Hello and welcome to Revolutionize your love life. Do you
want to know more about love relationships? What makes them
work? How to create the one of your best dreams?
Do you want to be in a really healthy juicy,
love relationship? In these podcasts, we will give ideas and
practical advice to light your way. Whether you're looking for
a love partner already in a relationship, you wish could
be better or leaving one that has run its course.
There will be something to inspire empower and support you.
Revolutionize your love life is a fortnightly podcast where you
will access the knowledge and wisdom of love experts and
relationship coaches from across the world to help you find
true fulfillment in love. I am your host, Heather Garbett.
Welcome. Hello. I'm here today with the lovely Lucy Cavendish.
She's a woman of some magnitude and I'm privileged to
call her a friend and colleague in our coaching community.
She's a calling in the one coach and author, an
exceptional relationship expert and she has a podcast which is
called Later Data. Welcome, Lucy. Oh, thank you, Heather. Really
good to see you and thank you so much for
inviting me to be here. It's a real honor and
a pleasure. Thank you. Thank you. So, we're here today
to talk about the myths around love and dating. Shall
we list them? Lucy? Yes. As someone who has taken
a lot of people through calling in, the one also
sees a lot of couples, although that's slightly their feel,
but also dating myself doesn't mean to say people can't
call in their one with me but I am, I
am dating so I know a lot about it. Yeah.
That myth is something that there's no one out there
for me. Uh, you have to love yourself before anyone
else will love you. Um, we had the agony of,
oh, love will appear when you least expect it. Uh,
men are looking for younger women. So I'm talking about
women dating men obviously here. Um, and what I get
quite a lot is, oh, you're too successful. So, you're
intimidating to men. Those are the ones I have bumped
into quite a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I, I think the
other one that, that just comes to mind as you're
speaking is all the good ones are taken. Oh, yeah.
That's a, that's a, yeah, absolutely. All the good ones
are taken. Yeah. That's a, that's a, that's a really
big one. Yeah, that relates to, there's no one out
there for me. Yeah. Yeah. So, should we start with
that one? There's no one out there for me. Yes.
So as I say to my calling, the one clients
and my dating clients, essentially, you're just looking for one
person. So I, what I say to them is, listen,
how many people are on the planet? Uh uh that
runs into billions. So if you take out depends if
you're heterosexual or, you know, or, or, or, or, or
if you're, you know, depending on what you're looking for.
OK, so take out all the people that you're not
looking for and Children and all that sort of stuff,
you're still left with billions, you're still left with so
many people you could possibly date that. It is absolutely
not true. It is fundamentally factually incorrect. There is no
one out there for me. So it's a case of
really knowing. Well, of course, there's someone out there for
me. I'm only looking for one. So people get very,
you know, they get very disheartened, they get very stuck
on their side. There's no one that there for me.
And then they go into that sense of shame and
that sense of failure. And then it's a bit of
a self fulfilling prophecy. It's like when you were younger
or, or maybe older and you meet someone and they
say, oh, you're gonna dump me, you're gonna dump me
in the end. You're like, yes, I am going to
dump you cos you keep saying it, you know, sort
of, it's, it's an energy thing. There's no one ever
me and I say to people, have you got a
crystal ball? You have a crystal ball? You absolutely know.
Can you tell me 100%? There's no one out there
for you or, or maybe that's not actually true. That
that's what I, I tell people. And we also, I
think cos we're both calling in the one coaches by
helping people really think and feel in their bodies about
what is it I'm actually looking for. So we're honing
it down a bit. They were holding it down. So
I've encouraged my clients because everyone's on dating um, apps.
That's really how you meet someone, or at least it's
certainly a good way to start. I know there's a
lot of trepidation around that is to be incredibly clear
about what they're looking for, you know, so as you
don't want 100% of people liking you, you want really,
you kind of want 1% but the 1% that are
clicking, like have read, hopefully read your profile and they're,
and they're a better match, you know, than, than the
99% of other people because you've done a very general
profile. And actually, I've really been honing in on this
are two of my clients who really felt they were
undateable. Um, have both really recently rewritten. Their dating profiles
been incredibly specific about what they're looking for. Not a
5 ft 10 guy with money, but you know what
they're looking for in their bodies and souls and they've
both met someone, not the same person. Thank goodness, it
wasn't the same person. That's really interesting. And I mean,
it is a, a core piece for me about calling
in. The one is really getting the values down, really
getting the, the quality of feeling that you want to
have and then you've got something to measure each date
against. Do they make me feel safe? Do I feel
I can trust them? Do I think I can talk
to them for the next 20 years? Do I belong
with them? Do they have similar values to me? How
do they talk? How do they treat people really feeling
all that in your body is so key. So that
measuring when you find somebody, you can really tune them
out straight away, if, if they can't speak to you
or ask questions about you on the dating site. Are
they ever gonna do it in person? Now, you look
for their social skills. First off. How's your day going?
Probably doesn't float your boat? It might be somebody shy.
It's worth a second go. But if by the time
you get to the next two or three bits, it's
still, well, I had a really nice breakfast this morning
and the sun's shining, you know, then you're beginning to
wonder if there's anybody there. It's that quality. You, you
really got to learn to listen to your body as
you say to really feel if somebody is there by
being in your body yourself. I think it's really important.
You've said that because I think when people get into
fear of there's no one out there for me, they
start compromising on things. So, you know, I've been on
dating sites. How's your day? That's OK. Next day. How's
your day? Third day, how's your day? I might actually,
and now I'm trying to generate. So I'm like, OK,
I will generate a bit more of a dialogue here
and that's fine. You know what I love about this.
And I think it's really important to know this and
keep this in our bodies. We're not for everybody and
everybody's not for us. I approach it as I wish
everybody well, you know, there are a lot of people
out there who are genuinely looking for love and they're
looking for that other person and they may not be
for me. But the lovely thing about it is that
everyone, you know, these people will meet up. This is
great, but I think you do have to have a
sort of filtering system. Um And I think we have
to, you know, it can get very shaming dating because
you think, oh, it's my fourth date and it's not
this person. And then you think is there ever gonna
be summer? But what you need to know is you're
tuning in and tuning in and tuning in. What, you
know, who you're really gonna resonate with. And there has
to be that, that thing of, I'm really resonating with
this person. I'm enjoying their company. We're getting on really
well. They've picked up the bill. I know this is
old fashioned. I know it's old fashioned but for, and
I know men don't have to pick up the book.
But actually, it's about, is this person generous? Are they
generous? And do they have a masculine quality about them?
You know, as in the sort of instrumental versus expressive
uh of wanting to protect and provide and that's old
fashioned too. But we've got to remember that we are
sort of old fashioned visceral beings. Our heads go faster
than our instincts and our hearts, our hearts are quite
a long way behind in that respect. We do want
somebody that we can depend on and who's dependable doesn't
mean, you know, they have to pay every time or
that we don't have our own careers of money. It
just means that they can be there on an equal
basis. Cos uh, you know, talking a moment ago, I
think about compromise. I see really good quality women compromising
because they think they're not good enough. But what I
see is they're swimming in the shallows, they're swimming with
minnows when they should be swimming with whales. So they're
trying to fit themselves if I can mix a metaphor
into smaller and smaller shoes in order to be acceptable.
Cos their core beliefs about themselves that they're not good
enough or whatever, I'm not worthy of love. So they
try and fit in and fit in rather than being
in their full self and attracting somebody of quality from
their own confident self. And I think, you know, that's
where we come in with our coaching, of course, to
help people really live in that fully confident self that
they've lost from all of the crosscurrents of uh, the
slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. You know, the, the
childhood experiences, the bullying at school, the emotional neglect or
whatever that we've had, that leaves us with that. So
we're coming into dating from a, a vulnerable place rather
than a strong place. And I love what you're saying
about being choosy and tuning into your body. That's to
get you in the strong place. I think this is
quite complicated though because a lot of people, I mean,
I'm 57 and a lot of women of my age
and I'm sure, you know, this, you know, we've been
quite damaged, we've taken AAA hit if not more than
one hit. Absolutely. Yeah. So your core, you know, so,
yes. Abs, you know, I, I'm actually probably more confident
now than I was when I was 18. Definitely. Definitely.
I didn't know what I was doing when I was
18. I didn't really know what I was doing when
I was 20. You know. So I think it's a
balance because underneath the confidence for a lot of women
is also the heart and the pain, you know, which
is the places where they haven't been treated very well.
And there's a lot of work. I think that it
is beneath that also. I think we have to have,
have to have sounds very prescriptive, but I think this
sort of um divine feminine energy. So I've got quite
a kind of a, hello. You know, I'm a really
excitable kind of a woo hoo sort of a, I
think of myself as Edgar the dragon off the John
Lewis advert. I get so excited. I burn everything. I
see. I'm like, oh, we're going out. That's so fun.
So part of my learning it isn't to, it's not
to dumb myself down or reduce my power, but it's
to just sit back a little bit. So can a
bit of, I need to learn a bit of containment
rather than this, you know. Oh, I share very quickly.
That's fine. I don't really, actually I'm fine with it
but, you know, I can see that energy sometimes is
a little overwhelming. So it's an energy dance cos if,
if I'm constantly on it, um it doesn't give the
person a chance for them to come and shine because
I'm just being a bright shiny penny endlessly. So I,
I'm also thinking about how we shift our energy so
that actually um people can come forwards, they can shine
they can find their, what I call noble, masculine. So,
we're beautiful. Phrase. Noble, masculine. That's wonderful. Well, I always
think of it a bit like the princess, you know,
and they're jousting and who is she going to put
the, you know, the, the, the her little colors on?
And, you know, it's, it's rather than this energy of,
uh, there's no one out there. It's like there's a
whole lot of people out there but who am I
gonna let to be my suitor? Who's gonna be my,
the man that woos me? Yeah, and that's what I
mean by confidence. I don't mean, um, being always the
bubbly person at the party, I just mean by centering
in yourself and doing some work on the wounds, doing
some work on now you got wounded. You, you can't
do anything about the other person who wounded you. They
may have behaved very badly, treated you very badly. But
if you come back to yourself and you look at
how did I let that happen? Ok. You might be,
I don't married with six kids and that makes it
difficult to just up and leave. Uh, but this the,
the ways that I want us to look at how
we give our power away in dating or any other
time, you know, I've been around the block as well.
Lucy, I'm not leveling this at you at all. You
know, I, I've been married and divorced and had a
series of really unsuitable relationships. I didn't know what I
was doing when I was 18 or when I was
33 when I got married. It just looked like a
good idea at the time. I hadn't got any emotional
intelligence or real discernment or real self-confidence. I was just
in a way bouncing in my self that had adapted
to those early wounds. So that was where I was
making my choices from, which was to find people to
look after. Yes, wounded antelope. Stand aside. I will look
after them. I thought that if you kiss someone and
you had to go out with them, I mean, how
mad was that? I mean, like, hello, I felt some
kind of debt. Yeah. But I don't think like, hey,
I can kiss anyone. I like, which I can do
hell, you know, of course I can, I have to
marry them just because I've snogged them. But so I
used to just go out with basically anyone I'd kissed.
I mean, it was ridiculous. I'm completely with that. And
I remember, um, a guy I dated for a short
time saying to me, uh, that he'd been told, you
know, on the, the dating apps or something that he'd
researched that if you kiss the woman on the first
date, then you claimed her and you must have let
it go past the second date and if you behaved
well, for six months, you could do anything. You liked
after that, I was really horrified. Where was he born?
Yeah. That's very, very strange. Very, I mean, what would
I, sorry, I thought came into my head. Then I,
I think, I think that when people get panicky and
disheartened and I really get that, I do get that.
It's actually knowing and if you, if you've gone through
calling on there knowing that there is someone out there
for you and you are also for that person. But
you, you know, you, you, you can't just keep dating
the person that you kissed. There is an element of
choice, you know, who is it that you really want
to be with and who are you going to be,
you know, in that? And so this other myth that
drives me slightly nuts and everybody says it is, oh,
it'll all happen when you least expect it. You know,
and you get these stories while I was on these
dating apps and I had enough and I came off
them and a month later, you know, I was walking
down the street and I tripped over a pavement and
I looked up and there was Mr Darcy, the problem
with this and I'm sure this is true and this
is lovely. The problem with it is then you walk
through the world thinking, well, I mustn't expect love. You
know, if I, if I stop expecting it, it'll happen
and it means you're still in the energy of expecting.
Yes, you just carry on. Expecting. Expecting. Not having, yeah.
So it's the same, it's the same feeling. And II,
I do understand how painful it is. I have friends
of mine who are so horribly lonely, they feel lonely
to the very core of their body that, you know,
they're suicidal. And I mean, genuinely it's a feeling of
there's no one out there for me. Nobody is interested
in me. No one cares about me. I'm invisible. I
hear that a lot. I feel fundamentally diametrically opposed to
that. No, I feel I'm a shiny, funny, sexy, clever,
pretty magnetic woman. That's what I actually feel like. And
that's not because I'm a great beauty or I'm the
size 10 or I, whatever, whatever. It's just how I
feel about myself. But I've done a lot of work
to get to that place. And I think the thing
about the, about coaching about, about all this love coaching
is that's where you're getting your clients to. That is
where the coach is investing in the client so that
she, she walks through the world as a person for
whom, you know, she's smiling at the world and the
world's smiling back. And I can tell you the, you
know, I do that every day. I talk to people
every day. I compliment people every day. I say to
an eight year old woman, I love your hair. I
say to a boy with 8000 piercings. Wow. Your piercings
are quite something else. And everybody blossoms around you, everyone
blossoms around you. You blossom, they blossom. It's just a
win, win. I was on a date the other day
with a man. I knew he wasn't. We, we had
agreed it wasn't gonna work because uh, we talked on
the phone and he had spent an hour, I should
have cut this down. But he spent an hour telling
me about how he was, stood in love with his
ex-girlfriend who dumped him four weeks previously. So actually we
met up, I mean, he's trained to be a counselor.
So we met up as a, as a toy as
a friend. Thing about counseling and that, but what I
noticed was how self absorbed he was. So I was
chatting to this person. Oh, look at your dog and
wow, that's a lovely table and this, you know, and
he was just completely self absorbed because he's in terrible
amounts of pain. The end of our lunch. He said
what, you know, what advice could you give me? And
I said, you know, look up, just look up s
you're so self absorbed. You, you know, you're not aware
of anything other than your terrible pain and no one's
gonna wanna date you like that or if they do
it won't work. It needs to be expensive. So I
say this to people which is look around, look up,
smile, engage. If you walk through the world like there's
a rain cloud over you, there is a rain cloud
over you. It's never gonna change. No. And you'll end
up in somebody else's umbrella. Yeah. You don't wanna do
that. No. No, no, no. I really love that. What
you, what you're saying? Because you're, you're coming to the
piece of really enjoying your life. It feels really important
to me. We, we're, we're being who we want to
be in the world. We're not living in that small,
safe hidden place or, um, in an overcompensated place. We're
actually living in our true selves, not the adapted self,
our true selves as much as possible cos, you know,
we move in and out of those states all the
time. But from that place, we're really enjoying our lives,
we're doing the things that we want. We're, if we're
not on the dating apps, we're more likely to meet
somebody, uh, at the rowing club or playing bridge or
whatever it is, you know, darts on a Saturday night,
all those sorts of things that we might get involved
with, um, dram art groups. I don't know, whatever floats
your boat, then you're feeding your soul and then you're
in your most radiant self and then you're looking up,
then you're enjoying life and then you're magnetic. I think
a lot of people don't feel magnetic at all. No,
they don't. You know, and I, I feel that's such
a difficult thing that when life feels that they've, you
know, they've had a hard time. I mean, I hear,
I hear it a lot people get very stuck in
their painful stories and they find it very hard to
move beyond them. We find it better to, to hold
out for a future and, you know, being future oriented
is difficult. There's parts of me that feel really nostalgic
and I get very, um, sad. I get very tearful
at times about the life that's gone by, you know,
all, you know, and I think about my Children when
they're little and they're not little now. I can get
terribly nostalgic and I mean, may, may, maybe many people
think this and then I think, who am I kidding?
You know, this person walking through the world going la
la, I'm so magnetic. I'm like, who am I kidding?
And I think this is exhausting. This is exhausting. Why
can't I just want to go back to bed and
hide under the duvet? I don't have to go out
and walk around being magnetic. I, you know, cos for
a lot of people, if someone had said to me,
would you have chosen what's happened? Of course, I wouldn't
have chosen it. You know, I wouldn't have chosen it
at all. I didn't, you know. No, I wouldn't have
chosen to have lost all my money. I wouldn't have
chosen to have to sell my family home. I wouldn't
have chosen to be married to a man who didn't
tell, you know, wasn't quite what he seemed and get
divorced. I wouldn't have chosen my sister to have died.
All sorts of things have happened to me in the
last three years that I wouldn't have chosen. I'd much
rather, but none of that happened and like, you know,
blah, blah, blah, we were still happy land with the
birds tweeting, but that isn't where I'm at right now.
So this is also what I'm offering people, which is
we can go through horrific times and people have been
through a lot worse than that. And there are times
when you feel fell like a tree and you cannot
imagine that you will ever grow a tiny little shoot.
You might not even wanna grow a shoot. You might
not just want to stay on the ground dead because
it's too hard. Yeah. And I think you're right. I
think we move between those states of being able to
be up and out and enjoying life and having grief
for the time that's gone by. And it can be
nostalgia and it can be grief for things like when
people have died or when a marriage fails, you know,
all sorts of things for not having chosen the one
that got away, you know, for having missed a point
somewhere and gone the other path. But I think at
least we're vacillating between those two places and finding somewhere
in between where there's some core truth of self worth
and pleasure. Yeah. I think we can honor that. You
know, I think there's a, um, we're, we're complicated beings
and we should be complicated beings. And I think the
complexity of humans is what makes us all wonderful and
fascinating and amazing. But I think that that thing of
movement is very, is very key. So when I'm going
down the path of, of loss and grief and sadness
and melancholy, I just think, ok, well, that's a, that's
a little bit that, you know, I'm going down that
path a bit today and I'm ok with that. And
I, because I think I've learned the skills and capacities
to not linger there and not get stuck there cos
from that place. Well, I'm stuck in that place so
nothing that's good. No one's gonna want me. Why are,
you know, I wish I could go back another 20
years and do it differently. I mean, I can't, I
can't go back 20 years. What I can do is
learn a lot from that and go forwards, I think.
Well, what am I gonna learn from that? 20 years
or how many years I can take into my present
life now and, and do it differently. This is the,
these are the lessons we need to learn so that
we can move forwards. And I mean, I feel I
would be much more available to love somebody, somebody now
in a really whole and healthy way that I've, I've
never really been able to do that before and now
I really feel that I can, that I, I'm that
person and that's what I'm looking for in my person.
So, you know, then you might say, well, what kind
of women say to you there aren't men out there
like that, but that's not true. That's sort of tiring
all men with a brush of being sort of neanderthals
that aren't interested in their own emotional and spiritual well
being and growth. But actually I find a lot of
men are genuinely interested in that and they've done more
and more so, more and more so. Yeah. Yeah. And
they can tell you now, I mean, the other day
I met a man in the supermarket, he was about
50 something and somehow we ended up talking about attachment
styles. It's great. This is a very intimate conversation to
have. And I said, well, you, you, you offered it,
you started telling me about your attachment style and, and
I honored the fact and appreciate the fact. You decided
to talk to me about it. This is an interesting
conversation. Now, if he'd been single, he had a wedding
band on, right. If he'd been single, I probably would
have said to him. Would you like my number? Sometimes
we've got to be super brave. Yeah. Let them know
you're available. Yeah. No, I mean, he had, I checked,
I checked it out. He was a good looking man,
but I checked it out. I thought he's got a
wedding ring on his finger. So it's a lovely conversation.
And you wish him well on. He goes sometimes, you
know, you've got to say to someone, would you, you
know, would you like my number and if they say
no, so what does it matter? And I think it's
key that you say, would you like my number letting
them know you're available rather than shall we go on
a date? Or can I have your number? Because you
don't wanna take the, the uh masculine in inverted commas
role. You need to be in the divine feminine which
is inviting rather than active. Yes, I think that's really
true. So that you're sort of drawing people towards you.
It gives them the choice because you're giving a choice
out. I I am inviting you and they can choose
it to come or not. Whereas if you pursue them,
you've always got them on the back foot. I think
that pursuing energy, it um comes from fear. A lot
of sky comes from fear. Urgency. Yeah. Yeah, I've, I
mean, I have felt that at times I'm like, oh,
you know, well, maybe it's him then and my body's
going in. But you know, it's not, you know, it's
not, you're compromising because you're because you get scared. Ok?
But you know that this isn't the person for you
and that's fine. Just need to, you know, really embody
that and, and get out of the panic. And what
I ask people to do is to name their fears.
You know, what is the fear here? The fear is,
I'm never gonna meet anyone. AAA, lot of people, um,
fear being lonely. They do. Mhm. And I'm not, I'm
gonna ask people to let me know what is that
fear and what does lonely mean to them? I know
people that are surrounded by people and feel lonely. I
know people in marriages who feel lonely. You know, I
know people, people all over the world feel lonely. So
the interesting thing is what is lonely? What does lonely
mean? I think one way of looking at that is,
and it's helpful to some people not to everybody, which
is if you're, if you're in harmony with yourself, I
don't mean that means you love yourself. You don't have
to love yourself. This is another myth. You have to
love yourself. Most people don't love themselves cos they see
that as being egotistical and narcissistic. They're like, oh, well,
you know, so I don't think you have to love
yourself. I mean, I actually really like me. You know,
I do actually think I'm a really good person. Um,
but a lot of people, you know, they don't like
bits of them but I'm like, that's fine. But, you
know, you kind of need to be in harmony with
yourself because if you're in harmony with yourself you're never
truly lonely because there's always sort of you, there, there's
always you there to be with. I think that's a
helpful thought rather than, um, rather than being single as
a social stigma. I'm on my own because nobody likes
me. I'm on my own because nobody wants me. I'm
on my air because I'm ugly. I'm on my air
because I'm boring. You know, these are, these are, uh,
statements that are very unhelpful rather than I choose to
be on my own because I, I'm, I'm, I'm waiting,
not waiting, but I'm, you know, I'm here for my
person. Absolutely. You're not settling. Yes, we can all settle.
But that doesn't feel so good. I mean, I, I
see marriages that I, I mean, I, I'm so much
happier that I'm not in those marriages. They're destructive, toxic
and lonely. I don't, I don't have to be in
relationships like that. And, um, hallelujah is all I can
say. So, what's people that are single want to be
coupled up? People that are coupled up, you know, they
look at couples like I just want to be a
couple and I know some people are coupled up that
think I just want to be single. You know, because
they envy the singles, the ability to do what they
wanna do when they want to do it without having
to kind of check in and negotiate. Yeah, I think
it's worth remembering that each side wants to be where
the other side is. Yes. I think you're right. There
were also a couple more I think of the myths
we wanted to bust. And one is that men are
only looking for younger women. Yeah. Let's bust that one.
the men that are looking for younger women won't be
looking for you. So, that's all good. Yeah. Well, we're
looking for them. We're not looking for them. They're not
gonna click, like on your profile, they're not gonna appear
in your, you know, in your feed. Um, and you're
not looking for them. So that's, that's all fine. Those
men aren't gonna be on your radar because they're not
looking for you. I know a lot of men and
have met a lot of men who are looking for
age appropriate women and that's because, uh, quite often they
don't want to start another family. Ok. So if they're
in their fifties and they're gonna date women in their
twenties or thirties, they're looking, you know, they're getting into
hot water around chil about having more Children. So most
of them are like they've done their kids or their
kids are at the age where they kind of done
their kids and they don't wanna go back down that
path again and they don't want you to be down
that path again. You know, they want to be able
to go and actually date and go out and have
the same reference points, you know. So, you can talk
about the same stuff and also they're interested in what
you bring as a, as a, as a grown up
woman rather than having to sort of parent a younger
woman. So there are loads of men out there who,
who want to date women who are the same age
as them having said that as well. Hey, I know
a lot of women who are having a fabulous time
dating younger men. Oh, yes, I was about to say
for obvious reasons, but I know what everyone's gonna say
when I say that they're gonna think Viagra they don't
need Viagra. Um I, I think there's an energy mismatch.
I think you've gotta check the energy. A lot of
women in their fifties and sixties and onwards are vibrant
up VVV. Let's go. They're taking on new projects, they're
discovering new stuff about themselves and they meet someone in
their fifties, sixties, seventies who's really don pipe and slippers
land. Mm. Who sort of really just want to, you
know, uh daily premise I think is like perfect first
date. I'd like to stay in and cuddle. So that
for me is a no, was really not what I
want to do. I mean, I've cuddled enough Children, I've
cuddled enough animals do not need to cuddle grown men.
Your phrase pipe and slippers made me put my hands
over my eyes, please. No. Yes. So lots of women,
you know, they don't really want that sometimes that means
they're actually dating men who are, let's say, five years
younger, 10 years younger, they're dating men in their forties.
Yeah. Who have got a little bit more va V
going on. Yeah. And I see that much more commonly.
So I, I also want women to, to, to maybe
take the blinkers off about dating men that are younger
than, because I can tell you those men are all
good to go. They don't care that you're 10 years
older than them. They don't, they honestly, they know you
are because you've put it on your dating profile. They
want someone who's stimulating and intellectually stimulating and doesn't want
to have any more Children. Yes. Yes. Yes. And the
last one which you mentioned at the beginning, men find
you intimidating because you're so successful. Yeah, that drives me
nuts. So I was saying I was on radio for
the other women's hour and a potential date heard me.
So there was going to listen to radio four. That's
a great big tick and women's hour. I was out
but we were supposed to be going out for dinner
or a drink or something. And he texted me and
said, I, I heard your woman's hour. You were fabulous.
Well done, but I'm gonna cancel our date because I,
I just feel, you know, you're all that and I'm
not and it's a bit intimidating. So thank you. Thank
you, Mr for just ruling yourself out. Ahead of the
game to the tender parts of us. It does, it
does, does, it just does. I mean, I wish I
was 100% good to go on this, but I'm not
unlike every other person on the planet. I get hurt.
You know, I get sad. I take it personally at
times I was like, oh, but I had a really
lovely dialogue and we talk and I felt really deflated.
I felt really deflated and I want that, that something
really childish and rude, like, well, you know, stupid. You,
you know, you see that's really interesting that a rasp
and go like, you know, you know, you're an arsehole
and, and my sort of uh gut reaction from my
wounded self would be to say, oh, why do you
think so little of yourself that you feel that you're
not as good as me? So I would get into
the looking after role. You'd get into the fu role.
I, I went into fleet rebellious child, you know, kind
of like, you know, I wanted to text back something
really, you know, like, well at yours something and then
I, I thought, well just that was ok. I went
with that, you know, just put your phone in your
bag, right? You know, don't, you know, don't do the
texting thing and then I, and then I just didn't
reply. There's, you know, there's nothing to reply to but
it does, it does, it is difficult because I think
what women do way more than men because it's a
cultural thing. They play small, they play small because they
think if I'm clever and if I've got a great
job and if I earn a lot of money, I'm
not saying I do earn a lot of money because
I don't. But, you know, if I, if I do
anything above the parapet, no one's gonna want me because
I'm intimidating and I think that's tricky. Yes. And that's
the, the minnows and whales zone. Well, that gets you
until all the good ones have gone. So, here's a
problem. I have gone to parties and I have met
some whales. I have met some really wonderful men, all
of whom are taken. It's a bit of a difficult
one because you think, well, is this man a superman
because he actually married a superwoman 30 years ago, you
know, you meet their wives and they're great. So they've
grown together, you know, you kind of think, well, I
bet this guy is so completely attractive and not emotionally
intelligent because he's married to this fabulous woman. You know,
and, and, and, and I, you know, you see that
not many of them but you see some marriages and
it's wonderful, you know, together, they pull together, they know
each other, they support each other. They've turned, they're both
wonderful people and they, it, it's because of them and,
you know, it works very very well. Um, where are
those quality men? For quality women? Yes, I think that
is difficult. I'm not gonna say it isn't difficult. It
is difficult. You are swimming in a much smaller pond
than you would have been in your twenties. Certainly. From,
in your twenties. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But they can for
one. Yeah. You only need one. And I've seen it
turn on a sixpence today. There's nobody in the world
tomorrow. He's right there. Yes, I've seen that happen so
many times. Yes. So here's what I'm going to say
about that because I won't go on. Yeah. So my
friend who I met here, she is beautiful. She is
like so beautiful. She's in her sixties. She's ridiculously beautiful
and she's also warm and kind and, and she's just
a very kind woman in every capacity. She met me.
So I've been on my own for a decade. So,
yeah, and I was like, well blooming heck, I'll marry
you and I'm not even a man, you know, she's
divine. So I said to her just let's have a
chat. She didn't, she not, I can't she be, she's
become a friend, but I just said, let's have a
chat. We had a chat, we did a little bit
of backwards and forwards. She went online in January and
decided she was only going to like something like three
men. We worked on all this because she's, she is
a very beautiful woman. So she was getting, uh, likes
from everyone. But what really happened was something in her
energy went from, I'm never gonna meet anybody and she's
very successful and she has a lot of money. She
doesn't care about money, but she has actually made a
lot of money. She totally changed her energy. And out
of the woodwork came these really good, really high quality
men, you know, they just started appearing and she was
like, where were they, where were they a year ago?
Where were they? Five years ago now, I'm not trying
to say to people again. I'm not sort of saying,
well, if you shift your energy, it's gonna work, but
there's something in it, energy completely came to this. It
does. I do. I mean, I suppose you can't always
count on it. But if you know, goodness me, if
I had 100 quid for every time it happened, I'd
be a very rich lady because I, I've seen it,
you know, I've been doing this now. Eight years. Yeah,
eight years. I've seen it happen so many times. Can
you describe that in words though for people? What is
it that you're actually seeing? Um I'm seeing, I'm seeing
as women peel away their adaptive layers that have come
from childhood that leave them with. I'm not worthy. I'm
not good enough. I'm bad if I look after my
needs, I don't belong. I'm, I'm from a, a lower
caste class race or whatever it is, they're, they're holding,
it can be, uh, I'm the black sheep of the
family or it can be bigger like, you know, cultural,
um, they peel all of that away and they come
to realize that actually they're pretty damn good and they,
they start to look at people differently and they start
to be able to be themselves. And I'm thinking of
one woman particularly who was told by her friend, she's
gonna meet a guy who is pretty high quality to,
to wear a plunging neckline and, and look alluring. You
know, that's not her. She's a high neckline with frills
like or uh elegant and classic. But she followed her
friend's advice and she was really uncomfortable throughout the whole
first date to the point that the, the date said,
how about you just put on your jacket and we
start again. Oh, I love the fact her date said
that. Yeah. And it was a he, he knows he,
he noticed and he was, he was quality, but she
was coming into herself. She should have ignored her friend's
advice. She got her, her friend's not a successful date.
I don't know why she listened to her one after
another. That no, no, no. You know. But anyway, she
did out of insecurity but she came into herself and
the next date they had, she allowed him to hold
out the chair for her while she sat down, she
allowed him to think that was a must. I would
say that that. But she wouldn't, she wouldn't be before
she rushed in late and before he could get up
and put the chair out, she'd sat down and leaned
forward, you know, showing her cleavage and it's just all,
all wrong. But the point is she's now married to
him nearly two years later because he saw her and
then she saw herself, she saw herself before they went
on, she went on the date, but she lost her
courage. But thereafter she saw herself much more clearly and
then was reflected in his eyes and he looks at
her now over the breakfast table. She goes, what are
you looking at? And he says, I'm looking at you.
I can't believe I've got you. This wonderful woman is
my wife. He says those things. Well, we love him.
What if, what if you're the other way? Which is
that you believe you're a high quality woman because you
are. But there's absolutely no one out there that matches
up. You just keep looking at what I meet a
lot. But I don't meet women. I mean, I do
have that but a lot of women are like, actually
I think I'm pretty fabulous. I'm all good to go.
I've done a lot of work. I'm emotionally intelligent. I've
really worked on myself. Where is everybody? They're not coming
from? I'm not good enough or blah, blah. They, they,
they, they've done a lot of work. They're high quality
women. Mm. There are men there. I said that I
do say that but I think, I think, I don't
want us all to fall into the because I think
part of the problem is a lot of this work
is around the idea that women have somehow, uh, feel
less than, sometimes women actually feel more than, I mean,
I get that a lot. My childhood thing is a
little bit of, you're too much, you're too talkative. You're
too show offy. Why can't you shut up? Why can't
you be quiet? Why do you have to take over
every single event? Why are you so excitable? I see.
Yeah. Some people have the, you're too much narrative, then
they fall into it and what I must do is
be less of them. Shut up. I do think it's
an energetic piece though. I, I met a man the
other day. It's not a date but he, we met
somewhere and I, I was, he was so lovely and
I got so excitable at some point. He said yes,
he said it's charming. But boy, oh boy. I mean,
you know, like it's being a Tommy gun because there's
so much energy around you. Mhm. Well, so maybe there
might be some quiet feedback not to dumb yourself down,
but just to take a step back and let them
come forwards, I think, you know, for a lot of,
for a lot of um, people, I mean, I'm, I'm,
you know, a lot, uh, again I think it's the
energy piece of encouraging people to really check in with,
you know, maybe just take a breath, you know, just
hold back a little bit and let this person come
forward with it. And also I know a lot of
times, um, people dismiss people very quickly for really, really,
like, they had a blue jacket and I only like
black jacket. So, you know, but there we are not
tall enough or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, for kind of relatively
spurious reasons rather than really looking up. Who is this
person on the planet? What are their value systems? How
do I feel when I'm with them? You know, have
they got my back a little bit? I don't know.
You know, you can feel it. It is. They pulled
the chair out. Do I think that's lovely. Yes, I
think it's lovely. I don't think it's demeaning or sexist.
I think it's lovely. I think it's caring, you know,
I like that. You know, it's like I went for
dinner with a friend of mine. She knows a lot
about Persian food. So I've, I'm, I'm all good for
her to order, you know, because she knows her stuff.
So I'm like, oh, yeah. No, that's fine. You order
and I'll just eat. So it's a dance and the
thing I like to offer people and I'm sure you
do too is how exciting. Is that? How exciting is
it to think? Oh, you know, out there is this
wonderful human being I'm gonna meet, I might have to
go through a few to get there. But that's kind
of fun. You know, don't take it too seriously if
someone's got support, get support to do it. So you're
not on your own and then you don't get so
wounded. Yeah. And I think you're right. It's a sorting.
It's a sort of game. You, you say your piece
go, well, quite often people get very, very hurt because
they've met someone and they thought I quite like him
and then they've never heard from him again or they've
texted him and said, would you like to meet up?
And the guy says no or whatever happens, essentially, it's
a no. And they get very hurt and they come
to me and say, I told you there's no like
that for me. I'm never gonna find love. And I
say, how long did you meet that person? For this
person that you've never met before? How long did you
meet him for an hour? Right? Ok. You met this
person for an hour on the basis of one hour,
you're going to make a huge, massive decision about the
possibility of love in your life based on one hour
for someone you value who doesn't know you. That's beautifully
put. And to be honest, I think if somebody, uh,
rules themselves out that quickly then. That's good because you
don't have to waste your time. They've sorted themselves out
of your list. Yes. And people say, well, but why
do you think he didn't text me? I'm like, I
don't know. Maybe he, you were, maybe, I don't, who
knows? You don't know what was going on for him.
No, they might not. Yeah. Maybe they're still in love
with their ex-wife. Maybe, actually thought you were 5 ft
five and you're 5 ft eight. I don't know. Actually
it doesn't matter. It's not personal. It's not about you.
It's about him. It feels personal but it's not personal
and, and it's just one to tickle. Yep. So, where
can people find you? Lucy? They can find me anywhere.
Um, I have, I'm on Facebook. I, um, have Lucy
cavendish love coach dot com. Lucy Countless Love coach.com. I'm
Lucy Count counseling.com. Um, Instagram. I'm, I'm, yeah, findable. I'm
findable. Um, well, and the people you need to find
you find you. I do. Yes. Absolutely. That's a real
bad news. Um, and I just emailed you. This is
the other thing I want people to know sometimes you,
I mean, I found you, Heather because I was trying,
researching something and I typed something in your name came
up and I emailed you and I know it's not
a dating thing but you've got, sometimes we've got to
go ok. I really, you know, I need to push
myself out of my comfort zone a bit. Yes. Sometimes
need to be. They need to kind of be a
little bit brave. Yes. Yes. And you were very brave
in connecting with me and look, we've created something really
interesting out of that connection and there's more to come.
Oh, yeah. I think we should take it on the
road because you have such success. This, this calling in
the one system which you've adapted for your style. I've
adapted for my style. It, it works. Mm It's the,
it works. It's the client puts the energy in and
it's a right energetic match. So some people will be
for me. Uh uh um And some people will be
for you. They'll be, you know, we uh and what
I like about this community is that is that if
a client is sort of for me, I might say,
you know, I'll say try Heather, you know, it's not
a grabby feeling. It's like we share stuff. Yes. All
boats rise together on the tide we're arriving on. So
the other thing I want people to really know about
love and about dating and we're doing it for everybody.
It's not just sort of us in this little pocket
going. Oh my God, what's going on here? You know,
it's for everybody and if we can expand that feeling.
So I just think, well, my, no, you know, that
was a no, but that's someone else's yes. And this
person is released now. To go and find his. Yes.
And I'm, I'm gonna find my Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Thank you so much for listening to this episode of
Revolutionize your Love life. I'd like to know what has
been your biggest takeaway from this conversation. Do take a
minute and share this with us and visit us on
our Facebook page. You can connect with me personally on
my email at Heather at Heather garber.com. If you can
think of someone who will benefit from listening to this
podcast, please do share it with them. If you have
any feedback on how I can improve it, please do
reach out to me as I'm always keen to learn
more. Thank you so much again for listening and we'll
meet again on the next episode of Revolutionize Your Love
Life.
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