THE CASE OF THE GREATER GATSBY EPISODE 15 - SAY YOU’LL BE THERE TRANSCRIPT

[The Case of the Greater Gatsby opening credits music plays]

Announcer: Now presenting Fig and Ford in The Case of the Greater Gatsby. Episode 15: Say You’ll Be There. Written and created by Sean Persaud and Sinéad Persaud.

[SFX: JAIL SECURITY DOOR BUZZER]

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): The Los Angeles Shady Palms Penitentiary. The nicest clink in the city. It's where all the white collar criminals get sentenced. Where you go if you could usually write a check to make all your problems go away but this time could only make your problems slightly less inconvenient.

Claudette Knickerbocker: Claudette Knickerbocker with the LAPD. We're here to see Bixby Crane.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): As a Private Investigator, I often found myself slinking around Shady Palms to get some intel or put the screws to a perp. I never expected to be here visiting Bixby Crane. Since Willy was due to visit her imprisoned husband, Roger Haircremé, who was also locked up here, she tagged along with me, Fig, and Claudette. As we approached Bixby's cellblock, I felt an overwhelming urge to turn back. Was it my fault Mo Beats had come out of nowhere and taken over Bixby's? Had I been asleep at the wheel this whole time in a constant cycle of interviewing Vivian and Sheilah and getting absolutely nowhere? For a while, it had seemed like Fig and I were onto something. But now, we're going 'round in circles. Tell me, will this déjà vu never end?

[A jail door CLANKS shut in the distance.]

Jail Guard: Haircremé's busy. Bixby Crane's down at the end of the hall, but careful. He's agitated.

Fig Wineshine: Well of course he is, the man's been without any cookies for almost 24 hours!

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: I brought him some of my famous snickerdoodles! Brought some for Roger too. I can't wait to see him!

Fig Wineshine: Willy, those are a store bought box of cookies with your face on them.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Exactly! Nabisco struck a deal with my agent. My face on every box of cookies for a year and the lead role in the upcoming Oreo film! The tag line is: Love is the creme that holds us all together…

Ford Phillips: Oh no. No no.

Fig Wineshine: Ew.

Claudette Knickerbocker: I hate that.

Fig Wineshine: Willy, usually when you say your “famous cookies”, it means you made them.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Oh I'm not allowed in kitchens anymore. Not after May of 1938.

Claudette Knickerbocker: I'll make a note to research that later.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): As we kept walking down the hall towards Bixby, I couldn't help but replay the events that led us all here today. Not just Bixby, but Wilhelmina and her husband, disgraced movie producer Roger Haircremé. Fig and I started working together on a case that saw Willie being blackmailed. The discovery that the blackmailer was her own husband somehow went down in the history books as an act of love and seemingly made their marriage even stronger. And when Roger ended up in the slammer months later for gambling away the rights to Alfred Hitchcock's Rebecca, causing Hammermeister Studios to miss out on one of the year's biggest hits, Willie and Roger's bond deepened even more.

[A jail cell door SLIDES OPEN.]

Bixby Crane: Fig? Ford?! Willy?! And if it isn't my favorite LAPD officer named after pants.

Claudette Knickerbocker: Unfortunately, Sgt. Gorbachev Culotte came out of retirement.

Bixby Crane: Ah. Well, you'll get there eventually.

Fig Wineshine: Bixby, don't fret! We're working around the clock to get you out of here. But just in case, I've brought you a poster of Rita Hayworth and this rock hammer.

Bixby Crane: I appreciate that, Fig. I'm just worried that Mo Beats is going to ruin the bar's reputation. What if he doesn't know that “on the rocks” means ice? It took me years to learn that one.

Claudette Knickerbocker: His evidence against you is paper thin. Even if you did know about the political leanings of some of the Brigade members, it isn't illegal to rent out space to salon groups. I'm sure I can get the case thrown out and I'll make sure you get the best public defender I can find.

Bixby Crane: No, please, you all have your hands full finding out who murdered F. Scott Fitzgerald, who stole his script, what manner of secrets are in the script, who's sending threatening letters around Hollywood, why Dash Gunfire keeps popping up, and what happened to the missing Punchwhistle triplet.

Ford Phillips: People keep saying that last one as if I know what it means.

Fig Wineshine: Don't worry about it, boss. Bixby, we'll happily take on the job of busting you out of the joint.

Bixby Crane: I appreciate it.

Ford Phillips: I'm serious, I wasn't there when this Punchwhistle thing happened.

Fig Wineshine: I'll fill you in later.

Ford Phillips: Fine. Claudette, what's the official story on Bixby from the department?

Claudette Knickerbocker: The case they're building is that Bixby was harboring communists and spreading government secrets as someone in a position to overhear conversations from the most powerful men in Los Angeles. But the real story is that local crime Kingpin Luigi O'Shaughnessy needed a foothold in Los Feliz and lusted after Bixby's Lounge as his new hub. He needed someone dirty on the inside to run it, so he called up his pal Mo Beats. They tried pushing you out by pressuring your landlord Old Bob, but when that didn't work, Mo Beats came up with this scheme targeting the Brigade. You were too popular and incorruptible to remove in any other way.

Bixby Crane: I might be corrupted by the scent of those cookies in your purse, Ms. Vanderjetski!

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: All for you!

Ford Phillips: Wait a minute. Luigi O'Shaughnessy... is he any relation to our guitar-strumming friend Leery?

Claudette Knickerbocker: Yep. Luigi took over the family business while his older brother became a big Hollywood star. Probably with the help of the family.

Fig Wineshine: Interesting. It's never come up on set, but we should probably have a chat with him.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): As Bixby chowed down on Willy's famous cookies, which is a sentence I should probably rephrase, I couldn't help but notice a mustachioed guard drifting toward us like a cartoon dog after a pie on a windowsill.

Jail Guard: Might a humble jail guard on his union mandated 10 minute break get in on this cookie party?

Fig Wineshine: Dash, why are you disguised as a jail guard?

Dash Gunfire: Aw man. I thought I did really well this time.

Ford Phillips: Actually, it wasn't bad. I didn't realize it was you til you made it into the cell. You might be improving.

Dash Gunfire: I turned around to hide my fist pump and tried to play it cool. The first compliment I'd ever received from my best friend.

Fig Wineshine: Dash...

Dash Gunfire: Yeah, yeah I know. It wasn't voice over. I'm working on it. I swear I did it over Christmas, you guys shoulda been there! Actually, in a way, you were. In my heart!

[A knock on the cement wall. A JAIL SECRETARY pokes her head in.]

Jail Secretary: Excuse me. Mr. Haircremé will see you now.

Wilhelmina Venderjetski: Oh yay!

Ford Phillips: What the–How did Roger get a secretary in here?

Bixby Crane: Only been in here for a night, but I've already heard all about him. Seems like he's doing pretty well for himself.

Claudette Knickerbocker: I have to head back to the station.

Fig Wineshine: Hey Claudette, I've been thinking. I'd like to take a gander at the strangulation wound on Fitzgerald's neck. Ford hasn't been much help in describing it, but it might help us pinpoint an exact murder weapon.

Claudette Knickerbocker: Sure. Cover up or not, Hippatia is required to document that kind of thing. I'll ask her for the pictures.

Bixby Crane: Always a pleasure, Ms. Knickerbocker.

Dash Gunfire: Annnd I've gotta go too.

[A beat.]

Ford Phillips: Alright.

Fig Wineshine (Voice Over): Dash slumped away behind Claudette. We left Bixby's cell and followed Roger's secretary down another hallway. The labyrinth of cement tunnels seemed to converge on a double wide cell, with warm lights, tapestries draped down the wall, a wide open door, and a massive desk covered in bound scripts. At the center of it all, looking as relaxed as ever, was movie producer Roger Haircremé and... wait, what was TD Hammermeister doing here?

Roger Haircremé: Willy, my one shining star, you're a sight for sore eyes. Ford Phillips, there's the guy! And Fig Wineshine, did you get taller? You look great! Just wrapping up here with my good friend Theodore-

TD Hammermeister: Uh, yes, sorry to intrude.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): TD stumbled out of his chair, quickly fastening his briefcase and awkwardly began to back out of the cell.

TD Hammermeister: Thank you Mr. Haircremé, the contracts look to be in order, we'll be in touch soon.

Roger Haircremé: Hey, that's great, guy. Watch your-

[A loud crash as TD falls.]

TD Hammermeister: That's ok, I'm fine, I'm ok.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Oh you poor thing, let me help you.

Roger Haircremé: TD stopped by to clear up some contract stuff and told me about these awful threats targeting movie adaptations. Hollywood is under siege! Lucky for me I'm nice and safe in prison, especially now that I have this whole thing set up here.

Ford Phillips: Yeah, uh, if you don't mind us asking.... what is this whole thing?

Roger Haircremé: It's my new movie studio. Darling, haven't you told them?

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Of course not, you had me sign that NDA.

Roger Haircremé: Honey, that wasn't an NDA, that was a Christmas card for my mother.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: It looked very similar.

Roger Haircremé: I supposed that's true, prison card shops leave something to be desired.

[TD finishes putting himself together.]

TD Hammermeister: Ok well I feel fine, everyone. Guten tag, so long, farewell, adieu adieu adieu to you and you and you.

[TD leaves, crashing into things as he exits. The sound eventually fades.]

Roger Haircremé: So good to see you all! Does anyone want an espresso? No? Just me? Please please, everyone take some merch courtesy of my jailhouse studio Creme de la Cremé Creations.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Isn't that such a great name? Sounds like an ice cream shoppe!

Roger Haircremé: They let me start making movies in here as an enrichment activity for the inmates. Keeps everyone busy and out of trouble. Turns out the pictures have been great. We've been selling to theatres all across the globe.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: From Snitches to Riches, Alice Doesn't Shiv Here Anymore, High Security, a thriller with Tyrone Power -

Roger Haircremé: Ty got thrown in here for public intoxication just so he could do the picture!

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: And of course there's Solitary: The Musical, Contraband: The Musical, Shanked! The Musical -

Ford Phillips: The inmates really seem to like musicals, huh.

Roger Haircremé: What can I say, we gotta dance, we gotta sing. And you know what else we got?

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Roger walked us over to a pile of boxes in the corner.

Roger Haircremé: We've got fully licensed Creme de la Cremé tote bags, hats, pens, notepads, mousepads, though I have no idea what those are for, shot glasses, license plates, since we already have the infrastructure for those in prison, toilet wine, and even these cute napkins.

Fig Wineshine: Great. I've been needing a new visor. Also a napkin. Gotta wipe these fingies clean of cinnamon sugar. Hey Haircremé, how'd you get this studio up and running from the inside?

Roger Haircremé: Why it's as easy as one two three! If one two three was having a lot of money, charm, and great hair. Hey, did Willy tell you about the Oreo movie? Goes into production right after Grapes of Wrath is finished.

Fig Wineshine: Unfortunately, yes.

Roger Haircremé: How about that tag line? Love is the cremé that holds us all together.

Ford Phillips: Still bad. Worse now, even.

Fig Wineshine: Well, we'll leave you lovebirds to your visit. Like you said, Hollywood is under seige. We have plenty of crimes to solve and we can't be dilly dallying in the pen for too long lest our leads fizzle.

Roger Haircremé: Willy told me you're on the Fitzgerald case. Quite the bad scene. Sounds like the Grapes of Wrath picture is suffering for it.

Ford Phillips: Yeah, even though he had already been fired, it seems as if the whole production is cursed.

Roger Haircremé: It would have been a disaster anyhow. I was shocked to hear Whitley Trufflehaus and Fitz were working together after everything that went down.

Fig Wineshine: What now?

Roger Haircremé: Whitley and Fitz? They were working together years ago on an adaptation of The Great Gatsby, and it didn't go well. I have no idea what happened between them, but I've always known to never put those two in a room together.

Ford Phillips (Voice Over): Fig and I shared a look. How were we still learning about F. Scott Fitzgerald's feuds this deep into our investigation?

Fig Wineshine: I'll just add that to my mental list.

Ford Phillips: No, add it to a real list.

Roger Haircremé: Haircremé notepad?

Fig Wineshine: Sure.

[Fig scribbles the note down on the notepad.]

Fig Wineshine: And Haircremé, whenever you ditch the prison onesie for a crisp double-breasted Hart Schaffner Marx, we should all get a drink. Say, I'm honestly surprised you haven't been bailed out yet.

Roger Haircremé: It's difficult when the people keeping me in here are just as rich as I am.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Bail?

Ford Phillips: Yeah, you know? Like bailing people out of prison?

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: You can do that?! HOW?!

Ford Phillips: By paying the bail amount.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Well if it's just money that criminals need to get out, I've got plenty! HEY EVERYONE! I'm bailing you out!

[Prisoners react, hooting and hollering from cells down the hall over each other.]

Prisoner 1: YEAH!!!

Prisoner 2: Bail us out!!

Prisoner 3: The pretty lady has money!!

Ford Phillips: No no, Willy you shouldn't bail everyone out, some of these people should probably stay and atone for their crimes.

Prisoner 1: Don't listen to him!!

Prisoner 2: We hate atoning!!

Prisoner 3: Crime is good actually!!

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: Oh, ok. I see. I think.

Fig Wineshine: Well, I can think of one person she should bail out...

[A jazzy musical interlude]

Jail Guard: Have a nice day Mr. Crane, it's been a pleasure having you at Shady Palms Penitentiary.

Bixby Crane: No no, thank you. And thank YOU, Ms. Vanderjetski, for bailing me out. I’m Bixby.

Wilhelmina Vanderjetski: (cheerful as ever) You're welcome! I still don't really understand how this system works and I feel it may be a little corrupt!

Ford Phillips: All right, let's get you home and figure out how to get your bar back. Cuz boy oh boy, do I need a heavy pour.

[The Case of the Greater Gatsby closing theme begins.]

Sean Persaud: Shipwrecked Comedy presents The Case of the Greater Gatsby

Written and directed by Sean Persaud and Sinéad Persaud

Featuring: Sean Persaud as Ford Phillips Joanna Sotomura as Claudette Knickerbocker Tim de la Motte as Jail Guard Sinéad Persaud as Fig Wineshine Sarah Grace Hart as Wilhelmina Vanderjetski Dante Swain as Bixby Crane Joey Richter as Dash Gunfire Parissa Koo as Jail Secretary Tom DeTrinis, Brian Rosenthal, and Tommy Hobson as Prisoners And Blake Silver as TD Hammermeister

Original music by Dylan Glatthorn

Audio recording by Noah Hunt Audio

Mixing and Sound Design by Lizzie Goldsmith

Executive Producers Paul Komoroski & Michael Walsh

Produced by Sean Persaud, Sinéad Persaud, and Mary Kate Wiles

Special thanks to Kickstarter backers Katie Adamczyk, Ally Brown, Zainab Khan, Shao Chih Kuo, Jane Leach, Avalee Long, Lisel Perrine, Halsea Root, The Rude Mechanicals, Heather Tennant, and Justin Waterman.

Please rate and review the show wherever you listen. Join us on Patreon at patreon.com/shipwreckedcomedy to receive early access to new episodes and other bonus content, and to support us making this show.

Visit Shipwrecked Comedy on YouTube to view the prequel film for this series, The Case of the Gilded Lily, or many of our other projects, like our modern adaptation of Washington Irving’s The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, Headless: A Sleepy Hollow Story.