Hi. In this podcast I'm going to talk about creating more life in your relationship. How to enrich it, enliven it, revitalize it.

Has your relationship become a bit tired or stilted? Are you more coworkers in the family rather than a close couple anymore? Have you stopped communicating warmly and openly? Have you even become at worst, more intimate enemies than close friends and lovers?

Emotional connection is so important for the happiness of a couple. The research shows that we are emotionally attuned to our partner and our mood is coloured by theirs and vice versa. Anxiety levels can be raised or lowered by the quality of connection. If you are cautious of each other, fractious and competitive, then it's likely that the emotional connection creates anxiety and life isn't very pleasurable. It can even affect your ability to think and act because you're in a low level fight and flight state all of the time, more of your blood will be in the back of your brain. Brain in survival mode.

It literally reduces the blood flow to your cerebral cortex, your frontal lobes, so you'll be less likely to be able to think or communicate. Clearly. Making decisions, learning and being creative will also be affected. So if you are loving, appreciative, and accepting, open and kindly honest together, then you are likely to be calmer, warmer, and relaxed, and enjoy your life together. It makes sense to nurture it for the peace of mind, joy that it brings, and so that you can begin building your life together rather than just bearing it or surviving in it.

So number one, start a date night. Again, could be an afternoon, could be first thing in the morning, whatever suits you, but it could be you've lost your date time together, you've deprioritized your relationship. So get that back in place. So many things will come from there. Choose something you both enjoy. Maybe dinner, a film, a sports event, a walk together, whatever it is, make sure there are some time to talk at least half an hour. If your partner is open and willing, it's easy. But if you've lost connection and trust, there might be coolness and you might need a lighter touch. Just be curious about their thoughts and feelings. Maybe what they say about the film, about the dinner. Just ask a little more. This can be a way into a deeper conversation.

If your partner is on the logical practice, practical side of their personality, they probably won't so much welcome being asked how they feel. They might want to tell you more about what they think, what they've done, and give you opinions. This doesn't mean they're egotistical, it just means they're that way focused. They're more instrumental than expressive in old fashioned terms. They're more in their masculine mode, not feminine. If they're more touchy feely, the expressive side, it might be better to ask how they feel about things. Be curious, not judgmental. This is part of getting to know them on the inside. Again, if things have got so worn down that you are reluctant to do that, or you say you will, but never get to a date, you may have a bit more work to do. First, here are some ideas for both possibilities and to get things started.

Appreciate rather than criticize each other to reestablish connection. Look at the ways you criticize or annoyed or are annoyed by your partner. Make a note of how many times a day you might be chipping away at them. Passively, aggressively, small, negative comments, approval, nudges of blaming or shaming. Challenge yourself to list the things that you really appreciate about them. It may be things you've overlooked that you take for granted or don't consider important, but which make life smoother or take some pressure off.

You could be in your blind spot, you know, but nonetheless important criticism and lack of appreciation are some of the things that can cause us to spiral down into mutual lack of recognition. It creates disconnection and disinterest. When one person feels really taken for granted and that what they think isn't important, it's invalidated or dismissed. They're not gonna feel very warm or loving, open or responsive. They could even be trying to express their love and affection in their love language, and that really needs to be appreciated. Appreciation in itself will create softness and warmth.

Be grateful and appreciative towards yourself, your partner and life. One of my favorite exercises is to sit together and tell each other three things you're grateful for. By turn, first one of you, then the other. Then three things that you can pat yourself on the back for today by turn again, and then three things you appreciate about them today. This can be an easy way to connect because by knowing what they're grateful for, you'll know what matters to them. By hearing what they appreciate about themselves and are proud of, you will know what things are difficult for them or big achievements, what to celebrate with them. By knowing what they appreciate about you, you will know what to do more of, you will know each other so much better and be able to express love implicitly in this exercise. It can be done on your date night as a regular weekly thing. I know some people who do it as a family, you can do it daily over dinner or when you go to bed. It doesn't have to be formal, you know it can be done slowly and gently over a period of time and conversation.

Look at the points of conflict and agree to work on them. Notice what the things are that trigger you into irritation, snappiness, criticism, shaming, or blaming, and think about how you want to handle those things together. What are your triggers? Is it lateness? Clearing up the kitchen, not listening while you're talking. Whatever it is, talk to each other about it and see if there are ways you can handle it differently so you get a win-win. It might even be that your partner doesn't understand the effect of their actions upon you, how it makes you feel. You might feel unimportant to them that they don't care about you or you might feel unloved. Being open and vulnerable about your feelings can give that person a choice to do something differently in the future. If they don't know about your feelings, and most of us aren't mind readers, they can't take them into her account.

One thing that I find really opens up possibilities between couples is to do the online love languages quiz together and discover what each other's strongest love languages are, and it's so important for us to feel loved and loving. I'm just gonna name the love languages, so we're all clear. Their acts of service, quality, time spent together, physical touch, words of appreciation or affirmation, gifts, and I think there's another one which is giving space for self-care and self-expression. This might mean a bit of solitude, but I think that's really quite important. Understanding each other's primary love languages will help you express love to them in a way that they can receive and vice versa. It may take a bit of practice, but it's really well worth it.

Most people will be interested in getting and giving more love, even if they won't admit it upfront. So if your partner's love language, his acts of service, do some little things for them. Just prepare things in advance or make them a packed lunch, but whatever it is that just takes the pressure off them. If they like quality time spent together, make some time to be together and do something nice. They may just want to be with you without anybody else. They may want to go off and do something, sociable, inquire, see what it would be that would work for them.

Yes it can be as simple as doing household tasks together that can make somebody feel happy and loved, not alone doing things. So let's move on to physical touch. It's important to most of us, but not all of us. Simply holding hands can give a feeling of love and connection. Snuggling up to watch a film on TV can really enhance the experience and generate warmth. Also, kissing hello and goodbye and allowing tender moments can really be affirming to the relationship you're in. Many of us feel loved through sex, so it's important to discuss that too and make a place for it in your life if it's important for the two of you. And words of appreciation can be just so important. If you're never told that you look nice or that it was lovely of you to do the driving or book the film, you'll likely feel unseen and undervalued. If your love languages is words of appreciation, the touchy feely people amongst us often really need that. They need just the words.

Often, if our love languages are different, we don't get it that the other person wants one of the others. Giving or receiving gifts is a very sweet connection if your love languages of gifts. But if it's words of appreciation, gifts won't necessarily cut it. If you love words of appreciation and your partner is an acts of service person, they're not likely to see the point of words even finding them empty or meaningless. They might give you all the acts of service in the world, and it might not touch you unless they're expressed. In some words, understanding this can be liberating to both of you and really jade new possibilities for closeness. You'll each be able to understand when the other is expressing love and to know what to do to make them feel loved.

The final thing is to plan things for the future. There are stages in life when old ways of being no longer so, and it's important to take stock about what you want for the future. Some of the conversations on your date night could include things that you want out of life, activities that you might want to do together or separately, places you might want to visit, activities you might want to learn about, dreams you want to fulfill. This will live your spirits together as you plan these activities to enable you both to experience and enjoy each other and your lives in this world. It could be that revisiting the place you honeymooned or had romantic holidays could really help connection, really help you reconnect with each other and how you were together in those early days of your relationship. I hope this gives you some ideas about how to revitalize your relationship and create a happy home environment. Lots of love as always. Bye for now.