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[00:00:00] Hello, everybody, and welcome to the Mr. Pick Me. I am talking now. I, why would you ruin it immediately? Hello. I didn't hear you. What was that? Hey, everybody. And welcome to the. Mr. Pick me and the man hater talk show radio host our wrong. That's not what we're doing here. We are here to do a show brought to you by zoom.

You have to stop giving fake sponsors. Okay. By us. It's just by us. Hello everyone. And welcome back. Uh, I am, do you remember those commercials by men in What was Menin? Is that it? I literally could not tell you what you were talking about. Bye Menin! I'm gonna look it up. Keep talking. We're doing a show.

This is a great time for it. I'm so glad this is how you're doing an intro. By Menon! You're screaming old commercials. Menon's speech stick. It was a, [00:01:00] uh, deodorant. That is so important to us right now. I'm so glad you have taken the time to educate us on deodorant. Okay, well, um, that's the, our intro for today, I guess.

By Menon! It's not by Menon. It's by no one. It's just us. Welcome. And, uh, today we're taking it to One of our classic formats, which is doing an Am I the Asshole? So what question are we answering today? Am I the Asshole for asking my wife to do her responsibilities? Ooh, theme song! That

was the most [00:02:00] unhinged intro ever. You interrupted me immediately. Literally, I got two words out of your mouth. Like why? You don't know. I'm afraid to do a good one. I feel like that's the end. That's going to be our last episode. Why? It's not like a curse. Maybe it is. I don't even, what's wild is I. I am the most, um, what's the word I'm looking for?

Uh, insane. Yes.

Um, I am the most non superstitious superstitious person in the world. I don't actually believe in any superstitions, but I'm also like, but we need to do it this way. So maybe. So maybe anxious and not superstitious? I guess maybe it's anxiety superstition where I'm like, if it, if it doesn't, if we don't do it exactly this way, it's going to be bad.

Yep. I don't know. That's Yeah, but I don't believe there's any higher reasoning for it. I just think, maybe I do. Maybe this is my, maybe I'm learning something about myself. [00:03:00] Did I just, did I just become religious again? I just found God. Am I going to church? Nope, you're just anxious. That's all. You just found mental illness.

Found it a long time ago. I know. Can't get away from it. Really never lost it. I wish you would go away. All right. So this is broken into four parts. Would you like part one? It's not like four, there's not like four chapters to this. It's just, I took four screenshots. And so that's what I was like, this is a saga.

No, it's not even that long. It's just so, so part one of the AICA saga, a little about me. I'm 30, and my wife is 29. I'm so sorry, that's just such a rough start, okay? Keep going. Before we got married, we knew each other for three years. We decided I would be the sole earner responsible for finances and taxes, while she would be a housewife, taking care of the kids and household duties.

We agreed she would [00:04:00] never work, and I wouldn't ask her to either. Okay. So that's the first part. So at, at this point, there's, there's already obviously hints of weirdness going on here, but if you agree on something as a household that could still be a partnership, it doesn't have to be a, so, so at this point, there's nothing really.

I don't have a problem with people agreeing on how they want to divide the labor in a household. That's fine by me, as long as they both agree to it and they don't change it on each other. I agree. And that's the thing is that up to this point, it's fine. Part two. What a short part. I know. And that's why I said that it was, it was weirdly posted online.

So I had to take weird screenshots. In the first two years of our marriage, we didn't have kids. I worked from 8 a. m. to 6 p. m. Sometimes she'd wake up and make me breakfast, sometimes she wouldn't. I didn't mind because we were early in our [00:05:00] marriage. On days she made breakfast, she would also pack me lunch.

On days she didn't wake up early, I would eat both breakfast and lunch at work. This is very specific. She will, she would wake up around 12 to 2 p. m. Do household chores and wait for me to come home. We would have dinner together and spend time going out for movies, dinners, or visiting friends at least twice a week.

Okay. So, so it's interesting. The amount of details he's adding is making me nervous. Yeah. I'm like, why are you telling me? Where you ate breakfast and lunch. Okay.

Is that all should be one part, but this year we had a baby. I took one month of leave to help her, which is the maximum my job allows. State leave was not an option because the subsidized pay wouldn't cover our bills. After my leave, her parents stayed with us for two months, helping with the baby. I supported all the household bills during this time.

After they left, our baby was three months old [00:06:00] and this is when the issues begin. Oh boy. My wife. My wife was used to her previous routine of waking up late and now found it difficult to manage caring for the baby and household chores. This is where I start to sweat. You know how crazy I am about supporting new moms.

I mean, could you, I mean, the audacity of her to have any difficulty with it, it's, it's easy, right? Three months old. I just, I also, this is biased probably, but I feel like he's exaggerating the before, cause he's saying she like, slept in till noon every single day. Yeah. As, at thirty, mmm. Unless they're staying up.

Okay, keep going. Oh, no, wait. Is this not a part? How many parts are there? No, there's five parts. Sorry. You lied to me! I did. I offered to lie. I offered to lie. I offered to help by cleaning the first floor of our house and putting our baby to bed several times a week despite working from 8am to 6pm, handling all immigration paperwork, I don't understand what this is, [00:07:00] that part's about.

There was no explanation of it. Taxes, bills, and grocery shopping since she doesn't arrive. However, every day I come home, she seems angry or upset, often taking it out on me. Sometimes it's about the baby. Sometimes it's about me not helping enough around the house. What is that? I'm confused. Where's the immigration coming in?

I don't, I don't know where that. That has no, there's, that doesn't come back up again, so I don't know what that's about, but there's some sort of immigration paperwork. I don't know. Okay. Keep going. Today. We had an argument where I asked her why she was consistently struggling with her responsibilities.

I acknowledged that she had an easier life in the first two years of our marriage because she didn't work, but reminded her that we had planned for this baby and understood it would require more work. We'd agreed she would be the primary caretaker and housewife, but now she would not stop complaining and we can't stop having fights.

Am I the asshole for asking her to fulfill her share of the household [00:08:00] responsibilities? Jessica, what are your thoughts?

I think he's an asshole because I think there's the reason I, I thought this was to be an interesting one to discuss. Cause there's very clearly a lot of stuff he's not saying, right, right, right, right, right. And this is like, there's, there's, there's a lot of detail, but at the same time, there's no detail breakfast.

I ate lunch in the cafeteria. Like tell, tell me more about the important stuff. What's going on at home. And he emphasized. I'm working this, that's the part that actually really, the, that annoys me. There's, I don't wanna say more than others, but, but I worked eight to six. I need to be clear. I have a law, a job where I'm working many hours versus her.

I let her have this extravagant lifestyle. The first two years of our marriage where she got to do whatever she wanted. So I've put in my dues. [00:09:00] Right. But now that's the thing. And I even spoke to this, I think at the very front end of this. So often when this arrangement is set up, it ends up with resentment as in the, the man who agrees, like, you know, this is traditional roles, right?

A woman can like stay home and do the, you know, caretaking and like take care of the house, they hold resentment for that, right? And that's what we have here. He's like, I, I did it for two years. I went to work. I did this. She sleeps until 12. It's like, That's the agreement though, isn't it? Like as long as she was taking why are you complaining and now you're continuing to clearly like You're taking a tally of it, right?

So If that's the arrangement, then why are you upset? And like why are you even to even bring all that stuff up showcases the fact that I think he's [00:10:00] somewhat resentful And believes maybe he's giving more than she is despite the fact that they set that up And I think even the go back to the breakfast thing Yeah, too.

I think that was very clearly set up like To get people like, wait, wait, wait, wait. She wasn't making you breakfast every day. You ate lunch in the cafeteria. Disgusting. Yeah. Oh my God. You, you, she said she would like, is he was expecting, there's very clearly some anger there already. Even though he was acting like I was fine.

It was not a big deal. No. Why are you telling us this details? You noticed it very specifically because you resented it, the fact that she was not doing that. And it's, it's one of those things where you're just like, if you agree that that's fair and that's how you're going to do it, then you can't hold on these, like, hold on to that.

You can't do this checklist. You can't think that you're giving more. If you guys agree to that, and I think that's, that's what we're seeing here is like, he clearly thinks he's doing more. He's [00:11:00] talking about the hours he's doing. And then we add the parent and here's the thing, like being the primary caregiver, while obviously that's a role, caregiver and primary being, you're the one who's doing the dominant amount of the work, right?

Being a parent. Is a two person job and it's a role So to say like well, that's your that's your job. You're doing all the caregiving like no you're parenting, bro I gave you a free ride for two years and now I deserve to never have to lift a finger And that's it, right? That's, that's the traditional role.

It's like, I'm just kicking the shit out of this desk, sorry. I'm just seeing my computer shaking. Um, it's like they, they're like, you take, you, you be like the Susie homemaker, and it's going to be great, and then we'll have kids. They see raising a child as the woman's role. And that's crazy, as if like all of that [00:12:00] should be their role.

They should come home, they should still have everything done for them, and they should not have to participate in the child. And he's like, I put the child to bed, like, yeah! Cause it's your child! I do it a couple times a week. It's like, yeah! Like, I mean, did she give birth? Do we know? I guess she did because he got leave, right?

Yeah, yeah, I believe so. I mean, she's It's worded very oddly. Yeah, immigrants I don't know. I'm very unclear as to what's going on here. But like, as a parent, like You're both parents, regardless of who's working, because also, like, her role is keeping up the house, right? And then she has to parent on top of that, which is a full time, especially when you're sleep deprived.

So it makes sense, if he's seeing it as, like, a work role, which he's acting like it is, uh, That, yeah, I bet if she has a newborn, it's a little bit harder to keep up with the household chores and tasks. But [00:13:00] because you're constantly like when you have a baby that young, it's like you're changing diapers constantly.

You're cleaning up after things. You're doing nap time. Like they constantly need to be taken care of. It's a full time job, 24 seven. They literally depend on you for survival. So it's like you don't have the extra time that you used to have to like do all these other things. Yeah. My, my advice I always hated from people were like, uh, nap.

When she naps. Yeah, nap When she naps. But then also, but also that's your time to do stuff. So it's like you're, you're trying to get stuff done during that. The few, the little time you have, they nap a lot, but they also don't lap it all. , nap, all, it's, it's a weird thing. They sleep a lot when they're newborn.

Newborn. They sleep a lot, but then quickly they don't . No. And they're also like. watching them and taking care of it and make sure they're okay. Like there's, it's more to it than just like, Oh good, they're sleeping. Now I can just do whatever I want. And you look at this, you know, example specifically, [00:14:00] she had her parents there to help, or was it her parents or his parents?

It sounded like her parents. Okay. So she's now lost two additional people that were helping her. So undoubtedly she's having to adjust to that. And it's like, You agreed, she stays home, you, you do the work, right? And then it's like, you mutually agree to have a child together. Mm hmm. And then you're mad that she can't facilitate these two roles.

But you mutually have the child, so you should also be taking, that's, that's my opinion. Because like, if you're at work, you're not taking care of the baby, sure. But once you get home, because she's also working that whole time. Anybody who says staying at home mommy is not work, as someone who stayed at home for the first three years, was it three?

Oh God, maybe it was two. It was forever. Like I had no, like almost no help at all. No. The world's tiniest [00:15:00] violin. But, um, but it was brutal on my mental health. When my wife got home, I was like, thank God, please. It's hard on a marriage. And a lot of times too, because you are tired coming home from work and you're like, you're you, you're, but then it's, and so it's, you're both, it was always the weird, I remember that with our first child, especially that balance of like, um, The end of the day, you're both looking for relief and then you realize, Oh no.

Parenting is always, there's no, uh, and so I, but the, and the reality is though my stress, and this is not to downplay the stress of different jobs and hard work, et cetera, but it's a different type of stress where, uh, it's adult stress versus the. They're both adults. I'm trying to figure out the right way to say this.

Um, the, the, Taking care of a child is it's constant. It's 100 percent overbearing. Never. It's unrelenting. It's [00:16:00] unrelenting and it's like life or death. Yeah. Like if you make a mistake. Yes. That's going to happen. Uh, and so it's, it's a different type. So I always knew when I came home. regardless of how bad my day was, I had to mentally prepare myself that now this is, I, she, she needs a break.

She needs to have time away from this child that is, has been screaming in her face of the entire day. Well, it's that weird mentality of like, he's doing her a favor. Right? I even put the baby. Even did some of it. Cause the implications, I did some of her responsibilities. And that's the, I don't even understand, I don't know, maybe it's because I was raised by a single mom that I never saw the, the, I guess the, the bad gender role of, or the traditional gender role in that regard.

But like the, I've, I've worked. Basically two full time jobs for most of my kids life, um, lives. [00:17:00] Uh, and, uh, when I came home, I still cook most of our dinners. I still, you know, drive our kid. Like right now I'm still driving one of our kids to school. Is there two different schools right now? I, you know, I still do most of the, our finances for the house.

I still do, you know, put away groceries. I still, it's our, it's a shared bedtime routine every night at bedtime. Like all of that. So, cause that's what being a parent is nothing I'm doing. I do. Is it should not, it's, and I, and I'm going to be, it's, it's embarrassing that it's impressive, right? There's nothing I, I, I don't, I could do more.

Right. There's still, there's still more than I, I feel like I always feel like there's, there's more that I could be doing or should be doing regardless. And when I have like, could do to do stuff for work and I'm away, I feel terrible because I should feel terrible about it to an extent because it's hard.

You know, when you, and to be fair, you know, I have, I have. Two autistic children require a little bit more, uh, supervision and a little bit more, uh, [00:18:00] intense kind of like taking them to physical therapy and occupational therapy and things like that. Um, but it's, it, for, for any child, there's, there's, there's so much that goes into it that I can't imagine just coming home from your work and be thinking, well, uh, I was the one working all day.

Now it's time for you to get another child in addition to the child you were taking care of. Yeah. I mean, there's something really intense about a job that is 24, seven and never ends. Like, like people who. Like they, they never leave their work. Their work never stops. They are expected to do the same things 24 seven versus, you know, there is something to be said for, you know, this guy, probably what this guy wants, which is to work and then have a little downtime.

And. It's like, well, yeah, that probably would be great, but unfortunately you have a partner, or I guess fortunately, but, uh, you have a partner and a child. Like, it's so [00:19:00] bizarre to me how detached some men are from parenthood. Like, they don't see it as like, oh, this is my child who I want to raise and want to take care of and want to make sure their needs are fulfilled.

And instead they see it as a job, like a job, like an unemotional kind of like, oh, well, this is your thing and this is my thing. And. It's like no you're together. You are literally raising a person like you have to both be involved and for him to just kind of Have no empathy and no no emotion towards that like she's mad at me I'm like, she's probably really stressed cuz she had a baby like bro, like your hormones are probably off and like I can only imagine that the way he's talking about it, he has to be taught, you know, giving her subtle or maybe not so subtle cues about his, you know, his unhappiness, but the way the house is, and that it's, she's not cleaning enough, you know?

Cause he's like, yeah, do you think he, he cleaned everything and didn't say anything about it? Or was it a [00:20:00] show? Was it like, okay, well, you know what? I'm, I cleaned downstairs. I just want you to know I did assist and I will put your baby down tonight. Mm hmm. Oh, you know, it's always the vibe that they're the boss like like he's her boss and she's not doing enough Like they're not equals because that's not how you kind of react as a partner if you're equals and you see your partner struggling One would think you'd be like, oh, how can I help what's going on?

But the way he's talking about almost is like he's her boss Like I gave you this job and these are the requirements and you're not living up to it It's also the, the idea of as if there's, it's possible. And I know this is one of those things where you're only parents will understand, uh, where, but to, if it's, if it's even possible to fully comprehend what being a parent is like, and, and the change that no matter how many books you read, no matter how many nieces and nephews you have, no matter how many, whatever [00:21:00] things you do to prepare yourself.

I remember just being. so caught off guard by how much every aspect of our lives change. Yes. Um, even though I, I read that, I knew that you can't, you can't, it's experiencing it was such a surreal thing and it's hard to, like, it's, it's. That change really? Oh, yeah. Nothing. Nothing is the same ever again.

Like we are new. And so even if they had talked about, okay, well, you're going to do this and she was okay with it and then that's fine. Uh, at a time things change, right? Maybe that was what they discussed ahead of time and they realize, oh, actually. I can't do that. I'm not capable of doing what I thought I'd be able to do, and instead of resenting your partner over that, if you care about them, and if you are also a parent of your child, and invested in being a parent of your child, then [00:22:00] you have to adapt.

You have to change. You can't just be like, this was the contract! This is what you promised me! Legal document! Well, again, it's like, this is, what are we at, three months in? Because you said one month he had leave and then they stayed for two months, right? Yeah, three months in, yeah. It's like, God! Give her a second!

Jesus! Like, you haven't even given, like, I would, what do you think? Like, six months? Six months is when you get even close to a pattern or like, you know, get your bearings at all. You Yeah, you're not sleeping well at six months, but you're probably maybe sleeping a little bit better I my child does not still does not until your first sleep regression starts, right?

Yeah, I mean like just give her a break. It's only been three months and you're already like Excuse me, miss. You're not fulfilling your three months. I was still a zombie Right. I still was not, I barely was even, and I mentioned on a previous show that I, we both made the dumb mistake of like, we had to get up together every single time.

There were [00:23:00] no shifts. And so it was about three months when we realized that we're, we're going to die. Yeah, literally. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's, it's just like, It, it makes me very sad, like, just listening to the way that men talk about these things. And like, this is not an uncommon thing, you hear about this all the time, like, whether it's men, you know, in this case, she's not cleaning up the house, or maybe it's her, her appearance, she's not looking good enough, uh, which, I'll, I'll kill you.

I guess I can't say that on the podcast. I'm very upset. I, I will murder you. I mean, if, if I would ever throw hands, it would be, it would be at that. Um, but yeah, it's, it's just like, they're so detached and so unemotional. And it's like, it's like your partner is struggling. If your partner is unable to do basic care tasks, probably for themselves, I would imagine, you know, not just the house.

I would imagine she's [00:24:00] probably as most mothers of a three month old are struggling just to take care of themselves. Like instead of like having empathy for that, or like, like reaching out and saying like, Oh, how can I help her? Like, what can I do? She's really angry. Like, how can I. Again, looking at the timing that she just had a baby.

Like, I don't think it's okay to take anger out on your partner, but I think if you just had a baby, maybe we should look at the two bits of information and see how they correlate. She's not sleeping. Like the idea that so many men don't have any empathy for their partner who just gave birth. Cause guess who cooked the baby for, what is it?

Nine months? Uh, right. Not you. You didn't have to do that. That was a 24 7 shift, my guy. That she had to do that. You know what I mean? It's like, they just don't take these things into account and like they see their partner suffer and they [00:25:00] say, well, that makes my day worse. And that to me is insane. Cause my wife carried, so I, you know, I saw her struggle and I was constantly like, what can I do?

How do I make things better? How do I make it, should I draw a bath? Should I do that? Like, you know, and she gave me a foot massage. Can I give you another one? I'm rubbing backs. Thanks. I'm getting snacks. It, I can't even tell you how many, especially when she was pregnant, late night gas station trips to get chocolate, whatever, whatever.

I will get you those things. You know me, I will learn anything she needs. I'm like, I'll do it. Yes. I'll do it right now. Um, to this day, but it's like, I, I can't imagine like her, cause in, in that tradition, like, so I was primary caregiver and then my wife gave birth and then I, you know, took over the, once she went back to work, right?

Um, this poor woman had both. You're supposed to be primary and she just gave birth. So you're just like, Oh my God. [00:26:00] It's just like, again, I just don't understand looking at your partner that way, like as if they're an employee or a coworker, like having that little care. They're getting negativity from everyone too.

Uh, I remember seeing it from like, even like, I'll give you example, even of, uh, So, so in the mornings, I want my wife to have, like, time for herself, right? It's important to herself. Uh, but like, I want her to have, like, to, to, like, to have moments without kids. Just to, to shower and get ready. And just after the first, like two hours of every day, I take the kids downstairs, you know, get them dressed, get them bad for school, get this, get the stuff ready for it.

Um, and I remember there were times where like, people would be like, and it's always these weird backhanded compliments. Like, how do you like, the people would ask her, like, how do you get. How do you look nice in the morning, you know, before, uh, and the reality was, it was [00:27:00] because she had a partner that was supporting, that was doing the other, because she had a partner where she was, because other people would look at it.

It's so normalized that it's like, how do you do, how are you doing all that? I'm also doing everything in the morning with the kids because the question couldn't be, I mean, I literally, yeah. I had the most support supportive partner in the world and she was she's so supportive the second she gets home from work and she works full time she's up at 5 because she has to drive an hour and she's literally from the second she enters the door helping with my daughter and and Co parents from the second like look just the second she enters the door, right?

And like, I could not picture a more supportive partner and I struggled so hard, like mentally, physically, like it took, I feel like only just now am I any, do I resemble the person I once was before having kids? Um, which I would do it again. [00:28:00] Like I, I love my daughter. I would do it again, but that's just the nature of like, When you have a kid, it does change your whole life.

And like, nobody's ready for it. I certainly wasn't. And then it was COVID too, which made it worse. But, um, but I, but I know with the support that I had and then, you know, I like, I have that mom's page and like, I would just hear every single day, so many stories about husbands that do nothing, literally come home, don't want to do anything and are put out, like, like get the kids away from me.

I've had a long day. Oh, you haven't had the kids all day. Mm-Hmm, , your partner has like the, that was the whole, the whole, that whole bar solo series. Uh, I had for like, it, this whole playlist on, on Facebook. Oh, the bar solo on Facebook. On, uh, yeah, the bar solo. I thought you were saying bar solo. Like singular, like bar solo.

The bar is solo. Uh, but there, there was one guy, the, and it, I was not critiquing the guy. I thought, I actually thought it was a funny video. The, the, he had all these [00:29:00] viral hits of like, there were like thirst traps of him, like taking out the trash and doing, and it was, they were funny, funny, like he was not.

And like I said, this, and I had to be clear when I stitched it, I was like, I am not critiquing this guy. Uh, I think it's sad, but I think it's sad. That this is considered to be because you read the comments and people like that is though sexy though. He's he's doing the dishes Yeah, yeah, like oh my god I'm, like is it weird that i'm turned on by a guy taking out the trash like and that's so Beyond like what the fuck what is going on in your home?

Yeah, yeah, it's so normalized though. Like, you know It's people will talk about it online, but usually it's like commiserating, you know, and if you call stuff out, people get sensitive, you know, we've talked about this, but hey, don't talk about my husband like that. I'm like, you talked about it. It's just, it's like, It's just accepted in so many ways and societally [00:30:00] speaking, like, you know, just like golf, you know, guys go to golf on every, every Sunday to get away.

They need to get away for a couple hours. And like, you don't hear the, the woman's side of that or the primary caregiver who's not a man. Like you just don't, it's like, what is their escape? It's, it's so interesting. Cause I feel like, um, Mel Hamlet talks a lot about it. Like, uh, hobbies. And how men's hobbies like are like usually very expensive and get like the most time away from the family as possible.

And how there's not a reciprocal to that for, for women. And I'm like, damn, it's so true. Cause like so many women I know, like, It's shocking to get a night out. You know what I mean? And if they do get a night out, they're on call. I can't tell you the amount of times I've gone out and been with women whose husbands have their child or their multiple children and they're getting calls and texts, or even like, [00:31:00] I even had, this was not, this is, uh, you know, a casual acquaintance, friend of a friend.

And, uh, But she was like getting punished because she left the children with their father. He was basically like, you're going to pay for this when you get back. And she was discussing that she was upset about that. And that it ruined her night. Like, she was like, Oh, like this, you know, like before she left, he had said that kind of as she was leaving and she was like getting texts and like about everything that was going wrong.

And I was just like, What is this? Yeah. What is happening? You're not babysitting. They're your kid. She had multiple kids, but those are your kids. And this is one of the early, I don't, I haven't, I should probably bring up this series because there's so much to say on this, but it's embarrassing. Like it genuinely is embarrassing to, to like the, the guys that were like, well, the, their, their partner will have to [00:32:00] make these like detailed lists of.

Their teacher's names, their doctor's names, phone numbers to call, what to do in an emergency, what groceries you need to buy, what you need to pack them for lunch, how to make them breakfast, how to get their bath ready, what stories do they, like, they're so uninvolved. That makes me sad. All of that is just that something you need to be put it like my, my wife is going to, uh, she, every year I kind of like, uh, buy her like a trip, uh, as like a gift, uh, somewhere.

And, uh, she's going to visit her friend in, uh, Connecticut and they're going to a Broadway show and everything. She's going to be gone for. Yeah. And it was, I did it and she's doing it again this year, but she, she's going to be gone. And you know, she's going to leave me when she leaves a kiss goodbye, right?

That's going to be the necessity of it. But, and it's, And like, I feel, I wish we were talking because it feels like, look how great I am, but it's not great. That's yeah. I guess any woman said the exact same thing. Nobody would say it was great. Nobody would be like, wow, how impressive, you know, your [00:33:00] kids, doctor's name, you know, their, you know, their allergy is really weird.

It's impressive about it. It's, it's offensive. It's like where I take my kids to the doctor. They'll be like, do you, do you know what, like, they'll, they'll ask me stuff like, The way that they talk to me is so condescending and it's, and I'm not offended, but they're, I get why they're doing it, but it's very clear that they're expecting me to not know anything about my, my kids.

And it's so sad that it's so normalized that the basic act of parenting and guys will complain that the, Oh, the bar's not low. Women want X, Y, and Z and blah, blah, blah. But there that what. They're conflating the, how hard it is dating wise to like to, to hook up and meet somebody with how hard life is a longterm relationship and raising a family is, and it's such a, and it's also pretending that women, sorry, I'm going on a total rant right here, but it's also pretending that.

Women also have it [00:34:00] super duper easy in finding, uh, a man to, or a partner, we'll say, uh, today as if there's no rejection and, uh, all the other forms you can go into, uh, to dating someone, um, and also having to deal with so many douchebag guys that are going to enter the relationship, treating them like trash.

Yeah. Um, It's, it's, yeah, it's, it's really easy for a woman to find a guy to hook up with. Sure. We can say that. If a woman wants to sleep with a dude. Have sex. Yeah. Sure. That, that is, I would say that I think that is, that is a, I don't think that is a, uh, what's the word I'm looking for? A, a, uh. Hot take. A hot take to say that it's easier for a woman to find a guy to sleep with than it would be for a guy to the, that, but that is the, the, the, the, who cares?

I think that's also like how many women are lied to by men who want to sleep with them in order to sleep with them all the time. How many people, how many women are met with one guy, sleep with them and then get. The next morning, [00:35:00] a totally different guy. They think, well, women, women, that's what I want. I want a woman just to sleep with.

I got my thing. Bye. It's like, if that's not what you're seeking and kudos to you. If you're a woman watching this and you just want guys to hook up with, wonderful. That's your life. I don't care. That, that is beautiful. Uh, but if you're seeking a relationship. Yeah. Because of all of the dudes that I critique on my channel that you've critiqued on, you know, after this guy talking about this, there's so much misinformation, bad information and bad advice that is out there that I can't even fathom the minefield of trying to figure out who the hell this person is in front of you as a woman specifically, uh, in, in the dating scene that is out there.

It's crazy. I mean, There's so many liars now and cheaters. It's like, it's a, it's a nightmare out there. But I, I think it's interesting because like, I really do think that like, non straight couples. So whether that's like gay, lesbian or, you know, non binary, whatever, um, [00:36:00] really mess up like the the gender expectations and like what is seen as normal, because, you know, people will like even my own relationship, it's like.

No, we both do it. We both take care of each other. We both take care of the child. We both support each other. Like, and because there's, it's not man and women, like people act like that's the way it has to be. And because there's no assumed gender roles in our relationship, we do it all. We're, we try and do as much as we can 50, 50.

And like, you know, a lot of non straight couples are proof of like, no, it doesn't have to be that way actually. We like. The, the person who's going to work, which, you know, it's stereotypically would be the guy, even though nowadays, that's a crazy part. Nowadays, everybody's working, like, it's crazy, like, because so many, like, stay at home moms or whatever, are working or have a side gig or have something, it's like, [00:37:00] it's so rare for anybody to have, like, one partner not working, and so, it's like, it's so rare That's not even, that's not even realistic anymore.

So even that example, it's like, it's annoying. Cause you're like, that doesn't happen. Um, but it's like, there's so much that we were taught is normal. And now I think because we're seeing different versions of what a couple can look like, proving like, no, there doesn't have to be a dominant someone who works and someone who caretakes.

And that's it. Like there can be crossover and you can help each other. And that's not just the way it is. That's the way you're choosing to be. And I think bad, toxic men have gotten a wave that for so long convincing women like, Oh, well, that's just how it is. Men can't do the laundry. You know that. Right.

I get a lot of guys that are really, I think part of what pisses them off is that my relationship does actually embody a lot of traditional gender norms. Right? Like, [00:38:00] my wife, Is a stay at home mom, right? I am the primary, the breadwinner of our house. I am work. I am doing blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I am a very, I'm a, I'm, I'm a, I'm a six foot five man.

Right? Here we go again. I had to bring it up again. If I just, but like it, I embody. I have, and it's just a new thing is like, there's, there's, I've seen videos of like, I have a social media presence, right? I have like something of value to offer, right? I, I'm a high value man, right? And so, I'm going to spray you with water.

You better knock it off. No, but the, the, the point is like, Yeah, the even though I am, it's possible to do by their standards to do the things that they think makes a good man and still also value your partner's time, be an active parent, be involved in and as equal to the [00:39:00] person that you were with and not treat them like property and not believe that, uh, and, and to not, to not control every aspect of their life.

Right. That that's, that it's possible that you can still have some of them. Now, our relationship was not like it was, we didn't set out where I was, I would be the worker and she would be at home. Yeah, it just happened that, uh, in that way because of, uh, her own choices that she has made in her life, but it was never a, uh, I think that was set out that way yet.

It's hard for them to see. Well, why would you be okay then you're the one you're the one doing this sort of thing Why would you be okay with her not doing it? Like because it's I'm a human she's a human We have a family together she works just as hard I have never once in our relationship felt like I work harder than her right Never once have I been like I'm the wire.

Why is she not pulling her weight in our home, right? Can I say something? And [00:40:00] then you say, no, and then I say it anyways, just to that point, yes, you normally do know. I know it's my dad joke, and then I go, fine. And then I just say, anyways, uh, so we'll skip past that. Um, but I, one of the things I, I, Like a, a, a sentiment that I love is, is, um, how like misogyny, one of its greatest tricks was convincing themselves and women that care taking tasks are the easier roles because bullshit care taking tasks are so incredibly challenging, like a caregiving rules are so incredibly challenging.

Taxing, having to be on, having someone needing of you that is dependent on you, like, it is, as someone who has just become a parent, I'm like, holy shit. And the amount of emotional regulation it takes to do it, without, like, [00:41:00] because, You have to get your, like, keep your shit together no matter what's happening because you don't want to take your emotions out on the child.

You want to show them what it means. You're trying to teach them empathy. You're trying to mold them into the wonderful person that they are and implement, like, values and morals. Like, that takes so much. And to raise a child and it's, like, where they feel fully supported and, like, emotionally and physically, like, it is so hard to do.

And yet, So many men think like, Oh, well, that's easy job. All she has to do is eat bonbons and watch a baby. It's like, are you fucking kidding? Give, give those men their kid for two hours and watch them unravel because they will be screaming at babies. Like it's insane. Yeah. The other aspect of it is parenting is really easy.

If you don't give a fuck. If you, if you, if you don't care about your kids, if you don't [00:42:00] mind it being shitty, right? If you, if you don't actually have any investment in them being a good human being, then yeah, it's, I mean, it's, I wouldn't say it's easy, but it's, you could have an easier time keeping them alive.

Like, if your only thing you're worried about is keeping them alive yet, even then you see all these like videos of moms that leave their, their kids alone with them. And it's the dad falls asleep. There was one where the, the toddler, like it was, I don't even know if you could count this as a toddler. I think it was a baby that could kind of toddle, um, toddling, but not toddler, uh, and got the hot coffee.

And luckily didn't burn themselves, but had pulled the cup in the door like whoops like fall asleep with a newborn Or or you the weaponized incompetence the videos were like the mom's trying to shower And they just hand him the baby because and the baby's screaming the whole shower I will tell you what there's nothing worse than trying to shower and your child is screaming Oh, yeah, I've had that happen a couple times Even though my wife was really trying to stop it from [00:43:00] happening.

Like, because you just, it's like, you can't get away from it. And like, oh my God, it's just, it's insane. Like, again, I, I truly believe, like, because I believe men are capable of so much, as I believe every gender is, I absolutely think it's weaponized incompetence when they do shit like that. Like, you, you don't know, you can't fall asleep with a newborn.

Right. What are you talking about? I babysat my kids for three hours, slept the entire time. It was great. This is so easy. Why don't you do this every single time? The house is just a train wreck. Those videos where they come home to that, the mom's been gone and comes home and their house is destroyed.

Yeah, it was like the, uh, my, my wife was sick, uh, earlier this week and, uh, I went upstairs to take a shower. And, uh, of course the kids are like, here's our chance. And so when I came back downstairs, Oh my, it was just like destroyed everything. But [00:44:00] because, and because it's one of those things where that, and that's what happens.

It's basically like, like a dad watch an uninvolved Father watching their kid is like a parent that has the flu. They cannot do it. And that's what happens to it. And then who ends up and luckily, once again, in a, if, if this was a traditional household, I'd come down and be like, well, you got a lot of work to do.

You got a lot of work to do. Come on. When that fever goes. This is what you have, man. I'm sorry. This is going to be a pain in the butt to clean up when you're vet, when you're better, but I'm, I'm supportive. So you're allowed to wait three days to clean. The woman who, uh, she was upstairs. I think she had COVID.

I think she and her kid had COVID I'm 90 percent sure. Cause they were quarantining, which usually you only do that. If it's that, and the husband was downstairs. No kid, no child, just him. She came down and there were dishes everywhere. There's a video of her cleaning it. [00:45:00] There was mold, like literally mold all throughout all the dishes.

Cause he's just like, well, I guess I'm a bachelor now. You know, it's like you washed a dish before you were married. Unless mommy took care of you, you did your own dishes. You, these are, these are not things. These are things just to take care of yourself and your home. These are your items. You can clean up after yourself.

And he literally did nothing and let things, she said she came down and it stunk and he was just like middle. That's a middle finger for sure. Yeah. And it's just like. What the hell? I can't imagine. Yeah, it's not even like, uh, it, it, it's a, a very specific niche skill that like, Hey, how do I do this? Or not even a niche skill, but like, say if it's something like, I didn't know how to, how to patch a hole in the, in their pants.

'cause I, maybe that's their skill that I, it's everyone should. I use a basic needle, but like in [00:46:00] general, maybe it's like, all right, let's, I wouldn't be that. Well, I, I'm not, I don't know how to, I don't know how to sew. I don't knowm, so, but I'm sure I could patch, I'm sure I could patch a bowl. Sure, sure, sure.

Like I, I've used a, a, I, at least I would try, right? Yeah. If, if it was a situation that attempted where I'm like, crap, we need to fix this up. I, I wouldn't be like. Yeah. Um, but like in general, like if it's there, if it's the, you know how to do dishes, you know how to wash clothes, right? You know how to do certain things.

Um, and, and it's, it's, it's beyond weaponizing competence. It's like I said, it's in, I go back to, it's insulting that somehow saying that men are capable of doing more is, is the controversial. I know. It's controversial. I get yelled at. It means that they're going to have to do those things. It's literally like when I, people claim, per my nickname for this podcast, that I hate men because I believe men are capable of more.

Which I think is crazy. So [00:47:00] women can't do anything wrong then? I'm not talking about women right now. Stop, stop strawmanning me. Leave it. It's like, it's so bullshit. I've just started to, when people do that, I'm like, no, because they're literally, they're just trying to pull away from like, they're trying to strawman you into a Completely separate argument that you feel like you need to argue because they know that they're wrong.

If they didn't know they were wrong, they, they would be able to fight the topic at hand. They're constantly trying to distract or detract, whatever. It's just like, if you knew you were in the right, you could have, like, if I'm in the right, I can argue with someone. If I know I'm not right, if I've realized my arguing is wrong, then you may sidetrack, right?

Because like, shit, I've like, you know, I get fights with my wife randomly. I'll say something crabby and she'll react and I'm like, oh, okay, then I'm wrong. And then you panic, try and bring something else in. And then you're like, just kidding. No, I'm wrong. I'm just wrong. I gotta be honest with you. I was just crabby five minutes ago.

Um, but [00:48:00] it's like, that's what you do when you know, you're not, you know, Your argument doesn't have solid, solid footing. And so I noticed if I remember in a situation like that, you're right, though. When I noticed that I'm like, my only response is to say, well, what about that? I'm like, I'm fucking wrong.

That's only like, if someone's blatantly disregarding something like, you know, like. Like acting like something else doesn't exist. You're like, okay, well, what about, but it is, what about ISM? There's literally a term for it. When you're just like the thing about what about ISM though, is it's not people pretend like it's always 100 percent wrong to, to say what about, but like there, there is a time, especially when you're pointing out hypocrisy, uh, that where it is, it is, uh, Applicable, but it's not, I don't think it's what about ism then I think no, it's, I think it only applies to when it's, yeah, there are absolutely valid [00:49:00] reasons to say what about blank?

Like, like if someone's making a bold statement and you're like, well, what about this example where that's not true? That is a hundred percent valid. I think what about ism only applies when you're just like completely derailing something The uh, it's like well, I I don't like changing diapers. Yeah. Well, I what about when I had to change our tires exactly well Uh, you never helped me with household chores.

Well, what about when i'm on the roof and it's always did you ask her? Did you ask? Did you ask for her help? Right. No. Like they never do. They never want, like, they don't, it's the craziest part is they like don't want that combined effort. But they want, it's just like dude, and let's, if you look at like how often, how often did you work on the roof?

And how often do you need to do dishes? It's always the, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Got it. Mm hmm. [00:50:00] Sons of guns, Chesco. I'll tell ya. I should, we should say, uh, for the sake of anyone that is watching this that is considering having children, parenting is, there are positives. I, you know what though, like, here's my thing, I, I love parenting.

I love being a mom, I love being an aunt, like, I love kids in general, um, but I do, I think. Acknowledging the reality of it. Well, I don't think people are realistic. Like, if I didn't want kids a hundred percent, I would not want to have them. Like it is, it is really hard and it's hard on you mentally. And like, you know, it's a lot of stress and you want to make sure again, you're like raising this, this person and giving them what they need and supporting them and all the ways that they should be supported and deserve to be supported.

That's rough. And I, I think there's so much, so much content out there completely disregarding all of the struggles of parenting that are just like, Hi, I'm going to build a rocking horse for [00:51:00] baby Juniper. Like, and that's great. You know what, if you're doing that, that's great. But I do think it's disingenuine to not acknowledge the struggles of parenthood and like, I still would be a parent.

I could, I could watch any video about any struggle and I would still choose to be a parent and I'm glad I am. It's the best thing that ever happened to me. But there are people who maybe didn't know how bad, how hard it was going to be and maybe didn't know. That's the other thing is like, These dudes taking it full circle, um, like guys like that rarely ever are honest about being a parent because they say they want to be a dad, but they want to have the title of dad and the status of dad, but they don't want to have the responsibility.

And that's the other thing is like making sure when you partner with someone, like, make sure what it means to them to be a dad. Or a mom, whatever, or a parent, make sure, because like, they may say they want to be a dad, but they're going to be like, well I [00:52:00] helped you by getting up, as you said, a couple nights, it's like, then they don't really want to be a parent, they want to assist you in parenting.

I feel like the hardest part, at least based on what I, this is me. I don't want to be careful to speak for women. Um, well, the hardest thing I talked about, I know, uh, as I'm talking to the, and you can confirm or deny from what I pick up from my comment sections, it feels like a lot of times, uh, you know, uh, that the hardest part is you go into.

having babies, assuming you're going to have a supportive partner, or you read about all these books about what it's like going to be as you're raising it as together with another human being, and then understanding that none of those books apply to the fact when you are end up having to then also mother your, your partner versus the complaint you hear from all these fucking dude online about it is, is always about [00:53:00] how she is not giving him what she used to give.

She's not able to be the wife to him that he had before the baby. Uh, and so, and they, and they think that's somehow the same argument, like, Oh, we both have complaints as, but they don't see that. It's not where that focus is, is, uh, why that's a problem. Why that's a problematic take to have. Yeah. It's like the woman is complaining because And again, this is kind of broad stroking, very broad strokes, very gendered.

Um, but from the hetero couples that I hear from, the woman is complaining for lack of support for raising their child. And the man is complaining because he doesn't get the fun stuff he got before. It's like he, the, a lot of men, toxic men, I'll use your thing where you, like, There we go. Bad dudes, right, that are, are unsupportive men are [00:54:00] angry that they have a competitor.

That now, now that this is, this is the competition. It's gross. It's really weird. It's true though. They, they genuinely, they genuinely get upset about that. I've heard, I'm like, it's a baby. It's your baby. Uh, but yeah, I, I mean, and, and again, I think it shows you. The idea with these toxic men is like they expect your life to change entirely.

Right. Like, like, for example, this, like this guy's like, you're going to take on the baby. You're going to do all of that. Right. Which again, changes your entire life. But they don't expect their life to change at all, and if their life has changed, and that could be in the sense of even just like being a parent, which is super weird, like they didn't know they were going to be a parent when they became a parent, but also in partnership, like if, if you're giving any less, if you're not doing your makeup as much, if you gain weight, like they don't want any less [00:55:00] of their life, their life, they don't want it to change.

At all or else they're frustrated and yet they expect women to completely change everything with a smile and that's insane like this guy, he he's like wait having a baby like again, like All of your you're doing you are doing the same Amount of roles you are doing your job. That is what you think you should do You she's still doing trying to do her job now with everything else that comes with being a parent Of course like Of course it's going to change things up for, of course, her coping mechanisms are going to fail.

Her structure is going to change. She's not going to have time to do the laundry and the dishes like she did before. She's clearly sleeping less because you're saying she used to sleep till 12. So her sleep schedule is screwed. She's going to be completely overwhelmed. And he's like, We agreed though. We agreed that my [00:56:00] job was to work from eight to six and you do everything else.

Love life now, hate life later. But it just showcases the expectation that his life was not going to change. And that he wasn't going to be asked to do more. And that's the crazy part. And I think that's often what's expected is that a woman should give everything to motherhood. And a guy is just going to kind of clock in every now and again.

And if he does, he should get rewarded. Right. I get to live my life exactly the same. It should have very little repercussions on my life. Yes. This is your baby that I am gifting you. You're welcome. You're well, and I'm, I'm a little upset. I don't remember getting a thank you. I didn't even get a card from you.

I, I actually had one time, my friend, she's not with this guy anymore. She, um, This was like when she was delivering, like she was going into labor and I texted her now ex, who I hate and bad dude. And he was like, thank [00:57:00] you for texting me. Nobody's even been texting me. No one's checking up on me. And I was like, bro, there was a, I don't know if it was a tweet or a thread or a through, uh, there that somebody I, I like to use the word through for past term thread.

It hasn't caught on. Um, I see why . Yeah. See. But, uh, somebody tweeted like, uh, it was something like, uh, notice how nobody ever asked how the father is doing after the baby is born. Cause everyone is his mother and daughter doing fine. And somebody responded. Yeah. Cause dads don't sometimes die during birth.

It's like, yeah, that's why the mother and baby are doing fine. Their lives were literally in danger. There was a non zero chance that one of them wouldn't make it. That's why you say the mother and the baby are doing well. I don't give a fuck of the father. Did the father slip in the hospital? Is that what we're worried about now?[00:58:00]

Can you imagine watching your wife give birth and being like, I'm not getting enough attention. Why isn't nobody asking how I'm handling this? Where's my heart rate monitor? You know, yeah. No one's giving me a compress. Could I get some ice chips too? I would, that seem, those look good. Are those good? Uh, there are people that did, there was a story of a, somebody kicked their partner out of their bed and was in their bed.

Watching the TV and the nurses intervened and I believe it was a C section. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways. I think. I think. Jesco rejects that completely. I don't even. You're like, I can't speak. I don't. I hate everyone. I think. In the end, and this is something that's important. , I, I just loved all the preface that went into that.

I know what to say. I, in the end, I'm so, I'm so disappointed. Like I'm, I'm so disappointed in my [00:59:00] gender. Get it together guys. Come on. Well, 'cause it's, and I think it's, it is, it's a, a conversation that's uncomfortable that people need to have though, before deciding to have a family. A hundred percent ask.

Is what, what is it, what is our life going to look like afterwards? Do you change diapers? Do you get, will you get up in the middle of the night? Whose job is it to do this? Will you do feedings? Like, like if the baby has colic, like for example, my wife, uh, my daughter had like colic stomach problems, so she would nurse and then I'd have to hold her up for 20 minutes.

Throughout the night and stay awake just sit straight up and like will they do that for you like ask them the questions Like I think men, you know toxic men can lie about that, but often they you'll get a reaction. You'll be like What? Oh, yeah. I'm not doing that. There are there are a lot of married single moms out there.

Uh, and that's that's a important thing that that you, [01:00:00] I don't think, at least in my experience, people aren't signing up to be single parents when you're in it, like as a, as a child of a single parent and seeing what she went through. I don't see, I mean, there is a difference. I'm not going to say it's obviously it's extremely difficult.

I can't even. Not having a partner to, uh, to be able to do the, to balance our schedule with and do everything together with, um, but the, it's the, the fact that so many people, uh, are, are having to fulfill a very similar role. I don't want to say they're the same role, a very similar role though. Being in a marriage is, is ridiculous and it's sad and it's too fucking common.

Yeah. Um, But here we are. I agree. Well, uh, to cap it all off, uh, yes, he is the asshole, I think is the sum of it. Yes. Agreed. Not me. Well. Not about this. Not about this. Alright, friends. Well, thank you for joining us. [01:01:00] As always, don't forget we have the Patreon, where we do the pre show every single week. It's unhinged.

We're unwell. It's fine. This week we might have to cut out some of it. I know. Yeah. Uh, and then we have our socials, so check out all the links that'll be underneath this episode. Anything else, Jesco? And remember, to always, Why do you always put my tagline in this episode? We need a tagline for our, we need to have one for our show at the end.

Okay. We need to think of one. I thought ours was just, Bye! Yeah, I'm going to guess. All right, well, we're going to tag it. Oh, let us know if you have a tagline idea. If we find a good one, we will. Absolutely. If you're still listening, you're one of our actual hardcore listeners. So if you're still listening to us at this point, help us figure out an ending, a tagline to the show other than bye.

Well, also [01:02:00] bye. Bye.