie Goldsmith

Executive Producers Paul Komoroski & Michael Walsh

Produced by Mary Kate Wiles, Sarah Grace Hart, Sean Persaud, and Sinead Persaud.

Special thanks to Kickstarter backers Katie Adamczyk, Ally Brown, Zainab Khan, Shao Chih Kuo, Jane Leach, Avalee Long, Lisel Perrine, Halsea Root, The Rude Mechanicals, Heather Tennant, and Justin Waterman.

Please rate and review the show wherever you listen. Join us on Patreon at patreon.com/shipwreckedcomedy to receive early access to new episodes and other bonus content, and to support us making this show.

Visit Shipwrecked Comedy on YouTube to view the prequel film for this series, The Case of the Gilded Lily, or many of our other projects, like Edgar Allan Poe’s Murder Mystery Dinner Party, our eleven part series that imagines a bunch of famous figures from literature into one dinner party that goes terribly wrong.