Julia 0:02 Maybe around 2:33am found me in the street. And we're just curious as to what the hell who is woman and why she? Why is she lying here?

Caitlin Van Mol 0:13 Julia qualm. Leah and I have known each other for over a decade. We met when I was in grad school in New York, and Juliet was working at a bar nearby. She was and is an actor and musician. And in 2011, when we met, she was working in the service industry to make ends meet. We lost touch, but followed each other on Instagram. So I knew she was getting traction in her music career.

Julia 0:40 In 2017, I'd gone on an international tour with this band called the radio department, Swedish band. But that was that tour was the greatest experience of my life. And so imagine coming back from the greatest experience of your life and going back to work in a restaurant, like, you know, if I had a chip on my shoulder before about going to college and studying economics, I had an even bigger one because I was able to do what I actually want to do with my life. And, but so I knew I was just like, in a very, like, a dark place. And I started to make moves. And and I think I just started applying for like, whatever sort of jobs like having not worked in any sort of office setting for my graduating university, it was harder for me to kind of find my entry point. And I got hired at this advertising agency called giant spoon to be their office manager support the EA, and also had another offer to I think, support some fashion person and they're gonna pay me like, way more money than like giant spoon was offering but transparent, not health insurance, so.

Caitlin Van Mol 1:54 So Julia took the job with a lower paycheck and health insurance. She was in a routine with steady income, and had no reason to believe Saturday, January 12 2019, would be any different than any other Saturday.

Julia 2:11 It was just another like, weekend, like I had planned to have brunch with my friend Marina who I hadn't seen in 1000 years. And then after that, I had my French class, which was in Queens and received a text from a friend that they're having, they're going away party, and I just like, I completely forgot about it. To be honest, I just completely forgot. I decided to go to the party and, and I ended up seeing a bunch of old friends that I hadn't seen in a while. No is like lovely and joyous. Like a good night, you know, I decided that I wanted to, didn't want to take the train home. I'm gonna take a cab, you know, living Luxe life at a new advertising job. Which wasn't luck, but you know, I felt like

Caitlin Van Mol 3:01 the party was in the Meatpacking District of New York City. And Julia was going to her apartment in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn, a trip that would cost around $40 depending on traffic. It was around 1230 or 1am. When they got to Julia's apartment,

Julia 3:17 I'm about to pay and I am attempting to swipe my card and he's like, no, no, I want cash. Cash card so I swipe my card and it declines and you know that trepidation of one your cards declining, you're like what the hell like I, you know, I have money or I thought I did. And so I checked my my little Chase app, and I'm like, Okay, well, yeah, I just got paid. So I do have money. And I swipe again, still to clients, so I have a different card that declines to and at this point, I'm trying to like show him and prove him that like Hey, I got a look at my look. Look at the little Sam trying

Caitlin Van Mol 3:57 to like, scam you out of a cab right here like trying to pay you it's just letting me Yeah,

Julia 4:02 like we can go to the bank. We can we can do whatever I can pull it out for you.

Caitlin Van Mol 4:08 As Julia was swiping through her cards, the cab door was open. And even though Juliet was very willing to go get cash out from an ATM to pay for the ride, the driver made a different decision. And

Julia 4:22 you know at that moment, I guess it was advantageous for him to go zero to 100 with the sliding door of the calf open and I fell out

Caitlin Van Mol 4:38 this is live to tell the podcast where I talk to some of the bravest people who have been through the most horrifying things and lived to tell the tale. I'm Caitlin van mol the sudden increase in speed through Julia from the cab she He doesn't remember anything, but has seen video from a security camera on the street. What was it like seeing that for the first time?

Julia 5:08 Awful, awful, just the speed of it all the quickness of it all the sort of agony of anything like that happening to anybody, you know, like the trepidation. You know, like, I didn't have time to feel any fear because it, it literally was so quick.

Caitlin Van Mol 5:26 The Fall knocked her unconscious, and the cab driver sped away. Julia was left lying there in the street, knocked out.

Julia 5:36 I am imagining there that I was there for like, maybe an hour or two. Because I think someone was driving home from somewhere in the neighborhood and maybe around 2:33am found me in the street. And we're just curious as to what the hell who's with Who is this woman? And why is she? Why is she lying here? And thankfully called the cops who came and took me to New York Presbyterian.

Caitlin Van Mol 6:04 Juliet was in a coma for seven days. Do you remember feeling your body when you were in the coma at all?

Julia 6:12 Well, that is a great question. No, I remember feeling just very warm. Because like I said, I felt like I was in a very comfortable bed a very comfortable sleep a very comfortable repose, I suppose. I mean, thank God for drugs, but like, you know, I had no real idea of what was going on, except for subconsciously, I think, because there's an element, where I just I just kept thinking I was in, I was watching a TV show, like the best TV show ever, but the main character just kept dying, you know, and I just an in this show, it was just, like, so annoying that she was doing that. So then for whatever reason, I decided to jump into the television set, and save her, you know, and over and over and over again, I would do this until at some point, she was like, You need to stop and go live your own life. And, again, I'm watching the show, I see her do the same mistakes. So I jump in the show again. But instead, she pushes me off a cliff. And, you know, in my visual, I sort of have it, it's like, I'm somehow out of the ocean. But I have all this, like, you know, it's the oceans, there's probably plastic on the stuff that's just on me, and, and I bring myself to shore. This, to me feels like my experience of like, this coma. I don't think every day I was like, Oh, wow, let's make it. You know. I don't think every day I was like, I've got to pull myself out of this. And I think I needed to subconsciously save myself. And really, like, push myself off the ledge to just come out of this thing.

Caitlin Van Mol 8:04 What is your first recollection after like waking up?

Julia 8:09 Well, I do remember the first thought I had to myself was like, God, I have to finish my record. Because I was in the process of that's all I cared about.

Caitlin Van Mol 8:23 But waking up was also extremely disorienting.

Julia 8:27 Waking up and, and not knowing where I was, right. I mean, and all these wires and things strapped to me, I think at the time I woke up as an MRI machine. So I'm looking at this vehicle around me and I'm just like, so I tried to escape because naturally that's just my fight or flight or both, you know, all of it. Yeah, in terms of realizing what was really going down, I was able to see things. So I could see I was in this ICU, I could see people around me crying. You know, I could see a doctor sort of like freaking out when anything would be and I could just see the chaos and I could see myself being in the middle of it. No one's trying to sort of ruffle any feathers while you're in that state either. So I don't think anyone was like obviously like oh hey Julia, you know and having to like,

Caitlin Van Mol 9:21 so it wasn't hard for Julia to figure out her most intense injury.

Julia 9:25 I knew my my foot my right foot was essentially severed. Like that's, that's just it is what it is like you know and I I know that was their main concern. The hospital's main concern was like getting the right plastic surgeon to really come in and like do aggressive work to connect the nerves that were severed down there and get things back to basics and I know I did not feel this because they hooked it up with a ton of fentanyl and If I had felt this, I don't know that I would mentally be okay. But

Caitlin Van Mol 10:05 they obviously couldn't keep her on fentanyl forever.

Julia 10:08 What I did start to feel was, you know, when they take you off fentanyl, and they downgrade you to morphine, and you're like, This is not as good. And then they do an even worse thing. And they downgrade you from morphine, to Tylenol, thinking that's gonna do anything. Like, oh, my god and kill me like, What? What is this, you know, and so you do start to feel things and you start to realize that your body is slightly atrophying because he was lying in a bed. As Julia

Caitlin Van Mol 10:39 could feel more and more of her body, she became aware of an injury the doctors had missed.

Julia 10:45 But I think very soon on, when everyone was sort of calming down about my foot, I started to realize that I could not feel my arm. And it wasn't because of drugs. It wasn't because of any of that stuff. It was just like, I could not feel it. It was not moving. I of course, wasn't conscious that it wasn't moving, because I'm just lying in a bed. So everything sort of was the same. But I kept telling people, okay, this, this shouldn't be, why is my arm not moving? You know? And no one had an answer. They all thought it was just gonna come back or there was no real deep sea dive into it. And I just kept persisting and saying, like, listen, I arms not moving. Like, how do we fix this? What needs to happen?

Caitlin Van Mol 11:30 Julia had to keep advocating for herself, even with a weight of healing already on her.

Julia 11:36 Yeah, it sucks. But at the same time, no one else is going to do it for you. Because you're the only one that's lying there that can tell what's happening to you internally, you know, or at least I know, I'm in tuned enough to know that something's off. And it's, it's the situation you're in is already stressful. Waking up at five for some shot or for someone to draw blood from your arm and, you know, never really sleeping, but I am constantly wondering when you're gonna go to bed and wondering if your, your neighbor next door is gonna stop crying. And if you know, if you're in as much pain as they are, like, you just start playing all these like mind games with yourself. Julia

Caitlin Van Mol 12:18 struggled with feeling like this terrible thing that happened to her should be what everyone in her life was focusing on. Of

Julia 12:26 course, this thing happens to me, right? So I'm like, wow, my life is awful. This is the worst thing that's ever happened. Everyone should feel bad for me. Because I can't believe I'm in this situation. Why? Why me? What did I do? What do the gods have against me? You know, everything becomes about you. And I'm already an actor. So like, like, everything just becomes about you. But then I also realized that I was like, Okay, fine. Other people have lives, I guess, you forget that you're part of their world, but you're not their entire world. And you can't help but feeling that you shouldn't be everyone's world because I'm here lying in a bed by myself. Why should why? You know? And I interest and I think alike in some ways. Because of, you need to have that kind of focus and narcissism on yourself. You're gonna heal. But at the same time, like, I did lose friends as a result of that, because, you know, it wasn't like they could call me and be like, Hey, what's up? What's going on? Oh, yeah, still lying here. Skies, gray. I don't know what it feels like outside.

Caitlin Van Mol 13:43 Julia had to go through intense physical therapy for her foot and continue to try to get someone to take her arm injury seriously. That

Julia 13:53 was really, really, really aggravating. Maybe I'm naive. You know, I've never really been in a hospital for anything serious. So I just assumed like, Well, you tell them something's wrong. They're gonna fix it. Right? Not not all this like third degree questioning of like, what's really wrong? Like everyone's asking you like, Well, are you sure you this? Are you that could be this. And I know, the man who worked on my foot plastic surgeon, Dr. Finney, George elephant. He's focused on my foot as he should be like, That's was his main thing. And I needed everyone else, to kind of get themselves together to start to deduce what was going on with my arm, and then eventually move me to a nursing home. So imagine 33 A nursing home like my life was made.

Caitlin Van Mol 14:43 As aggravating as she found the constant poking and prodding and waking up at the hospital. The nursing home was worse.

Julia 14:51 I would just get so angry in the nursing home when some of the nurses were flippant about what time they were going to bring people their medications. And so if you're in a hospital, you're used to being like, regimented on the clock. Five 5am. And, and those nurses, I mean, everyone works their ass off, if they're doing this kind of stuff, this kind of work, but nursing homes a little so I get it, people have lives and things like that. But when you're lying in a bed, waiting to not feel the agony of your nerves, like burning, because it's raining outside, like, literally rain would cause us all to like, like writhing in pain. I wasn't willing to sit there and just and say nothing about I was like, I was like, You guys need to get on this.

Caitlin Van Mol 15:42 How did you deal with the anger? What did you do with that?

Julia 15:47 still dealing with it? Also, I think that that period of time, I think I was like internalizing it for myself. For other people. I was like, able to be like rawr, you know? And when doctors wouldn't listen to me, I'd also roar, but like, the actual, like, rage that I was constantly feeling at this entire situation. I think that was actually what was killing me if I'm being honest with you, like I'd survived something to only sort of internally kill myself because I just didn't. I was in denial as an alarm denial. Because a lot of pain. I was at that point blaming myself to and I know my mind at that point, which is telling me like, this is awful. Why didn't Why did you survive this? Like, what is going on? You're never gonna heal your arms never gonna move. You're never gonna walk like all this stuff. I was believing it because I was saying it. So I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to do my occupational therapy, because it hurt. I didn't want to use a walker. I didn't want to use a wheelchair. Because why should I even bother? You know?

Caitlin Van Mol 16:56 Julia needed something, anything to help with the despair that her life had totally been derailed.

Julia 17:05 I think it was when my friend Marsha came to the nursing home and she saw that I was in my like, dark Scorpio mental state. And she was like, alright, you need to watch this documentary called healing. And I think that's probably what flipped the switch for me this documentary. Because not only are you listening to people who have gone through something, but it's it's not the same something like all it's like whether they had cancer, whether they had car accident and thromb but the woman who's sort of leading the documentary is speaking to different people and how one one approach is healing. And what what what you have to do as the person dealing with the injuries and all this other stuff like it is mental. And I knew that I needed to change my my focus and my mentality about whether I was going to heal or not because that was going to be the difference. As

Caitlin Van Mol 17:58 she was shifting her mindset from feeling completely defeated to being determined to heal. Julia also finally encountered doctors that had answers about her arm,

Julia 18:10 and I am doing patient therapy with them. But these two doctors were just so like, they'd seen everything. You know, they deal with all people dealing with nerve damage all the time. And so they were the ones that first put me on to the idea of like, you might have a brachial plexus injury, Julia

Caitlin Van Mol 18:28 finally had an answer. According to Johns Hopkins, the brachial plexus is a network of nerves in the shoulder. It carries movement and sensory signals from the spinal cord out to the arms and hands. Julia's injury disrupted the signals. So she lost the use of her arm. And

Julia 18:49 I had Avulsed to spinal cord, C six and C seven, I believe. And so those two in particular meant that my arm was just shot, you know, like, like, it wasn't connected to anything. When

Caitlin Van Mol 19:05 they told you we think it's this thing where you like, how did no one see this before? Yeah,

Julia 19:12 I am. I was pissed. And the thing that really made me so angry is at the at the nursing home, they told me you have a window of time to get surgery to get this thing healed. But you can't do the surgery before a three month window and you can't do it after a six month window and I was right there. Between three and four ish before anyone really eliminated me to anything. I think when I was just realizing that like being in a nursing home was gonna help me get any better. And I just I checked myself out.

Caitlin Van Mol 19:47 Leaving the nursing home meant she could track down the care she needed for her brachial plexus injury. But it also meant she had to go back home without any nurses or attendants. To help her with her daily needs,

Julia 20:01 I needed to do that. So I could get myself together and get what I needed to get to fix the problems that I was having. And so I found another occupational therapist at hand therapy. And thank God for her because she was like, um, you can't sit around wait with this. And this is like my second week of seeing her. And she's like, Yeah, you did get the surgery. So she made a call to her friends at HSS.

Caitlin Van Mol 20:28 That's the Hospital for Special Surgery in New York.

Julia 20:31 The best in sort of hand, has nerve, whatever. Surgeries is Dr. Steven Lee at HSS. And he's the one that literally saw me, he was like, Alright, let's do this ASAP. We got it done in June. And they got because if it weren't for that surgery, if it weren't for all these people that were, you know, having any sort of vision boards on momentum, action, I would have basically an incapable arm.

Caitlin Van Mol 21:01 The police had started investigating what happened to Julia immediately after she was found. And they found the cab driver within days. But with Julia in a coma, they weren't able to interview her. And that interview was key to actually arresting him. I

Julia 21:18 am a little conflicted with this one. Because on one level, that call that my neighbor made to the cops is what saved my life. But it was like everything after the fact, just seems a bit stupid. It's like, you're in this coma or whatever. And so they catch the guy, right? But they let him go, because they can't get a word for me about what happened. Because guess what, I'm not conscious. And then even after that, it's like, it's not the kind of case that anyone really wanted to deal with. So I feel like I just kept getting just shuffled around in the mix. You know, I mean, I guess they're, perhaps worse criminals. And it's smart, when you're the only one that's kind of like, hey, let's do something. Everyone's like, Okay, well, you know, I gotta finish this paperwork and the Sanjana thing and make sure you sent

Caitlin Van Mol 22:12 that you're also dealing with all of your injuries and injuries,

Julia 22:16 money, you know, people, like losing friends, you know, relax, you know, just everything all at once. So I think I actually just sort of kept my distance from the cops because they were kind of useless to me, in a certain way. And what I needed to do is get a really good lawyer, which, thank God, I went to Pepperdine have some friends who knew some people about like, without without that lawyer, I wouldn't feel any sort of justice whatsoever. For the situation.

Caitlin Van Mol 22:50 What happened to the guy, driver? I

Julia 22:53 literally don't know. You never showed up for the deposition. So I literally do not know.

Caitlin Van Mol 22:58 With no resolution in criminal court. jeulia sued the cab company and the driver.

Julia 23:04 That was like, another agony of like, two years, preparing the pandemic. So courts were shut down. We're like doing this thing on Zoom.

Caitlin Van Mol 23:15 The driver was supposed to be deposed. But he didn't show up.

Julia 23:19 And I think one thing I had been doing, you asked how I deal with my anger. I know immediately after I just started writing scripts, about just contemplating I was like, Well, what happened in his day, that led up to this incident incident, you know, what happened after the fact? What did he do when he went home? You know, like, all all these questions, like, who, what, when, where, why, and why is the biggest one or like, why?

Caitlin Van Mol 23:44 If he presented himself, would you still want to, like hear what he had to say?

Julia 23:49 I think I would, because I'd be morbidly curious. Just, just just for the sake I think I would, although I want to, I want to another script idea that I had, as you go through this thing, sitting at a bar, you connect with somebody, and somebody that you're sitting next to connecting with is the person that actually hit you with the car. But neither of you know, the other person. All

Caitlin Van Mol 24:17 of these feelings of unfairness and injustice and exhaustion, had to be dealt with. The documentary healing had gotten her through a moment, but she needed something more intense and personalized to help her sort through her feelings.

Julia 24:34 I have a an EMDR therapist who is amazing and base it's like I I am I am movement dissents I rapid movement, desensitization Eye

Caitlin Van Mol 24:49 Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. EMDR.

Julia 24:53 Right. Yeah, yeah. That's what it is. And The I think the thought behind that is that you do this, these exercises where your therapist can start to sense what's difficult for you based on how quickly or slowly Your eyes are moving or when it pupils dilate, things like that. And I started it before the accident. And most definitely continued afterwards, because I was just, I was just a ball of fire all the time, you know. So, really working with my therapist helped me unravel so many things, even even things from before the car thing and and I don't know, if really for one for her, I don't know if I'd be as sort of like, stable in a certain way. Because if you're just living with that, anger, guilt, blame all that stuff. By yourself, you're just not going to treat yourself very well. Julia

Caitlin Van Mol 25:49 eventually won the lawsuit against the cab company and was awarded a settlement. But she had mixed feelings about it.

Julia 25:57 There was an element of winning that I was like really happy with I was like, great, good. But I did have this strange sensation that when I got the cash, I hated it. I hated it. So I almost did everything I could to spend it as quickly as possible. But like getting money in that way was just so disgusting to me. And I'm glad it wasn't more than it was because if anything, I'm going to create my wealth how I do not because I was victim in some someone stupidity, she

Caitlin Van Mol 26:29 used the money to get settled into a new apartment, pay for her living expenses while she was unable to work, a trip to Paris, and some medical bills. But healing is an expensive undertaking. It's

Julia 26:43 not exactly the best thing to happen to one's finances. Like, I've had five different surgeries outside of student loans. So there's that hanging over my head in certain way. There's also like financially, you sort of think about oh, hospital bill, when I got when I was out of the hospital, like I needed to get to my appointments, and by myself, like, my dad can drive me everywhere anymore, you know, so I'm taking Ubers everywhere. So it's like, occupational therapy, physical therapy. If I go to my body works lady who's gonna help me like sort myself out if I do Pilates, so I can learn to stand straight again, if I'm doing anything I need to do to reconstruct my soul is a cost. And, you know, I've always said it, but I'm expensive, and even more so now. You know, it's. And the thing is, like, the reason I have healed so much is that I've, I've spared no cost, I've just said, Alright, fine. If this is going to help me walk better, standing better, move my arm, build the muscles, whatever I need to do, I'm going to do it.

Caitlin Van Mol 27:52 And even with all those costs, her first thought when she woke up from the coma, that she needed to finish, her album was still there. And she had a responsibility to finish it, not only to herself, but to the backers of a Kickstarter campaign she did before her accident,

Julia 28:11 I just got really focused, and I knew I needed money to really fulfill the products. Like I said, I was gonna make vinyl and do all that. But I hadn't been able to fulfill it, because I'd spent the better part of two years just trying to get my arm to move again. So I ended up you know, getting a bunch of grants from different sources say like music cares, New York foundation of the arts, but that was how I was able to sustain myself. And because when you apply for grant, they make you come out, come up with some sort of outline for a business plan, whether you have it or not. And it was I was able to see like, Okay, this is what I need to actually produce the record. This is what I actually need to you know, shipping equipment like mastering all the kind of pieces that I needed to budget, I was able to do that because they they give you some sort of guidance in that way. Julia

Caitlin Van Mol 29:06 released her album feel good about feeling bad in 2021 You're listening to wonder how off that album, and the rest is available on Spotify and Bandcamp if you want to give it a listen.

Caitlin Van Mol 29:30 With that dream fulfilled, she started looking for more steady work, which meant steady income. She was offered a temp position as a receptionist at a finance company, as an actor and musician, a job as a receptionist wasn't where she thought her life was going.

Julia 29:48 But fine, because I had to remember my values. Why was I taking this job? What did I need to get done? What do I need to do? How many doctor's appointments do I have? See, right? And all this stuff. So I decided, all right, fine, I'll do that pivoted into a role as the executive assistant for the CEO, which is cool, like he's great guy and ultimately ended up putting in my head that maybe I should work with their business development team. And that was a hard pill to swallow for me, because I'm still, under the guise of like, music and acting are going to be my saviors and take me out of this thing. But at the same time, I do need to take care of myself, I do still live in New York, I do still pay too much money for rent. And it is what it is. And what an interesting journey that I did not even see happening going from like, all the things I've been doing to like working in finance. Now. Julia

Caitlin Van Mol 30:48 is thriving in this new career and feel supported in her growth there. And she's still working on regaining all the physicality she had before the accident. And then some,

Julia 30:59 well, these days, I can proudly say that I can lift my arms in the air. I can, I'm still working on like elbow rotation, but that's also connected to somewhere in the shoulder and, and that's just a strengthening thing. So once I started to build muscle, I didn't really have too much muscle to begin with, but I'm gonna start building muscle, so I can really, really get it back on percent. This year, I got a bit more proactive and decided to take piano lessons at the top of the year, January. And learn a piece that I stopped playing when I was 12. And then ended up doing my first recital at Steinway Hall, which is really fun. And of course, keeping with my, my love for insane challenges. I'm motivating myself to train for the New York Marathon, because I don't know if I can run. Yeah, like, I don't have that flex, but I want to see what is possible what what I can possibly do.

Caitlin Van Mol 32:02 Having been through something that totally derailed her life for so long. Julia knows how hard it is to keep going. But also knows how important it is. You

Julia 32:14 have this resilience to continue to live right like I mean, that's even why I'm doing this podcast, like there's a part of me that really hates talking about this, but I also know that you know, people have been inspired, you know, because I've shared it with them. And that's great. Yeah, that's great fine if it inspires you to get out of bed and do what she needs to do then do that because I definitely no like many days lay in my bed and I'm just like this is the worst you know, I can I can definitely play that game. I think it was even doing it this morning but but you know, you know you can do that with yourself. But what if you just try to do something else? And it can be hard but when you actually decide to take the first step. You don't know what's gonna happen you don't know what's possible, but if you don't take that stuff you don't, you will never know.

Caitlin Van Mol 33:13 This is live to tell. I'm Caitlin van mol and you can follow the show on Instagram at liberty to tell podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, please rate review and subscribe. It really helps the show and check out Julia's album feel good about feeling bad on Spotify and Bandcamp she also just released her new single say yes, on January 30. Go check it out.

Unknown Speaker 33:45 Says sudo sudo says sudo says sudo now sans serif, sans serif, sans serif. Sans Serif. So on

Transcribed by https://otter.ai