1 00:00:05,950 --> 00:00:08,230 Hello. Today we're going to talk about

2 00:00:08,230 --> 00:00:14,920 what makes a relationship work. And I'm with Pachulia and Anthony I

3 00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:19,030 met Pachulia on Facebook and have been following her journey across the

4 00:00:19,030 --> 00:00:24,130 globe and most especially in Italy. I enjoyed her writing and the

5 00:00:24,130 --> 00:00:27,850 beautiful photographs she shows. We got to know each other a

6 00:00:27,850 --> 00:00:30,850 little better and talked about her relationship with Anthony,

7 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:35,200 and this prompted me to ask them both to come and speak today about

8 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:40,360 what makes their relationship work. Welcome Pachulia and Anthony and

9 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:43,060 thank you so much. You're very welcome.

10 00:00:43,060 --> 00:00:45,760 Thanks for having us. Oh it's a delight.

11 00:00:45,850 --> 00:00:50,440 So let me tell you a bit about them. They are living in Connecticut.

12 00:00:50,470 --> 00:00:53,980 Part of their time is spent in Italy where they operate A, B and B.

13 00:00:54,790 --> 00:00:58,330 They met online almost seven years ago when Anthony was

14 00:00:58,330 --> 00:01:03,280 living in Queens, New York. They enjoy traveling, but Julia

15 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:07,840 teaches business and has just written the book, My Happy Escape

16 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:13,870 Adventures of a Global Sojourner. She believes that in serving each

17 00:01:13,870 --> 00:01:18,520 other, not sacrifice, is the key to a long term relationship.

18 00:01:18,970 --> 00:01:24,970 She also believes in support over submissiveness with which will

19 00:01:24,970 --> 00:01:30,650 create a healthy relationship. Serving, support and sharing are

20 00:01:30,650 --> 00:01:36,160 immensely important, she says. Now. Pachulia is an extrovert and

21 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:40,140 Anthony an introvert. One of the challenges they have as a

22 00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:45,970 couple is they're both very sensitive people. So they get offended easily.

23 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:51,560 And the good thing is that we don't throw insults at each other during a

24 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:55,790 disagreement. We're not resentful. So even in an argument,

25 00:01:55,790 --> 00:02:01,580 we can let things go. And this is next piece is from

26 00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:04,070 Antony. He believes that in relationship

27 00:02:04,070 --> 00:02:08,330 each person must be selfless. Anthony states it's important to

28 00:02:08,330 --> 00:02:12,650 understand each other's personality, to communicate more effectively

29 00:02:12,650 --> 00:02:16,650 when there is a misunderstanding. Quoting him here.

30 00:02:16,650 --> 00:02:23,100 He says we're not perfect, but that what sustains us is respect,

31 00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:27,600 love, genuine care. Patients enjoying each other's

32 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:31,080 company, valuing each other's strength and

33 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:37,340 making up where the other lacks. These are amazing words of wisdom

34 00:02:37,340 --> 00:02:40,940 to begin with, and so delighted that you wrote them to me.

35 00:02:40,940 --> 00:02:46,490 So I get a real feel for both of you. Thank you so much. You're welcome.

36 00:02:47,910 --> 00:02:51,210 Well, the most important question everybody want to know.

37 00:02:51,210 --> 00:02:58,750 Well, how did you meet them? Well. Uh, I was in between.

38 00:02:58,750 --> 00:03:01,750 I was transferring from. I used to work for the United States

39 00:03:01,750 --> 00:03:06,850 Postal Service as an operations manager, and I transferred from

40 00:03:06,850 --> 00:03:10,450 one facility to another. So I had about a two week hiatus,

41 00:03:10,450 --> 00:03:15,140 you know. Off time period. And what I did was I went online.

42 00:03:15,140 --> 00:03:18,980 I was single at the time, so I went online and I found this app

43 00:03:18,980 --> 00:03:24,980 called Zoosk and I said, oh, let me, let me try to see who I could find.

44 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,400 Maybe I'll send a message out there to the universe, you know,

45 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:31,400 and and see what I catch, like when you're going fishing.

46 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,210 And seeing what's doing that. And as he was doing that,

47 00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:39,080 I also went online. It was actually one of my sisters,

48 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:43,160 uh, several months prior told me to go online.

49 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:47,870 I was hesitant, I was, you know, I'm traditional in the sense that I still

50 00:03:47,870 --> 00:03:51,500 want to meet someone face to face. You know, I'm not going online to

51 00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:55,160 meet someone because I consider myself like an authentic person.

52 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:58,910 I want to see you connect with you in person.

53 00:03:58,910 --> 00:04:03,290 Nevertheless, I took her advice and went online.

54 00:04:03,290 --> 00:04:06,890 And I've you know, before Anthony, I did it not date person,

55 00:04:06,890 --> 00:04:10,040 but I went on a couple of dates. Some of them I had to run,

56 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:16,490 run away from, of course. And so that night when we met online,

57 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:20,840 I was actually about to get off. I was fed up.

58 00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:27,590 And I think that was the moment we you, um, you connected with me?

59 00:04:27,590 --> 00:04:30,440 Well, yeah, I was sitting on the couch and I was sending, you know,

60 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:38,420 messages to to prospects, you know, and and some messages were similar.

61 00:04:38,420 --> 00:04:40,550 Some messages were a little different.

62 00:04:40,850 --> 00:04:45,920 And then, uh, actually responded to one of my messages.

63 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:49,970 And then we began to have a dialogue in which, you know,

64 00:04:49,970 --> 00:04:52,370 we started talking for hours and hours and hours.

65 00:04:52,370 --> 00:04:58,070 But I will tell you what I responded to that he was quiet.

66 00:04:58,610 --> 00:05:02,930 He it was thorough. It wasn't a hi, how are you?

67 00:05:02,930 --> 00:05:07,100 It was a paragraph that I know. Now you copy and paste probably

68 00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:09,860 to everyone, but nevertheless, no, not everyone. No it wasn't.

69 00:05:09,860 --> 00:05:11,600 You know why? Because that one was particularly

70 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:15,680 unique. Because he did. I like my travels and and and

71 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:20,330 mentioned that he admired that. You know, so just from the way in

72 00:05:20,330 --> 00:05:26,420 which, uh, that message was written, I could tell that there was this

73 00:05:26,420 --> 00:05:30,020 guy respected me, you know, he respected my travel.

74 00:05:30,020 --> 00:05:35,540 He respected, uh, and and also it it seemed as though he was interested

75 00:05:35,540 --> 00:05:38,300 not necessarily in traveling, but he was respecting and valuing

76 00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:43,100 who I was as a global traveler. Well, when I, when I, like I said,

77 00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:46,220 you know, I was, you know, not to be funny, but I was I was

78 00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:50,060 cutting and pasting messages to, to different women, you know,

79 00:05:50,300 --> 00:05:54,020 but but at the same time, uh, on many of their profiles,

80 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:57,140 I was reading, you know, trying to see who are they,

81 00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:01,190 you know, what are they about? Good. But then I came to her profile

82 00:06:01,190 --> 00:06:04,160 and I saw that she was in different countries, even though

83 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:07,730 I wasn't a traveler at the time. But I could tell it wasn't the US,

84 00:06:07,730 --> 00:06:09,710 you know? So it was different countries.

85 00:06:09,710 --> 00:06:12,680 And I was like, oh, that's interesting. It's very interesting.

86 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:15,710 So in depth, I thought, you know, writing like and like she said,

87 00:06:15,710 --> 00:06:19,400 I wrote a paragraph and uh, and there we go.

88 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:23,060 And then we, we spoke on the phone for numerous hours.

89 00:06:23,060 --> 00:06:25,820 And then afterwards, I think it was a week later,

90 00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:30,740 we met in Manhattan, and the rest is history. It's two weeks later.

91 00:06:30,740 --> 00:06:33,590 Well, maybe more or less. Yes. I think it was about a week in

92 00:06:33,710 --> 00:06:36,770 and half. Yes. Like that. Yes. But you know what you missed, though?

93 00:06:36,770 --> 00:06:41,600 That same night when we were texting, really, I was on my computer.

94 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,220 And were you texting or on your computer?

95 00:06:43,220 --> 00:06:45,410 I think you were on your computer. Yes, because you were home.

96 00:06:45,410 --> 00:06:50,760 So we were communicating. Um. Writing, of course.

97 00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:56,820 We actually stopped at one moment and started talking on on the phone the

98 00:06:56,820 --> 00:07:01,950 same time we met, because it's as if we had so much we wanted to say,

99 00:07:01,950 --> 00:07:05,490 and we were genuinely not. I wouldn't say curious,

100 00:07:05,490 --> 00:07:09,720 but excited about the conflict in the conversation.

101 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:14,040 And we just were eager to just connect and share more.

102 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:18,720 And it wasn't just the about us in an intimate way, like, you know,

103 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,120 it was just it was broader. It was broader.

104 00:07:21,180 --> 00:07:24,960 Well, the thing is, you know, when you're texting someone, uh,

105 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:30,540 you don't hear the emotion in a voice, you don't hear if that

106 00:07:30,540 --> 00:07:36,870 individual is, uh, authentic, inauthentic, uh, faking it.

107 00:07:37,170 --> 00:07:39,900 You know, when, when you, when you talk to someone on the

108 00:07:39,900 --> 00:07:42,660 phone, you know, and you hear the person's voice,

109 00:07:42,870 --> 00:07:45,870 you really can't fake anything. You know, you're just talking,

110 00:07:45,870 --> 00:07:48,780 right? You know, and it's true. You have to really.

111 00:07:48,780 --> 00:07:51,000 You have to be real. Yeah. You have to be real.

112 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,640 So I don't mind the text, but after a point,

113 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,340 I want to hear the voice now. And I think just from the text

114 00:07:56,340 --> 00:08:00,480 though, we, we realized we we realized that, wow, I want to

115 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,720 get to know this person more. And we didn't play games like,

116 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:07,800 oh, let him wait for a week. No, we just got on that same

117 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:11,640 night and I think we talked for five hours or like 3 or 4 hours.

118 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,940 We were just so happy. We're like, you know, kids in a way,

119 00:08:14,940 --> 00:08:18,330 really talking back and forth and just genuinely excited to.

120 00:08:18,330 --> 00:08:23,340 You know, the the the dating app is excellent in this day and age,

121 00:08:23,340 --> 00:08:26,790 you know, but I think it creates a disconnect.

122 00:08:27,270 --> 00:08:30,810 You know, at first because people play games, men and women,

123 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:34,650 men and women play games. They, they, they change their,

124 00:08:34,650 --> 00:08:38,040 their profile picture. They show a picture of 20 years

125 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:42,780 ago or ten years ago. You know, I had that issue where I

126 00:08:42,780 --> 00:08:48,030 went on a date and the person did not look like what the picture presented.

127 00:08:48,180 --> 00:08:51,600 And I was like, oh, who's this? Who is this?

128 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:56,130 But, you know, being respectful, you know, I went to dinner,

129 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:59,610 you know, had a good chat, but then it was like, goodbye.

130 00:08:59,850 --> 00:09:02,520 Yeah, but not in our case. No, not in our case.

131 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:06,060 Because again, we we connected authentically, um,

132 00:09:06,390 --> 00:09:11,130 through writing and by communicating. And we were both genuinely just

133 00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:14,550 excited to, to connect and meet each other.

134 00:09:14,550 --> 00:09:18,180 And so we met up in New York, I, I, I think I drove,

135 00:09:18,180 --> 00:09:21,150 I think I did I drive, no, I took the train, I drove the train.

136 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:25,170 He drove from Queens to Manhattan, and I took the train into Manhattan.

137 00:09:25,170 --> 00:09:29,550 And we connected there. And the moment we met, it was just

138 00:09:29,550 --> 00:09:33,810 like, ah, you know, we were so happy. And we went walking in Central

139 00:09:33,810 --> 00:09:39,210 Park and, uh, it was beautiful. No, it was a good experience.

140 00:09:39,210 --> 00:09:43,380 It was a good experience, you know. And I know every relationship is

141 00:09:43,380 --> 00:09:45,540 different. And I'm a little detail, um,

142 00:09:45,540 --> 00:09:48,330 he was, you know, it was. It's costly in Manhattan when

143 00:09:48,330 --> 00:09:51,180 you have to park and pay for little things, you're in there.

144 00:09:51,180 --> 00:09:55,860 So he was doing most of that. So when it came time for lunch,

145 00:09:55,860 --> 00:09:59,700 you know, I, I paid. But then I said,

146 00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:04,620 let this be the last time that I pay when we go out to dinner.

147 00:10:04,620 --> 00:10:13,530 From now on, he and I love he says, okay, you know, and you know,

148 00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:16,710 it's just something I wanted to say. Maybe it was a test,

149 00:10:16,710 --> 00:10:21,180 I don't know. But, you know. One of those things, just one of

150 00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:27,510 those things, it seems to matter. It does. Well. So go on.

151 00:10:27,510 --> 00:10:31,230 When did you know that you were the one for each other?

152 00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:33,480 You know, after that point, when did you know?

153 00:10:33,930 --> 00:10:38,250 Um, I think I think probably soon after that. Like when exactly?

154 00:10:38,490 --> 00:10:41,220 I think it was. So I can't pinpoint it did in time.

155 00:10:41,220 --> 00:10:44,760 But you just know because you, you speak to the person, you know,

156 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:48,690 we we we spoke to each other, we got to know each other.

157 00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:51,840 You know, we had that that feeling, you know, that. Wow.

158 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:54,840 We're comfortable with each other. Yes. It's about comfort too.

159 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,540 So yes, we say okay, we have things in common.

160 00:10:57,540 --> 00:10:59,640 There are things we don't have in common. It's okay.

161 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:02,250 And we didn't have to change ourselves at all for each other.

162 00:11:02,250 --> 00:11:05,520 No, no, we were just authentic, you know, because.

163 00:11:05,580 --> 00:11:10,170 Well, I never yeah, I never felt like I had to change my personality or

164 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:14,400 because I'm a very strong, confident, happy, bubbly person and extrovert.

165 00:11:14,580 --> 00:11:20,250 And you'd never guess. And then he's the mellow,

166 00:11:20,250 --> 00:11:23,490 calm person. And and I love how we just

167 00:11:23,490 --> 00:11:26,730 complement each other. Like he embraced that about me.

168 00:11:26,730 --> 00:11:30,780 My energy and I embraced. And I love his calm self because

169 00:11:30,780 --> 00:11:33,660 he helped. He sometimes sees that I'm anxious

170 00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:37,260 and he would say, how were you doing? You know, like that was like,

171 00:11:37,260 --> 00:11:40,740 are you okay? You know, all the time. It just looked at me a certain

172 00:11:40,740 --> 00:11:45,000 way and I'm like, I'm fine. So I love and, you know, I love that,

173 00:11:45,540 --> 00:11:48,240 um, that he's very sturdy. He's very calm.

174 00:11:48,570 --> 00:11:53,490 Um, and so he kind of balances me. Um, I want to say balances me a

175 00:11:53,490 --> 00:11:55,620 little bit. And I do the same for you as well.

176 00:11:55,620 --> 00:11:57,840 Yeah, yeah. But there was a moment, though,

177 00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:01,320 when we had challenges in our relationship where he was dealing

178 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:06,930 with a lot of stress from work. And so there was this moment and,

179 00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:10,620 and also, um, yeah, some challenges. I'll leave it at that.

180 00:12:10,620 --> 00:12:15,150 And it wasn't our relationship per se, how we feel towards each other.

181 00:12:15,150 --> 00:12:18,270 But you know, how people come into relationships still with a lot of

182 00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:23,490 traumas or a lot of issues at work, and it's absolutely. Exactly.

183 00:12:23,490 --> 00:12:28,470 So it became overwhelming for me. And I took a job in China, and I just

184 00:12:28,470 --> 00:12:31,740 felt like it's it's you know, what? He's not like at the first I said,

185 00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:36,090 he's not doing enough to just pull me and said, I want you no matter what.

186 00:12:36,450 --> 00:12:41,670 And, and I, I left and I went to China for a year, I want to say

187 00:12:41,670 --> 00:12:45,120 an academic year, really? That's about eight months to teach.

188 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:50,580 And when I was there, we didn't really speak a lot.

189 00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:54,270 Nevertheless, I was always thinking about him and

190 00:12:54,270 --> 00:12:56,910 he was always thinking about me. But we only knew this, you know,

191 00:12:56,910 --> 00:13:00,870 upon my return. But the moment that I knew that,

192 00:13:01,170 --> 00:13:04,320 I think there's several moments that I knew that he was the one for me

193 00:13:04,860 --> 00:13:08,820 was when we went out with my dad. Remember, we went to a market like

194 00:13:08,820 --> 00:13:13,890 a Whole Foods market with my dad. And daddy said to me, uh,

195 00:13:13,890 --> 00:13:19,420 when he was alive, he said, um. I like him. Just.

196 00:13:19,750 --> 00:13:23,020 I mean, I'm like, daddy never likes anybody. You know, any would say.

197 00:13:23,020 --> 00:13:25,690 He would say. He would say, take it easy on him.

198 00:13:25,780 --> 00:13:28,210 Take it easy on. And that's the another thing I

199 00:13:28,210 --> 00:13:30,610 was very surprised. That's when I knew daddy

200 00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:33,640 approves because daddy even said take it when he would.

201 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,770 When you were gone, when you went for the car,

202 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:39,190 daddy turned to me and said, take it easy on him, dear.

203 00:13:39,190 --> 00:13:43,150 So every time, if we would have some kind of disagreement, I would say,

204 00:13:43,150 --> 00:13:47,470 remember what your father said. Take it easy on that.

205 00:13:47,980 --> 00:13:52,960 And then I would feel so badly and I'm like, okay, okay,

206 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:56,140 I promise, you know? So he plays that little game, like,

207 00:13:56,140 --> 00:13:59,200 remember what your father said, take it easy on me.

208 00:13:59,470 --> 00:14:01,780 Look, every every relationship has arguments.

209 00:14:01,780 --> 00:14:05,710 Every relationship has fights. You cannot, uh, um,

210 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:10,060 there's no way of avoiding them. The question is, after you have

211 00:14:10,060 --> 00:14:13,450 that disagreement or argument, how do you come back from that?

212 00:14:13,510 --> 00:14:16,420 Mm. That's the question. How do you come back from that?

213 00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:19,510 Because in any relationship that's what's important, you know.

214 00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:24,100 And for what it's it's about communication communication and

215 00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:27,310 understanding each other. Remember what I said too is like,

216 00:14:27,820 --> 00:14:30,670 yes, people can say I'm communicating, but it's not working.

217 00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:34,030 But then how do we communicate? Like, yes, there are times we

218 00:14:34,030 --> 00:14:36,940 have heated discussion after like every relationship.

219 00:14:36,940 --> 00:14:39,850 And he would, at least in the beginning of a relationship,

220 00:14:40,060 --> 00:14:44,860 he would leave. I would leave, yeah. And and I would be so angry.

221 00:14:44,860 --> 00:14:46,810 Like he just walked out on me, you know?

222 00:14:46,810 --> 00:14:52,270 But he just needed his peace, you know? But he just walked out, and.

223 00:14:52,270 --> 00:14:56,260 I don't leave anymore because it's exhausting. It's exhausting.

224 00:14:57,010 --> 00:15:00,250 Yeah. You know. So. So I just stay, I stay, you know,

225 00:15:00,250 --> 00:15:01,840 because, like, you know, I have to confront this.

226 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:04,330 I have to confront this. And one of the things we we talked

227 00:15:04,330 --> 00:15:09,400 about for years is coming back and centering ourselves and realizing

228 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,770 that, I think you said it once, and then you're like,

229 00:15:11,770 --> 00:15:14,710 we're not against each other. And I would say, yeah, we're not.

230 00:15:14,710 --> 00:15:18,610 We just I said, we just I will say the same thing

231 00:15:18,610 --> 00:15:21,460 in a different we will say the same thing in a different way.

232 00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:27,220 It tends to be the way we communicate and sometimes just misunderstanding.

233 00:15:27,220 --> 00:15:30,490 Not that we're we have an opposite perspective.

234 00:15:30,490 --> 00:15:34,750 It's just simple misunderstanding. And I think when we get our emotions

235 00:15:34,750 --> 00:15:39,820 that, um, um, get get the emotions out of the way, we started,

236 00:15:39,820 --> 00:15:43,600 we start to communicate much better. Well, sometimes when you when you do

237 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:48,910 argue, when, you know, when we argue, you know, you have to take a break.

238 00:15:48,910 --> 00:15:53,260 You have to take a timeout, as they say, a timeout. And I absolutely.

239 00:15:53,260 --> 00:15:57,790 Do, because the blood needs to go from the fight and fight place at

240 00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:01,480 the back of your head, back to your cerebral cortex so you can think.

241 00:16:02,270 --> 00:16:06,470 Don't panic. Give me five minutes. Give me five minutes.

242 00:16:06,830 --> 00:16:09,290 You know, it's not because I'm trying to think about something.

243 00:16:09,290 --> 00:16:13,460 No, I need to relax. I need to rest my mind, and then

244 00:16:13,460 --> 00:16:16,280 I come back in a rational way. And that's.

245 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,160 I think that's very important. And it's worked, you know.

246 00:16:19,730 --> 00:16:22,550 And, um, yeah, I agree, I. Have to I have to interject some

247 00:16:22,550 --> 00:16:23,930 time. I love that you so much of an

248 00:16:23,930 --> 00:16:26,330 extrovert. I have to I have to get some words.

249 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,580 I love that, and that's one of the things we,

250 00:16:28,580 --> 00:16:32,750 we argue about sometimes when we're discussing something, we're

251 00:16:32,750 --> 00:16:37,670 trying to understand a situation. I will find myself doing all the

252 00:16:37,670 --> 00:16:41,000 talking and I'm like, Anthony, say something, please just jump in.

253 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,750 So I'm very happy that you're interacting like, oh, he's happy.

254 00:16:45,020 --> 00:16:48,830 Sometimes it's hard, but. But going back to that question,

255 00:16:48,830 --> 00:16:51,470 Heather, another moment when I realized that I loved him.

256 00:16:51,470 --> 00:16:55,160 I really love this guy. And I'll tell you when I love him.

257 00:16:55,310 --> 00:17:01,130 When again, going back to China, my father fell ill and it's about

258 00:17:01,130 --> 00:17:06,200 24 hour flight to come here. And my father and I was so

259 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:09,590 scared that daddy was going to die that moment.

260 00:17:09,590 --> 00:17:13,640 And even though Anthony and I were not speaking, we weren't angry at

261 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:18,620 each other. We just weren't speaking. Um, he was the one I called.

262 00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:24,500 I have several brothers and sisters, but he was the one I trusted to go

263 00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:29,750 and not only see my dad, but give me like a thorough update on how he

264 00:17:29,750 --> 00:17:34,550 was doing. And I called Anthony. Of course, I was sobbing.

265 00:17:34,730 --> 00:17:38,180 I was crying so hard. And I called to him and said,

266 00:17:38,180 --> 00:17:41,690 Anthony, can you go see my dad? You know, and explain this?

267 00:17:41,690 --> 00:17:45,260 I explained to the situation and he was like, okay, I'll, you know,

268 00:17:45,260 --> 00:17:49,610 and you, you were you worked about 13 hours a day. He was he worked a lot.

269 00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:52,340 And he was willing, like in a heartbeat, like, okay,

270 00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:55,010 I'll go see your dad tomorrow, you know. And then.

271 00:17:55,010 --> 00:17:57,770 Yeah, I was at a, I was at a diner, and I just finished paying,

272 00:17:57,770 --> 00:18:01,340 and I was heading outside, and then I received the phone call,

273 00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:04,760 and then I said, no problem. You know, because there are some

274 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:10,220 things that you have to look beyond. Yeah, this is a person who our

275 00:18:10,220 --> 00:18:13,970 father is ZIL. So how could I,

276 00:18:13,970 --> 00:18:18,200 whether we our relationship is good or bad or indifferent, whatever.

277 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:22,910 How can I not how could I not? Yeah. So I said it was a good it was a

278 00:18:22,910 --> 00:18:24,710 good thing. It's a good thing to do, you know.

279 00:18:24,710 --> 00:18:28,040 And you know, and I cared for her. So why not.

280 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:31,700 And I think when I, when I came on that 24 hour

281 00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:36,740 flight the next day or, you know, uh, I just reconnected again,

282 00:18:36,980 --> 00:18:40,310 reconnected in daddy's room in the, at the hospital.

283 00:18:40,310 --> 00:18:43,100 And it was that moment I'm like, I'm not leaving him.

284 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:47,150 He I'm coming back when I returned from China. Uh, um.

285 00:18:47,150 --> 00:18:50,350 Permanently. That's it. We're going to have a

286 00:18:50,350 --> 00:18:54,340 relationship and I will make sure we we deal with whatever it

287 00:18:54,340 --> 00:18:59,230 is to ensure that it works. And it took and, you know,

288 00:18:59,230 --> 00:19:04,120 Heather, it's interesting because a lot of women feel like the guy

289 00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:07,900 has to be strong all the time. And, you know, sometimes I realize

290 00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:11,590 I'm the stronger person in the, you know, I mean,

291 00:19:11,590 --> 00:19:14,710 he's strong in his own way and I'm strong in a different way.

292 00:19:14,710 --> 00:19:18,400 And for the past five years, Anthony can tell you there are

293 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:22,960 times when I had to coach him, I had to just put on a like,

294 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,360 I don't want to say, just sit and sit him down and say,

295 00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:29,590 let's talk about your anxiety, Anthony. What, what?

296 00:19:29,590 --> 00:19:32,260 Let's talk about your childhood. Let's talk about some traumas

297 00:19:32,260 --> 00:19:37,630 that you've had to deal with. And he respected that well.

298 00:19:37,630 --> 00:19:41,470 Because everyone as a man, as a man, you know, we we're supposed to

299 00:19:41,470 --> 00:19:44,860 project, you know, strength, power or whatever, you know,

300 00:19:44,860 --> 00:19:48,760 and which is true, men are strong, but we also have weaknesses.

301 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:55,420 And we have to be able to, uh, um, admit that we do have weaknesses,

302 00:19:55,420 --> 00:19:59,860 that there are things in our life that we cannot cope with, you know,

303 00:19:59,860 --> 00:20:02,920 because we don't have that. I can't go to my,

304 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:07,090 my male friends and say, hey, you know, I have this this sad story.

305 00:20:07,090 --> 00:20:09,250 It doesn't work that way in any culture.

306 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:13,660 It doesn't work that way, you know. So women have that, that, that,

307 00:20:13,660 --> 00:20:17,560 that beauty that they, you know, they, they can get together,

308 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:21,670 they can cry, they can they can share intimate stories.

309 00:20:21,670 --> 00:20:26,260 But we can't do that with as men. It's a shame we can't do that.

310 00:20:26,710 --> 00:20:30,190 It's just a fact, you know? So so there's no release.

311 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,280 There's no release. So we need that, that that partner,

312 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:37,630 that woman to, uh, to hear our story and to guide us to.

313 00:20:38,110 --> 00:20:40,750 And that's what he's allowed me to do over the years.

314 00:20:40,750 --> 00:20:46,150 For the past five years. Six years. Um, I he just he and there's so

315 00:20:46,150 --> 00:20:51,040 much that he has shared his childhood traumas, um, uh,

316 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:55,780 and even traumas during adulthood and also at his work, you know,

317 00:20:55,780 --> 00:21:01,060 he's cried and, and I think that's where we come in to as partners,

318 00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:05,260 as women not feel not expecting the guy to come in as, as as,

319 00:21:05,260 --> 00:21:09,100 what do you call it, warriors and just amazing lovers

320 00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:13,930 and amazing being because they're carrying so much and it and I

321 00:21:13,930 --> 00:21:17,290 felt I can't speak for everyone, but it was that's my strength.

322 00:21:17,290 --> 00:21:21,790 My strength is is coaching guiding. And so I had to wear that hat

323 00:21:21,790 --> 00:21:25,600 sometime in this relationship because at the end of the day, I'm like,

324 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:28,750 I don't want to lose him and I want to know what's going on.

325 00:21:28,750 --> 00:21:32,020 Well, the problem is, you know, let's say in my case, you know,

326 00:21:32,020 --> 00:21:35,290 I'm working for the government and I'm working as an operations manager.

327 00:21:35,410 --> 00:21:40,420 I'm working 12, 13, 14 hours a day. I'm I'm stressed.

328 00:21:40,420 --> 00:21:44,650 The environment is toxic, you know, so so there's always

329 00:21:44,650 --> 00:21:49,690 constant pressure. So how do I balance that kind of

330 00:21:49,690 --> 00:21:54,790 work, uh, that toxic environment and have a relationship at the

331 00:21:54,790 --> 00:21:58,420 same time and come home and say, oh, everything is fine.

332 00:21:58,420 --> 00:22:01,360 No, you can't do that. You can't do that.

333 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:05,230 I don't see how you can. You know, eventually it bleeds in,

334 00:22:05,230 --> 00:22:08,470 it bleeds into the relationship and to wherever you go.

335 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:12,220 You know, you can't change that. So either you change, either you get

336 00:22:12,220 --> 00:22:18,550 out of the relationship and spare the partner this, this B.S., or you

337 00:22:18,550 --> 00:22:23,350 have to leave the toxic environment. So I chose to leave the wife.

338 00:22:23,380 --> 00:22:24,730 Tell her, tell her, tell her why you left.

339 00:22:24,730 --> 00:22:28,540 Well, Pachulia said, oh, I give you five years and you're

340 00:22:28,540 --> 00:22:32,320 going to be dead live. Yes. And that was after we that was

341 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:35,170 when we like I think two months after we met. Yeah.

342 00:22:35,590 --> 00:22:39,790 That was that was a 2017 a few months after, you know, I was working in

343 00:22:39,790 --> 00:22:43,870 Manhattan and it was just a very, very toxic environment, you know.

344 00:22:43,870 --> 00:22:47,770 And then I had to look at myself and say, well, I'm making good money,

345 00:22:47,770 --> 00:22:51,670 but is it worth it if I'm not going to be around to, to to spend it?

346 00:22:51,670 --> 00:22:55,600 So what's the point. You know. And and Pachulia said to me she

347 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:59,350 she heard everything I was saying about the toxic toxicity.

348 00:22:59,350 --> 00:23:02,920 I saw on her face too. Right. Right. Because even my demeanor, everything

349 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:07,720 was changed because even even the people who were toxic at work,

350 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:13,080 I was I was slowly becoming them. I was. I was slowly becoming them.

351 00:23:13,110 --> 00:23:16,530 The anger, the stress, the way they treated workers.

352 00:23:16,530 --> 00:23:22,910 I was the opposite, you know, I, I, I led with. Uh, I was rigid.

353 00:23:23,390 --> 00:23:28,580 I was detail oriented, and I was firm. But I also led with compassion.

354 00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:32,600 That was the difference. I was a leader that had compassion,

355 00:23:32,660 --> 00:23:34,640 you know, and be tough at the same time.

356 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:39,470 But many of my coworkers, you know, counterparts, they were the opposite.

357 00:23:39,470 --> 00:23:41,990 And not only that, I think one thing you're forgetting to say

358 00:23:41,990 --> 00:23:45,020 is that you were being abused. So when he came into the

359 00:23:45,020 --> 00:23:48,020 relationship, he came into relationship battered.

360 00:23:48,590 --> 00:23:52,130 Well, because because the, the you know, that's a straight too

361 00:23:52,130 --> 00:23:57,240 long on this. But the point is the. It was a constant yelling,

362 00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:00,480 yelling, yelling that that was the the mainstay.

363 00:24:00,510 --> 00:24:02,580 That's the way it was, that environment.

364 00:24:02,580 --> 00:24:05,310 Many, many managers, many supervisors.

365 00:24:05,310 --> 00:24:09,480 You always get yelled at, yelled at and pressure. Your job is threatened.

366 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,940 You get cursed sometimes. And they swore, right?

367 00:24:11,940 --> 00:24:14,130 And and it's like, how do you deal with that?

368 00:24:14,340 --> 00:24:18,930 You know, you could only have so much thick skin. After a while you break.

369 00:24:18,930 --> 00:24:21,780 Down, but you don't even have to because you're very sensitive to

370 00:24:21,780 --> 00:24:24,510 and it's not so. Yeah, but. But but honestly, in the

371 00:24:24,510 --> 00:24:27,510 beginning when I first started, it was okay because it depends

372 00:24:27,510 --> 00:24:32,670 on who your leaders are. Yeah. But then as I changed facilities,

373 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:37,980 you know, and as I progressed from being a supervisor to a manager, you

374 00:24:37,980 --> 00:24:41,400 know, the higher I went, the worse. Yeah, the pressure was,

375 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:44,190 the worse the toxicity was. Yeah. You know,

376 00:24:44,310 --> 00:24:48,030 so that's just the way it was. And it's funny when in September,

377 00:24:48,030 --> 00:24:51,090 that was a few months after we met, even though he didn't go into so

378 00:24:51,090 --> 00:24:54,810 much detail for some reason, I was able to pick that up from

379 00:24:54,810 --> 00:24:57,240 his face, his demeanor. And I thought to myself,

380 00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:02,190 this guy has there's something like, um, that he has to offer that there's

381 00:25:02,190 --> 00:25:07,230 something I mean, he's authentic, but he needs more peace.

382 00:25:07,230 --> 00:25:10,480 There's there's. He's better than what he's seen,

383 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,330 even though he wasn't a bad person. But there was something I noticed.

384 00:25:13,330 --> 00:25:15,280 He was struggling with something. And, you know,

385 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:20,230 I looked at him and I literally said, I'm giving you five years to live.

386 00:25:20,230 --> 00:25:22,330 For some reason, I don't know where that came from.

387 00:25:22,330 --> 00:25:27,460 And and I said shortly after, I, I think you should quit your job.

388 00:25:27,730 --> 00:25:33,400 And it may seem it's quite unorthodox in that way for women who've just met

389 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:37,090 to say, quit your job, quit your job. But I basically, Heather,

390 00:25:37,090 --> 00:25:41,020 I felt so comfortable with him in our conversations.

391 00:25:41,020 --> 00:25:44,320 I could just tell him what I was thinking and he wouldn't take it

392 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:47,020 personally. And it was a difficult choice.

393 00:25:47,020 --> 00:25:49,390 It was a choice. I had to think about it because

394 00:25:49,390 --> 00:25:52,330 think about it. If you're working for the government,

395 00:25:52,750 --> 00:25:57,820 right? Yeah, you have a job for life. So here I was about to make a

396 00:25:57,820 --> 00:26:03,700 decision to give up something that I could have for the next 30 years

397 00:26:03,790 --> 00:26:08,770 and never get fired, you know? So so that was a big decision,

398 00:26:08,770 --> 00:26:11,260 you know? But then I had to outweigh my health,

399 00:26:11,260 --> 00:26:15,670 you know? Will I live those 30 years? I think 20 years. Oh, really?

400 00:26:15,670 --> 00:26:18,100 I think he really believed me. I think what he's trying to say,

401 00:26:18,100 --> 00:26:20,470 he believed me. He took me from the moment he

402 00:26:20,470 --> 00:26:22,930 believed in. So anyway, we moved. Oh, but. But it's. True.

403 00:26:22,930 --> 00:26:26,620 It's true. Forward. You look a little too extroverted,

404 00:26:27,190 --> 00:26:31,480 but the point is. But she had. She had good points. Yes.

405 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:36,580 And I think what I needed, what I needed was someone to be on my side.

406 00:26:36,580 --> 00:26:43,240 Yes. To say it's okay if you leave. It's okay if you say no more,

407 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,840 you know, and I'll support you for whatever decision you want

408 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:50,440 to make and what you do after. And I think that was very

409 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:53,020 important because, well, for the first time in my life,

410 00:26:53,020 --> 00:26:58,570 someone actually is saying to me, quit my job or will support me for

411 00:26:58,570 --> 00:27:03,010 leaving my job without having any, oh, no, you can't do that.

412 00:27:03,010 --> 00:27:05,170 You're stupid. Doesn't make any sense.

413 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:08,440 So that kind of support system is excellent.

414 00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:11,830 And I appreciate her for that. Yes, it's really loving.

415 00:27:11,830 --> 00:27:14,620 It's a loving thing to say. You know, this job's killing.

416 00:27:14,620 --> 00:27:17,740 You quit and I'm going to support you even more.

417 00:27:17,770 --> 00:27:21,580 It's a very loving thing to say. And it feels like that really

418 00:27:21,580 --> 00:27:25,060 touched you, Anthony. Really touched you. Spoke to you.

419 00:27:25,660 --> 00:27:28,570 Oh, it did, it did, it did. And then the months after.

420 00:27:28,570 --> 00:27:31,780 I don't know how many, you know. Then I decided to leave.

421 00:27:31,780 --> 00:27:36,790 You know, I just, uh, spoke to my, my, uh, manager and I sent an email

422 00:27:36,790 --> 00:27:43,120 to HR to solidify the deal to make sure I can't go back, you know,

423 00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:49,270 and and I just left, and I took a stroll in Manhattan, and that's it.

424 00:27:49,660 --> 00:27:52,990 And then at first, I was like, oh, what did I do?

425 00:27:53,260 --> 00:27:55,330 But then I said, you know what, Anthony?

426 00:27:55,630 --> 00:27:59,290 You have to keep on moving forward. Yeah.

427 00:27:59,290 --> 00:28:02,200 So I kept on moving forward away from the building,

428 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:07,330 just kept on going. And that was it. And and that story ended basically.

429 00:28:07,330 --> 00:28:11,740 It's brilliant. It's brilliant. It's very courageous,

430 00:28:11,740 --> 00:28:14,710 a very courageous step. And I'm hearing, you know,

431 00:28:14,710 --> 00:28:18,100 in the balance of your relationship just how you support each other.

432 00:28:18,430 --> 00:28:22,210 You know, Anthony, you supported Petula when her father was ill,

433 00:28:22,210 --> 00:28:26,260 even though you weren't together. It's a sense of doing the right thing

434 00:28:26,290 --> 00:28:31,270 in the sense of coming from a true heart, some real love for each other

435 00:28:31,270 --> 00:28:37,360 that was personal and not personal at the same time, and really kind.

436 00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:39,940 Really kind and compassionate. It's lovely.

437 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:44,800 So tell me now, what are the best things, the most pleasurable

438 00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:47,650 things about your relationship? What do you enjoy together?

439 00:28:48,790 --> 00:28:55,660 That's so easy. Go, Anthony. Well, uh, the pleasurable thing

440 00:28:55,660 --> 00:29:00,430 is that how we, first of all, support each other emotionally.

441 00:29:01,970 --> 00:29:05,060 Activity wise. Well, that's the first thing.

442 00:29:05,060 --> 00:29:08,120 The first thing to me is we. We enjoy being together in the

443 00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:12,080 same room. That's number one. Like we're here at this moment in

444 00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:16,430 our entertainment living room. We are comfortable, like we wake

445 00:29:16,430 --> 00:29:19,280 up in the morning and we have our coffee together. It's the first.

446 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:21,800 It's the first and foremost you have to enjoy.

447 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,470 Aside from activities, you have to enjoy each other's company first.

448 00:29:24,470 --> 00:29:28,400 Yes, that's the first thing you know. Wake up in the morning,

449 00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:32,180 we'll have coffee or tea. We'll bring it to bed and just.

450 00:29:32,180 --> 00:29:37,610 And just have a morning moment. Yes. Just just talk about everything

451 00:29:37,610 --> 00:29:41,570 and nothing. Yes. You know, uh, and that's it.

452 00:29:41,570 --> 00:29:44,330 That's the basis of it. Because before you could enjoy

453 00:29:44,330 --> 00:29:47,600 anything external, you have to enjoy the internal.

454 00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:50,690 You have to enjoy the two people that are together, which is me.

455 00:29:50,690 --> 00:29:54,620 And yes, you know, without that there is nothing. There is nothing.

456 00:29:54,620 --> 00:29:58,940 We we genuinely enjoy just being here now.

457 00:29:59,270 --> 00:30:04,190 Now what we enjoy to do well, at least for me now I enjoy to

458 00:30:04,190 --> 00:30:06,620 travel. Thanks to Pachulia. I'm going to take credit.

459 00:30:06,620 --> 00:30:10,370 Because she's been traveling. Pachulia has been traveling for I

460 00:30:10,370 --> 00:30:14,660 don't even know 20 years I guess something like that 25 years you know

461 00:30:14,660 --> 00:30:19,130 and she's traveled to 40 countries. And I've only just started traveling

462 00:30:19,130 --> 00:30:23,690 since we met what seven years now. So but I'm catching up because I

463 00:30:23,690 --> 00:30:27,830 did 20 countries. I'm catching up. I'm catching up.

464 00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:31,130 You know, as long as we don't repeat the countries that she went to.

465 00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:33,770 I'll be able to catch up. There's there a couple. Yeah.

466 00:30:33,980 --> 00:30:37,610 So, you know, but we enjoy that. First and foremost, you know, the,

467 00:30:37,610 --> 00:30:43,760 the the the traveling, the meeting, new people, countries, cultures,

468 00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:47,330 foods. It's it's an experience. It's an experience.

469 00:30:47,900 --> 00:30:53,180 It's an experience. You know. And if anyone who wants to travel,

470 00:30:53,180 --> 00:30:56,720 they they need to because it opens up your mind.

471 00:30:57,460 --> 00:31:01,900 Because you see these diverse peoples, their foods, their how

472 00:31:01,900 --> 00:31:05,680 they live, what they do, you know, their what do you call their,

473 00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:09,580 uh. Um, just way of being. The way of being customs.

474 00:31:09,580 --> 00:31:11,860 That's the word. Customs. I'll tell you something interesting,

475 00:31:11,890 --> 00:31:15,130 too. I tested him, uh, the the

476 00:31:15,130 --> 00:31:23,410 September in 2017 when we met, uh, we we had a disagreement again.

477 00:31:23,410 --> 00:31:27,520 The relationship wasn't so strong. It was a few months and a lot of

478 00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:30,790 issues with with him and perhaps myself too.

479 00:31:30,790 --> 00:31:34,480 I was dealing with some stuff at work, and I told him, I said,

480 00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:38,080 I'm going to Mexico and I'm going for a month, so see you.

481 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:42,800 And I said to him, well, if you want to come to Mexico,

482 00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:47,120 I'll be there for a month, you know. So it's up to you by Tata.

483 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:54,140 So he actually came to Mexico, and that was the very first time

484 00:31:54,500 --> 00:31:59,480 he's been out of the country, um, since you were ten years old. Mm.

485 00:31:59,690 --> 00:32:02,240 But that was the very first time I just left.

486 00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:05,920 And I said, if you want to come. I'm there. Come and meet me there.

487 00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:11,830 I'll be there for months, a month. And he did, um, come forward for

488 00:32:11,830 --> 00:32:15,460 two days. 2 to 3 days in Mexico. Maybe three days? Yeah.

489 00:32:15,460 --> 00:32:19,840 Three days. And because he got it. Because I had a I to tell my job,

490 00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:21,760 you know. So I had to tell my boss,

491 00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:25,210 you know. Oh I need to go. And I was trying to get a week

492 00:32:25,210 --> 00:32:29,770 and change, but that wasn't it. So that was his first global

493 00:32:29,770 --> 00:32:33,220 experience with me. And just it started started off

494 00:32:33,220 --> 00:32:35,110 with me simply saying I'm gone for a month.

495 00:32:35,110 --> 00:32:37,630 If you want to come, you can come. If not, that's fine.

496 00:32:37,630 --> 00:32:39,820 I'm gonna have fun anyway, with or without you.

497 00:32:39,820 --> 00:32:43,120 But the thing is, you know, I had a choice. What was my choice?

498 00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:47,710 My choice was I could either stay where I was or go see her.

499 00:32:47,740 --> 00:32:51,340 Go see Petunia, you know? But obviously, why did I go see her?

500 00:32:51,340 --> 00:32:55,030 Because, you know, I had something for her. I cared for her.

501 00:32:55,030 --> 00:32:57,640 So I said, you know what? There's something there.

502 00:32:58,150 --> 00:33:01,870 So why not explore it? And why not go and seize the moment?

503 00:33:02,290 --> 00:33:06,490 You know, another thing that we like to do, Heather, is walking.

504 00:33:06,490 --> 00:33:10,000 We just like to get out of the house and we take long walks during Covid,

505 00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:15,730 uh, we take very long walks, like two hours, three hours even.

506 00:33:15,730 --> 00:33:19,960 We're just walking together. So that's something we do.

507 00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:23,470 And road. Trips. And road trips. Yes. Yeah, we like road. Trips.

508 00:33:23,500 --> 00:33:26,290 Get in the car. We would drive from New York,

509 00:33:26,290 --> 00:33:30,730 Connecticut to Vermont to Vermont, uh, Canada. Canada.

510 00:33:30,910 --> 00:33:34,450 You know, and it would take a good day. Two days.

511 00:33:34,450 --> 00:33:38,290 But it was fun because, you know, you get to to stop at different

512 00:33:38,290 --> 00:33:43,900 towns and meet people and, and just enjoy the scenery, the mountains,

513 00:33:43,900 --> 00:33:47,560 what have you. And you know what? We actually enjoy ourselves because

514 00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:50,350 people would say to me, oh my God, that is so difficult for partners

515 00:33:50,350 --> 00:33:54,120 to do. And I'm like, really? We get along sometimes even

516 00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:57,780 better when we're just driving, when we're traveling, you know,

517 00:33:57,780 --> 00:34:01,140 it's like we are. We're so connected when we're

518 00:34:01,140 --> 00:34:03,960 doing these things. And I said, we,

519 00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:07,530 we we never even have an argument. It's as if we go into support

520 00:34:07,530 --> 00:34:11,070 mode for each other when we're out as well.

521 00:34:11,070 --> 00:34:15,180 Yeah, I notice that that's true. So that's something we'd like to do.

522 00:34:15,180 --> 00:34:19,170 What else do we like to do? Uh, I know traveling, walking,

523 00:34:19,170 --> 00:34:22,590 just the simple things. And when we when we.

524 00:34:22,590 --> 00:34:27,700 Don't, we don't don't, uh. We we stay together,

525 00:34:27,970 --> 00:34:33,790 but we also at the same time, we find time to stay apart because

526 00:34:33,790 --> 00:34:37,210 we have our own personalities. You know, the tool, you may like

527 00:34:37,210 --> 00:34:40,510 to do certain things on our own, you know, and me too.

528 00:34:40,780 --> 00:34:45,310 But when we come together, we enjoy each other's company. And that's key.

529 00:34:46,030 --> 00:34:49,090 Yes, we need that, that private time, because who doesn't?

530 00:34:49,090 --> 00:34:51,970 You know, we need to. To think or focus or not think

531 00:34:51,970 --> 00:34:55,300 at all, you know, and just be at peace with each other.

532 00:34:55,300 --> 00:34:57,640 We, uh, I mean, ourselves with ourselves.

533 00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:01,270 Yes, but I could say that when we do come together,

534 00:35:01,270 --> 00:35:06,260 we enjoy each other's company. That's true, that's true. Oh.

535 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:09,620 Piece of it. Oh. Go on. Do you want to say something else?

536 00:35:10,460 --> 00:35:15,320 So what piece of advice would you give to a new couple?

537 00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:18,860 Meeting at the stage of life when you met, what would you say is the most

538 00:35:18,860 --> 00:35:24,280 important piece of advice you'd give? Well, I know it's a little cliche,

539 00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:27,610 but the communication part is very important. Talk about the book.

540 00:35:27,610 --> 00:35:30,490 Remember, you're making an analogy the other day about the book.

541 00:35:30,580 --> 00:35:33,220 Like the person is like a book and they're slowly opening.

542 00:35:34,070 --> 00:35:39,000 Well, yeah. I mean. At first. When you meet someone,

543 00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:42,390 when two people meet. You don't know the whole story.

544 00:35:43,330 --> 00:35:46,090 But you have to learn who the person is.

545 00:35:47,230 --> 00:35:51,640 Don't expect that the person that you are interested in is going

546 00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:54,910 to tell you their life history. On that first week,

547 00:35:54,910 --> 00:35:59,260 it will not happen. Everyone has a timeline and how

548 00:35:59,260 --> 00:36:03,820 they want to tell you their story. So our story is a book.

549 00:36:03,820 --> 00:36:09,790 We, each of our lives is a story. It's a matter of how we turn the

550 00:36:09,790 --> 00:36:12,430 page. So each person turns the page

551 00:36:12,430 --> 00:36:16,540 slower or faster. But get to know the person.

552 00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:20,590 Get to know the person's personality history.

553 00:36:21,130 --> 00:36:24,580 You know, not in a, in a in a research kind of way.

554 00:36:24,580 --> 00:36:26,740 Yeah. Or a rigid way or. A rigid way,

555 00:36:26,740 --> 00:36:30,910 but an authentic way. Yes. You know, sometimes we could ask

556 00:36:30,910 --> 00:36:33,280 each other questions. You know, in a relationship,

557 00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:35,950 we'll ask each other questions. Or sometimes, you know what?

558 00:36:35,950 --> 00:36:39,640 We'll have a moment and we'll we'll be talking about a particular

559 00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:42,970 subject and then it'll come out. Trigger something. Yes.

560 00:36:42,970 --> 00:36:46,540 I thought something will trigger from peculiar life, you know,

561 00:36:46,540 --> 00:36:50,080 history, uh, past. And she'll say something and

562 00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:52,540 then I'll sometimes I'll wake up in the morning and we'll talk,

563 00:36:52,540 --> 00:36:56,500 and something will come out of me. Yes. About something from my past or.

564 00:36:56,500 --> 00:37:00,220 Or something I like or dislike or or whatever issue I may have

565 00:37:00,220 --> 00:37:03,850 had or no issue. Just sometimes a story is something,

566 00:37:03,850 --> 00:37:05,350 you know, a story about something about.

567 00:37:06,010 --> 00:37:08,770 Do you know what I'm piecing together?

568 00:37:08,770 --> 00:37:12,190 Uh, it might not be right, but the two of you have a real

569 00:37:12,190 --> 00:37:17,890 sense of curiosity, a real sense of adventure and a sort of wise gaze,

570 00:37:17,890 --> 00:37:21,340 you know, to explore. Like it comes out in your beautiful

571 00:37:21,340 --> 00:37:27,100 book and you're talking about a book and they feel really congruent the

572 00:37:27,100 --> 00:37:30,790 way you're talking about the life book and the way you have written

573 00:37:30,790 --> 00:37:35,710 your travel book. Just so beautiful. But it's so true, though every

574 00:37:35,710 --> 00:37:40,270 one of us has individuals, we we are a book. Yes, we are a book.

575 00:37:40,300 --> 00:37:44,230 We are our own book. Our own story in life, you know,

576 00:37:44,230 --> 00:37:48,190 it's just a matter of of how do we portray that book to the ones

577 00:37:48,190 --> 00:37:52,780 we love? That's true. You know, and, and and obviously,

578 00:37:52,780 --> 00:37:55,450 if you're in a relationship with someone and I tell people who

579 00:37:55,450 --> 00:38:00,320 want to be in a relationship. Sometimes give that person time

580 00:38:00,590 --> 00:38:04,550 because like I said, some people turn those pages real quick and say,

581 00:38:04,550 --> 00:38:06,860 oh, I'm this, I'm that, and this is what happened to me.

582 00:38:06,860 --> 00:38:10,760 And other people take their time because it's about personality too,

583 00:38:10,790 --> 00:38:14,630 because the personality, you know, will allow only

584 00:38:14,630 --> 00:38:18,050 certain things to be said. And, you know, and,

585 00:38:18,050 --> 00:38:21,800 and the traumatic things that in people's lives will come out.

586 00:38:22,470 --> 00:38:25,740 When there's trust so you can love someone.

587 00:38:25,740 --> 00:38:29,790 But there's also a trust factor. Do you trust that person that's

588 00:38:29,790 --> 00:38:32,610 going to take that information, use it against you?

589 00:38:32,910 --> 00:38:36,420 You know, because sometimes, you know, we all have our fears and, you.

590 00:38:36,420 --> 00:38:39,660 Know, and I think with, with Anthony just could be very honest.

591 00:38:39,870 --> 00:38:46,240 Like he. He was a difficult person. I'm going to be honest and you

592 00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:49,120 know that you had made that. You're stubborn, he's stubborn.

593 00:38:49,120 --> 00:38:53,260 And he was very difficult because one of I mentioned in my book,

594 00:38:53,260 --> 00:38:57,880 My Happy Escape Adventures off of a global journal when I started, when I

595 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:01,270 started working on this book about traveling around the world globally,

596 00:39:01,780 --> 00:39:07,000 I did not include my life as someone who migrated from Jamaica to the US.

597 00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:10,660 At first my editor said, you have to include you.

598 00:39:10,660 --> 00:39:14,200 And so I started sharing now certain traumas,

599 00:39:14,200 --> 00:39:20,170 culture shock coming to the US. Um, and, and the issue of social

600 00:39:20,170 --> 00:39:24,400 issues that I'm encountering as a teenager, not, you know, just being

601 00:39:24,400 --> 00:39:29,200 very naive or trusting in a society, a new society that I was supposed

602 00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:31,900 to fall in love with, you know, the land of opportunity and

603 00:39:31,900 --> 00:39:36,160 encountering so many different, uh, challenges, like many women or

604 00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:40,600 people or someone who's migrated, um, from a different culture,

605 00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:44,890 different backgrounds. So the book chronicles this

606 00:39:44,890 --> 00:39:50,710 journey of not only escaping, but learning to let go, uh,

607 00:39:50,710 --> 00:39:55,570 and moving away and moving towards, uh, that which makes you happy.

608 00:39:56,350 --> 00:39:59,230 Uh, many times I'll hear people say during the writing of this book,

609 00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:02,230 why are you escaping? Why escape? I said, no, it's my happy escape,

610 00:40:02,230 --> 00:40:05,830 and I have the right to escape. Anything I want to run away from

611 00:40:05,830 --> 00:40:09,910 if it doesn't serve me. And I think that's the case with

612 00:40:09,910 --> 00:40:13,240 this relationship. I went to China along with my work,

613 00:40:13,240 --> 00:40:16,960 you know, my my job as a professor at a particular university.

614 00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:20,560 So another thing that we were escaping and I didn't want to

615 00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:23,110 mention in this interview, but we have to be authentic and

616 00:40:23,110 --> 00:40:27,580 honest, is the first day we met, Anthony told me, oh,

617 00:40:27,610 --> 00:40:31,990 my family will not accept you because of our cultural differences or

618 00:40:31,990 --> 00:40:37,420 physically cultural differences. And and that was and that was on

619 00:40:37,420 --> 00:40:41,980 our first date. So that was a shock to my system,

620 00:40:42,460 --> 00:40:44,350 you know, and I and I want to bring that up

621 00:40:44,350 --> 00:40:49,600 because that brought in new like traumas for me in the relationship.

622 00:40:49,900 --> 00:40:55,720 And I was struggling like for a year, two years, even three years in

623 00:40:55,720 --> 00:40:58,360 this relationship. So I want people to know out

624 00:40:58,360 --> 00:41:01,630 there that relationship is not a bed of roses.

625 00:41:01,630 --> 00:41:05,140 Oh, I met I meet my prince and my, you know, my Prince Charming and oh,

626 00:41:05,140 --> 00:41:08,200 that's it from. It's it's it's downhill from here on.

627 00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:13,180 No, you know, we came into this relationship him being traumatized,

628 00:41:13,180 --> 00:41:17,320 you know, not only from work but from his his mother's perception

629 00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:21,280 of who he should be dating versus who he should not be dating.

630 00:41:21,550 --> 00:41:25,480 Um, in terms of what they look like or culture or, or based on culture.

631 00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:29,260 So that was a header that was a shock to my system.

632 00:41:29,260 --> 00:41:31,840 And I mentioned it in slightly in the book. I brought it up.

633 00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:35,290 It wasn't the focus, of course, but I had to include that.

634 00:41:35,980 --> 00:41:41,350 Um, and it, it, it was a challenge for years actually.

635 00:41:41,350 --> 00:41:44,650 And Anthony, who love this loves his mom so much.

636 00:41:44,650 --> 00:41:47,290 And I always, you know, growing up in my culture as a Jamaican,

637 00:41:47,290 --> 00:41:51,010 we were taught to respect elderly, the elders, no matter what.

638 00:41:51,250 --> 00:41:54,580 Even if they shake you, you still have to give them respect.

639 00:41:54,580 --> 00:41:58,480 So I'm struggling with, okay, this woman doesn't know me,

640 00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:01,720 and yet she doesn't like me because she knows you know what I represent.

641 00:42:01,720 --> 00:42:06,790 I come from a cultural perspective, so I had still had to respect from

642 00:42:06,790 --> 00:42:09,880 that perspective, because it's a cultural thing where you have to

643 00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:12,880 respect those who, you know, individuals who are older than you.

644 00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:16,270 And so we're struggling, and I'm struggling with him, too.

645 00:42:16,270 --> 00:42:19,270 I'm saying, well, why can't you do this? Why can't you do that?

646 00:42:19,270 --> 00:42:25,210 There was a moment when I had to say, uh, there was a moment in the

647 00:42:25,210 --> 00:42:27,790 relationship. Whenever we would bring his mom up

648 00:42:27,790 --> 00:42:30,970 or that issue, he would get angry. He would get like,

649 00:42:30,970 --> 00:42:34,030 I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it because

650 00:42:34,390 --> 00:42:38,980 it was defined as, wait, wait, wait, wait, you saw it as a moment.

651 00:42:38,980 --> 00:42:40,960 It's a sensitive topic for him, right?

652 00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:45,220 And he started protecting me and he started protecting his mom, too.

653 00:42:45,220 --> 00:42:48,280 And I love the love between a mom, you know. So I've never tried to.

654 00:42:48,460 --> 00:42:50,860 As a matter of fact, I oftentimes say, well, when you

655 00:42:50,860 --> 00:42:53,380 go see your mom, make sure you give her a big kiss and a big hug.

656 00:42:53,380 --> 00:42:56,590 Always do that, because there are times when Anthony just says,

657 00:42:56,590 --> 00:42:59,470 I don't want to see her, because I just want to be with you,

658 00:42:59,470 --> 00:43:01,270 and I don't want to see her. And I said, no,

659 00:43:01,270 --> 00:43:05,440 you are going to go see your mom every two weeks or whenever you want,

660 00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:07,870 and you're going to love her. Just connect with her,

661 00:43:07,870 --> 00:43:10,810 take photos with her. You know, no matter, even if she

662 00:43:10,810 --> 00:43:13,120 doesn't want to see me, doesn't want to meet me, it doesn't matter.

663 00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:16,420 I want you to have a good relationship with your mom.

664 00:43:16,420 --> 00:43:19,990 Because when she's gone, number one, I don't want you to resent me.

665 00:43:19,990 --> 00:43:24,430 And number two, I want you to have great memories like I do with my dad.

666 00:43:25,180 --> 00:43:28,510 Uh, or do you know, off my dad? Rather so, so.

667 00:43:28,510 --> 00:43:34,750 Well, no, but it was a traumatic experience for me. And we. And it's.

668 00:43:34,750 --> 00:43:38,920 Honestly, Heather, it is recently, maybe a year, Anthony.

669 00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:42,160 A year and a half that we've actually we had a.

670 00:43:42,370 --> 00:43:45,820 You had a breakthrough and we had a breakthrough in a relationship

671 00:43:45,820 --> 00:43:51,940 where it's like, you know what? We. It's. We have to live our lives.

672 00:43:52,820 --> 00:43:56,000 No matter what. And we and we, we know for a

673 00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:59,630 fact that we love each other. And that's what matters.

674 00:43:59,630 --> 00:44:03,740 So people basically what I'm saying, Heather, um, we're going to

675 00:44:03,740 --> 00:44:07,850 enter relationships with a lot of different issues, of course,

676 00:44:07,850 --> 00:44:11,600 but how do we address that? Do we love each other enough to

677 00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:16,670 make sure we we we stay together? Are we are or are we going to

678 00:44:16,670 --> 00:44:22,030 have someone just. Tear us apart. And we we, we've chosen to be

679 00:44:22,030 --> 00:44:24,640 together and continue loving each other no matter what.

680 00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:27,130 Well, everything is a choice in life. Everything.

681 00:44:27,130 --> 00:44:32,560 So when I when I first met her or before I even met Pachulia, you know,

682 00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:38,590 I'm looking on the internet and it doesn't matter what culture or color,

683 00:44:39,310 --> 00:44:43,690 whatever you want to call it that the the woman may be I,

684 00:44:43,690 --> 00:44:46,330 I was I was just interested. I just looked at the characteristics,

685 00:44:46,330 --> 00:44:49,090 I look at the beauty, I looked at who the person was.

686 00:44:49,090 --> 00:44:51,130 I wasn't looking at color. Let's put it away.

687 00:44:51,130 --> 00:44:57,200 I wasn't looking at color, you know. And at that point I made decisions

688 00:44:57,200 --> 00:45:00,980 like, and here I'm coming in. I know how my family is, my family,

689 00:45:00,980 --> 00:45:04,280 and it hurts me to even say this, that they are racist and they're

690 00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:06,260 hateful people. And, you know, and I hate saying

691 00:45:06,260 --> 00:45:08,870 that because they're my family, they're my blood.

692 00:45:08,870 --> 00:45:11,870 They're the ones who created me and made me, you know, and it's not

693 00:45:11,870 --> 00:45:15,980 something that is easy to share. You know, I mean, I could tell you

694 00:45:15,980 --> 00:45:20,630 this, but it's not easy for me to say because there's still my blood.

695 00:45:21,110 --> 00:45:24,470 But at the same time, I had to make a choice.

696 00:45:24,950 --> 00:45:31,520 So do I go out or get into a relationship with someone that I

697 00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:37,610 want to, or do I only choose certain types or certain people.

698 00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:42,110 That they approve. Of? Right. Well, obviously. I'll say that.

699 00:45:43,520 --> 00:45:46,580 But I still make the choice. I do the choice. You know what?

700 00:45:47,060 --> 00:45:50,210 I saw Petunia and I saw her as an individual.

701 00:45:50,210 --> 00:45:52,850 I didn't see her as anything else, you know.

702 00:45:52,850 --> 00:45:56,210 And that's another point for people who are getting into relationships

703 00:45:56,210 --> 00:46:00,500 right now, especially in this world so diverse and, you know,

704 00:46:00,830 --> 00:46:05,540 heterosexual, homosexual, whatever, whatever your designation is and

705 00:46:05,540 --> 00:46:10,370 whoever you're you're you're looking for or whoever you're attracted to,

706 00:46:10,700 --> 00:46:14,180 go for it. Make that choice. Don't worry about the world.

707 00:46:14,180 --> 00:46:19,610 Don't worry about family or people who love you and say, oh,

708 00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:23,210 that's the wrong choice. No, no, it's not the wrong choice.

709 00:46:23,210 --> 00:46:26,030 It's your choice. Now, whether that relationship works

710 00:46:26,030 --> 00:46:29,270 out, that's between you two now. Yes, it's between you two.

711 00:46:29,450 --> 00:46:35,240 But take that step and move forward. Because when everyone else is

712 00:46:35,240 --> 00:46:39,560 gone from your life, who who do disapproved of you,

713 00:46:39,590 --> 00:46:42,650 it's only going to be you two. No one else is going to be around.

714 00:46:43,190 --> 00:46:48,550 Yeah, so. But, but. The choice I made was clear and

715 00:46:48,670 --> 00:46:52,990 that's what I wanted. And I think in hindsight,

716 00:46:53,260 --> 00:46:56,680 on the first day when we met and I told her that my family wouldn't

717 00:46:56,680 --> 00:46:59,890 accept her because they were racist. I mean, it was a little too much

718 00:46:59,890 --> 00:47:02,950 to give. It was it was like. I think it was a little too much.

719 00:47:03,040 --> 00:47:05,680 Yeah. But but I was very pragmatic and I

720 00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:09,010 was like, you know what, Mr. Richie? I was like, basically, look,

721 00:47:09,250 --> 00:47:12,460 look, I like you. I want to go out with you,

722 00:47:12,460 --> 00:47:15,610 but this is the, the the crap that you're going to, you're going to

723 00:47:15,610 --> 00:47:19,900 have this is what's going on. So either we move forward or just,

724 00:47:19,900 --> 00:47:22,720 you know, say goodbye. That was him putting it out

725 00:47:22,720 --> 00:47:27,670 there on the table and me, uh, thinking, oh, he's exaggerating.

726 00:47:27,670 --> 00:47:30,400 There's no such thing like that. I don't it doesn't make any

727 00:47:30,400 --> 00:47:34,930 sense to to me at all. So, um, sometimes I question myself.

728 00:47:34,930 --> 00:47:37,210 Here's the question myself. You know, even years ago,

729 00:47:37,540 --> 00:47:41,110 before we met, I said, well, how could how could one person,

730 00:47:41,410 --> 00:47:44,650 how could you have a family that, you know, basically racist and, you

731 00:47:44,650 --> 00:47:51,490 know, and, and I know how they are. So, um, and how do I come out of this

732 00:47:51,490 --> 00:47:55,630 not being that, you know, and. No. And, you know, yes, I, you know,

733 00:47:56,170 --> 00:47:59,860 I have my, my little ways, you know, sometimes, you know, and how I think

734 00:47:59,860 --> 00:48:04,270 about people and stuff like that. But all in all, I,

735 00:48:04,630 --> 00:48:10,140 I'm true to who I am. And I look at everybody in a in

736 00:48:10,140 --> 00:48:12,510 a good way. You know, I don't I don't say,

737 00:48:12,510 --> 00:48:14,370 well, you know what? I don't like these people.

738 00:48:14,370 --> 00:48:17,250 I don't like those people, you know. Yeah.

739 00:48:17,250 --> 00:48:21,180 And I think it's, it's it's just amazing, you know,

740 00:48:21,180 --> 00:48:25,830 and I'm proud of myself that I straight away from that, that.

741 00:48:26,040 --> 00:48:28,710 Negative element. Negative way of thinking.

742 00:48:28,710 --> 00:48:32,610 And that's something he gave up. He actually in some way gave up.

743 00:48:32,610 --> 00:48:34,590 I don't know if it's for me. I think he was already drifting

744 00:48:34,590 --> 00:48:39,930 away from the toxicity. Uh, and he just didn't like that. So.

745 00:48:39,930 --> 00:48:43,380 Well, I was in a, I was in a prior mixed relationship,

746 00:48:43,890 --> 00:48:48,750 you know, years prior. And many of my family already

747 00:48:49,200 --> 00:48:53,710 didn't talk to me already. So I already had that issue prior.

748 00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:59,620 So I, I already had a disconnect. So that disconnect was already there.

749 00:49:00,100 --> 00:49:03,040 So when I went into this relationship with Batuu,

750 00:49:03,340 --> 00:49:08,770 you know, it was already gone. That relationship my with most

751 00:49:08,770 --> 00:49:11,710 of my family was already gone. The only person that I keep in

752 00:49:11,710 --> 00:49:16,570 touch with is my mother. Because. Because as much as I disagree

753 00:49:16,570 --> 00:49:21,310 with her thoughts, and as much as I actually dislike

754 00:49:21,430 --> 00:49:27,310 her for not accepting the Tulia. At the end of the day, she's my

755 00:49:27,310 --> 00:49:34,060 mother. Yes. And I, she created me. And how do I dismiss her completely?

756 00:49:34,060 --> 00:49:36,460 No. And nobody asks. No, no no no, I'm not saying.

757 00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:39,970 And I wouldn't allow you to do that. And it's like you can't I wouldn't,

758 00:49:39,970 --> 00:49:41,950 you know, and that's that's the thing, you know, honestly.

759 00:49:41,950 --> 00:49:43,630 If you dismiss her, he would not be taught.

760 00:49:43,630 --> 00:49:47,050 I would say, do not speak to me. Go, go talk to your mom.

761 00:49:47,050 --> 00:49:49,780 Go love. Which I do. But basically she she's the only one

762 00:49:49,780 --> 00:49:53,140 that I pretty much did contact with. Yes, because she's the only one

763 00:49:53,140 --> 00:49:56,470 that's really relevant to me. The rest of the family.

764 00:49:56,470 --> 00:49:58,270 You know what it is? What it is. Yeah, but.

765 00:49:58,270 --> 00:50:00,280 At the end of the day, Heather, it's it's.

766 00:50:00,460 --> 00:50:04,540 I love what you said, Anthony, about just love who you want to love.

767 00:50:04,540 --> 00:50:06,910 Forget the world. Just connect because you have to

768 00:50:06,910 --> 00:50:11,650 do what is best for your soul. And you have to, you know,

769 00:50:11,650 --> 00:50:15,160 if you're attracted to someone's energy, you know them physically,

770 00:50:15,160 --> 00:50:18,850 their soul, whatever it is, do not let anyone rob you of that.

771 00:50:18,850 --> 00:50:23,410 And I think that's a great advice, is don't let anyone rob rob you

772 00:50:23,410 --> 00:50:27,400 of your joy and your happiness because of a social construct or

773 00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:30,970 what I call a rigid construct. The energy doesn't know all of

774 00:50:30,970 --> 00:50:33,910 these things, you know, so the energy just knows what you

775 00:50:33,910 --> 00:50:37,270 need to love. You need affection. You need to connect with with a

776 00:50:37,390 --> 00:50:43,000 with a soulmate or someone and and just do that without resisting.

777 00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:47,350 Don't sabotage. Don't sabotage your joy because

778 00:50:47,350 --> 00:50:49,570 of someone else's. Because of someone else's

779 00:50:49,570 --> 00:50:54,940 perspective. Yes, yes. Um, another, uh, advice I would give

780 00:50:54,940 --> 00:50:59,020 is be authentic straightforwardly in your relationship with someone.

781 00:50:59,020 --> 00:51:05,350 Be honest, be yourself. Don't try to to to put on an act,

782 00:51:05,350 --> 00:51:09,610 to be liked, to be loved, be you. Because at the end of the day,

783 00:51:09,610 --> 00:51:11,680 I think that's what people want. Because.

784 00:51:11,680 --> 00:51:16,840 So you allow that other person to be himself or herself, uh,

785 00:51:16,840 --> 00:51:21,370 go with the flow as well. Um, just go with the flow in a

786 00:51:21,370 --> 00:51:23,530 relationship. Um, remember,

787 00:51:23,530 --> 00:51:26,560 there was a moment too, I talk. I'm switching here that I talk about

788 00:51:26,560 --> 00:51:30,640 when we're together now is we share roles. We don't share roles because.

789 00:51:30,640 --> 00:51:32,860 Oh, this is a guy's role. This is a woman's role. No.

790 00:51:32,860 --> 00:51:35,230 Anthony does the dishes because for some reason,

791 00:51:35,230 --> 00:51:39,430 he's just good at doing the dishes. I do the laundry he hates,

792 00:51:39,430 --> 00:51:41,470 like sweeping. I love cleaning, so I'm always,

793 00:51:41,470 --> 00:51:45,160 like, wiping the floors. I have, um, hardwood floors.

794 00:51:45,160 --> 00:51:47,470 I love that so much. I'm, like, dancing around.

795 00:51:47,470 --> 00:51:52,150 That's my, you know, that's my joy. And and I love cleaning in that way.

796 00:51:52,150 --> 00:51:57,820 So we we do things that come natural for both of us.

797 00:51:57,820 --> 00:52:01,300 I sometimes I'll cook. Oh yes. Sometimes I'll cook. Yes.

798 00:52:01,390 --> 00:52:04,450 Sometimes Petunia will cook. Yeah. We share that. We share.

799 00:52:04,690 --> 00:52:07,630 Uh, like I say, washing the dishes is nothing for me because I don't

800 00:52:07,630 --> 00:52:10,510 know why. I just like doing it. So it doesn't. Yes.

801 00:52:10,510 --> 00:52:14,260 I don't know why, but it's something I could do. But laundry, I can't.

802 00:52:14,380 --> 00:52:15,880 You can't stand laundry. But you know what?

803 00:52:15,880 --> 00:52:19,030 I have actually, only recently. Yeah. I've been I've been doing some

804 00:52:19,030 --> 00:52:22,930 laundry, but for some reason, I just can't take it before. As a matter.

805 00:52:22,930 --> 00:52:26,800 Of fact, before he would just up to until like less than a year ago,

806 00:52:26,800 --> 00:52:30,010 he would still bring his laundry to his mother's house. She's so happy.

807 00:52:30,010 --> 00:52:32,620 And I said, you know what? If that's what makes her happy,

808 00:52:32,620 --> 00:52:37,120 let her do it because she loves to do that. So I said, why not? So as you.

809 00:52:37,120 --> 00:52:41,020 So what we do here, we do not create rules for each other.

810 00:52:41,020 --> 00:52:45,670 We don't impose any particular rules about what you do here,

811 00:52:45,670 --> 00:52:48,940 what you don't. We allow we just we just be

812 00:52:48,940 --> 00:52:53,620 ourselves in whatever it is we do. But I think that the most

813 00:52:53,620 --> 00:52:58,540 important thing for us, you know, and for people who are just getting

814 00:52:58,540 --> 00:53:03,460 into a relationship or whether the first time or the 10th time.

815 00:53:04,630 --> 00:53:07,870 Before you get into a relationship, just like with us, you have to

816 00:53:07,870 --> 00:53:13,810 first be happy with yourself. Yes. And you have to love yourself. Yes.

817 00:53:13,810 --> 00:53:16,960 You cannot love another individual. And I don't like I know she

818 00:53:16,960 --> 00:53:19,570 doesn't like me using cannot and. No. And, uh.

819 00:53:19,690 --> 00:53:23,350 But the thing is, you have to love yourself first. Yes.

820 00:53:23,380 --> 00:53:27,430 Be proud of who you are as an individual. Yes.

821 00:53:27,430 --> 00:53:30,970 And you're happy with yourself. And you can say, hey,

822 00:53:31,120 --> 00:53:34,540 if no one's around, I'm happy with myself. Yes. Yeah.

823 00:53:34,540 --> 00:53:38,710 And then you're able to give that authentic self yes to someone else.

824 00:53:38,710 --> 00:53:43,980 Yes. And and it sounds so, um. Little strange right now,

825 00:53:43,980 --> 00:53:47,940 but you know how a lot of women, we still a lot of women love to put

826 00:53:47,940 --> 00:53:51,960 on a lots of makeup and so forth. You know what? Take some off.

827 00:53:51,960 --> 00:53:55,290 Let the person also see you for who you are.

828 00:53:55,320 --> 00:53:58,500 You know, nothing's wrong with the little eyeliner or lipstick and

829 00:53:58,500 --> 00:54:01,920 things like that, but I've seen people who just like when they

830 00:54:01,920 --> 00:54:04,980 take it off, they're so different. So you don't want the person to say,

831 00:54:04,980 --> 00:54:08,280 who's that person? You want the person to connect

832 00:54:08,280 --> 00:54:12,690 with you? You naturally. Exactly. That was the issue with the

833 00:54:12,690 --> 00:54:17,850 online dating, too. You know, uh, so many people would,

834 00:54:17,850 --> 00:54:20,460 uh, I guess, you know, there's so many programs now,

835 00:54:20,460 --> 00:54:25,950 apps where you can change your face. You could, uh, you can make it

836 00:54:25,950 --> 00:54:29,010 filter, you can make it smoother. You could change the hair color

837 00:54:29,010 --> 00:54:34,080 your eyes even. Shade lighter, too. So, you know, it really distorts

838 00:54:34,080 --> 00:54:38,310 who you really are. Yes. Now, when you distort yourself,

839 00:54:38,310 --> 00:54:40,980 you really saying that you're not happy with yourself?

840 00:54:41,160 --> 00:54:45,570 How could you really say correct? You know, and that's a big red flag.

841 00:54:45,570 --> 00:54:47,550 Not for the other person, but for you.

842 00:54:48,030 --> 00:54:51,750 Because that means you don't want no one to see you, who you really are,

843 00:54:51,900 --> 00:54:55,740 and which is actually a travesty because you need to show the world if

844 00:54:55,740 --> 00:54:58,830 you want to put yourself out there, who you really are.

845 00:54:59,010 --> 00:55:02,280 Yeah, yeah, this is really interesting because that's the

846 00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:05,790 work I do in calling in the one, the first person you call in is

847 00:55:05,790 --> 00:55:10,590 yourself. Mhm, mhm. And then when you're confident

848 00:55:10,590 --> 00:55:15,180 and happy with yourself you call in somebody who's the same. Mm.

849 00:55:16,050 --> 00:55:19,560 Yeah. It seems like, you know. Neither of you have done that work,

850 00:55:19,560 --> 00:55:21,510 but you've come to it naturally yourselves,

851 00:55:21,510 --> 00:55:27,030 which is just a joy to behold. Ah, well, I guess we've come to

852 00:55:27,030 --> 00:55:29,970 the end of our time, but it's just been an absolute

853 00:55:29,970 --> 00:55:33,750 pleasure and joy to speak to you, and thank you for being so honest,

854 00:55:33,960 --> 00:55:39,720 candid, kind and just full on. It's just delightful to see such life

855 00:55:39,720 --> 00:55:43,050 in a relationship. It's beautiful. Thank you. Well thank you, thank you.

856 00:55:43,050 --> 00:55:45,900 It was such a pleasure. Thanks for having us.

857 00:55:46,380 --> 00:55:49,950 Oh, thank you very much. Bye for now. All right.