Jess Sagun (Quote) (00:00:00) - I hit rock bottom pretty hardcore and I just remember pouring out whatever I had onto the sink and I just — I just did it all.

Julie Ellis (Intro) (00:00:11) - I'm Julie Ellis and it's time for an episode of Life's a Beach and Then You Die. The show where we discuss the human experience; trials and tribulations, victories and failures, change and adaptation. The things we all experience. We'll uncover intriguing tales of perseverance by exploring the challenges we all face in our own personal journeys and how our decisions in the past shape our future. I'm Julie Ellis.

Julie (00:00:40) - Today we're talking to Jess Sagan, a Myrtle Beach business owner who took what some may call the scenic route to get where she is today. If you saw just now, you would see a successful business owner, devout Christian, loving wife, mother, and grandmother. But what she wouldn't see is the extraordinary journey she's been on, finding herself and her purpose. Her story begins when she found herself in a toxic marriage with two young kids at only 20 years old.

Jess (00:01:17) - I think I was looking for acceptance. I was looking for an escape from the kind of life I'd always known. I think I thought that getting married to this older man and running off would give me this kind of freedom that I had never really experienced. And, um, no.

Julie (00:01:36) - Not long into the marriage, it became evident that it was not a healthy relationship. Jess and her first husband, the father of her children, parted ways.

Jess (00:01:46) - We were married about five years, but you know, I'm a glutton for punishment and that wasn't enough. So I irresponsibly remarried immediately to a guy I met. He was in the military. He introduced me to drugs for the first time. It started off with weed, but before it was over, we had done it all. You know, we were on a military base; everything comes through there. And so my drug of choice ended up being cocaine, for sure — and lots and lots of it. And I began drinking very heavily to manage my cocaine use because I still had to work.

Julie (00:02:18) - What was the appeal of cocaine? What did that do for you that made you feel like you needed it besides a physical addiction? I mean, at first?

Jess (00:02:26) - I felt like my brain worked for the first time, I could remember stuff. I could keep my train of thought. And I know now I was self-medicating. And, it's not maintainable. You just can't keep living like that, because you gotta do more and more and more and more. The thing about drugs is, it leads you to associate with people that really do not have your best interest at heart. And so I ran in a really dangerous crowd of people, some of which really did have my best interest at heart. I had a roommate who was just like, “You have got to get out of this life. Like, this is not for you.”

Julie (00:03:04) - Jess told me about when things truly came to a head for her. Her grandparents, who often acted as parental figures in her life, were taking care of her children. Because of her excessive drug use, they stepped in and would not allow Jess to see her kids.

Jess (00:03:20) - I went to pick up my kids one weekend. And when I got there, my grandpa just put his arm up at the door and he was like, “You can't come in.” And I was like, “What?” He was like, “No, you need some help and you're gonna have to get it for yourself.”

Julie (00:03:32) - What an act of love —- for him. And that must have been really hard for him to stand there and send you away from your own kids, because I'm sure he knew your heart, but he did that for you and for your kids, so what a beautiful thing. What was your reaction to not being able to see your own kids?

Jess (00:03:51) - I hit rock bottom pretty hardcore. I almost died and I was literally in this position where God was like, “Listen. You can follow me or you can just come on now, but you can't keep living like this.” I don't think it ever crossed my mind that I would take my own life, but I did have a real “I don't give a crap” attitude. And I just remember pouring out whatever I had onto the sink and I just — I just did it all.

Jess (00:04:30) - And I had a roommate and he said that when he came into the room, he saw me pick my head up and I just collapsed onto the floor. I could hear commotion happening. I could hear him yelling, “Call 911!” and I could hear the other people saying, “You have lost your mind. We are not calling 911. The police cannot come here.” And so he just stayed with me the whole time. And the next morning, I woke up and he was on the floor beside my bed; and as soon as I woke up, he was like, “I packed all your stuff. I don't know where you're going, but you cannot stay here. If you stay here, you will die. And it is not gonna be on my hands.” And so I had a friend who had recently become a Christian.

Julie (00:05:14) Where did he live?

Jess (00:05:15) In North Myrtle Beach. So we drove down and when we pulled up, he literally walked out of his front door. <laugh> He just started laughing and he was like, “It's crazy, we've been praying for you.” He acted like he had just expected me to show up. And he said, “Listen, you can stay here as long as you want, but you can't drink, you can't do drugs, and you gotta go to church.” And I was like, “Oh, gosh…”

Julie (00:05:34) - And did that strike you as like a prison sentence at the time? Did you feel welcome and relieved?

Jess (00:05:41) - I felt loved.I felt loved and accepted, but I also knew I had a ton of crap going on in me that needed to be resolved. And what happened to me that night, changed my life. That night, I just determined I'm gonna live to be who I was created to be and I'm going to live that way on purpose. That night after I got there, some of the folks who had been praying for me came over to his house. They were like a church group or whatever, and they were praying and I just started crying. I mean, like hysterically. There was this guy; he came over and he just got down on his knees beside the couch and he was just like, “What are you feeling? What's going on?” And I just — I didn't even know it until I opened my mouth — and I just said, “I just feel like I've done so many horrible things and hurt so many people. Like, I don't know if God can forgive me and I don't know if I can forgive myself.” And he just said, “You know, Jess, that's why Jesus came — so that you can know unconditional love, so that you can be forgiven, so you can know what that means.” I had known who Jesus was for a long, long time, but I did not realize his love for me until that moment.

Julie (00:07:00) - So your friend in North Myrtle Beach really had a huge part to play in seeing yourself for who you really are and introducing you to it; a brand of spirituality that definitely, definitely had a profound effect on your life. Do you feel like that night was the catalyst to give you permission to forgive yourself?

Jess (00:07:19) - There are probably some things I haven't forgiven myself for. Since then, <laugh> I've been through a lot of transformation.

Julie (00:07:27) - Mm-hmm. <affirmative> Well that's life though, right?

Jess (00:07:29) - Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Julie (00:07:30) - It's all about constant transformation. We're never just in the place we're supposed to be.

Julie (00:07:41) - Shortly after her transformative experience with her friend, Jess went to stay at a local recovery program and homeless shelter in Myrtle Beach called Street Reach.

Jess (00:07:51) - I was there for about six months, but you couldn't bring anything. Nothing. Women lived upstairs, men lived downstairs; you went to these classes all day long, you served the homeless at night. It just was this very rigorous program of service and discipleship, they called it.

Julie (00:08:10) - During her time at Street Reach, Jess ran into a very important character who would influence the rest of her life.

Jess (00:08:17) - This guy came who was preaching every night they had a sermon. So I'd been playing and writing some music and they had asked me to play. I said, “No, I'm not comfortable doing that.” <laugh> And they were like, “No, you should do it.” So this guy stands up to preach and he talks about using the gifts that God's given you to serve your community. And I was just like, dude, are you reading my mail? What's up with that? Like, no, not acceptable! After he got done, I just picked up my guitar and I just was like, I'm gonna play this song <laugh> and I'm gonna get it over with. So I played my little song and got it over with and when I opened my eyes, he just was standing in the back and he had his hands up and he was crying. And he came up to me afterward and shared that God touched him through it. And that night I dreamed that I married him in this wooden church — and it freaked me out so bad. I woke up the girl in the other dorm. I'm like, “You need to pray for me. I'm having dreams about the preacher tonight.” And she was like, “That's ridiculous. It was just a dream.” You know, “He was nice,” or “He was cute.” We got married in Pawley’s Island in an all wooden church. I'm just saying.

Julie (00:09:26) - How soon after that did you get married?

Jess (00:09:27) - You don't wanna know. <laugh>

Julie (00:09:30) - A week? A month?

Jess (00:09:31) - We met for the first time in October. On Valentine's Day he proposed and we got married three weeks later. He's next level. He's next level human. His name's Walt.

Julie (00:09:41) - Wonderful. How long did you say you’ve been married?

Jess (00:09:44) - Twenty-five years.

Julie (00:09:45) - Twenty-five. So let's get back to your journey. You've met Walt through his ministry at the shelter. What happened next? You got married shortly thereafter – did you settle in Myrtle Beach at that time?

Jess (00:09:57) - Oh yeah. You know, Myrtle Beach was home. We were part of a church; immediately got neck-deep in it, loved it. And then my grandfather, who is like a father to me, got sick with lymphoma and we moved to Cheraw for a while to be close to my family. We had a house fire, we lost everything in a fire — I can't make this stuff up now. <laugh> We ended up coming back to The Beach and my grandfather passed away, right before the 9/11 bombings. Losing him was like losing your anchor. My grandparents definitely were the parental figures of my life, and I'm so grateful for them. I think I spent a lot of my life being angry at my parents for not showing up in a way that was parental. The older I get, instead of being angry at them, I'm really grateful for the way my grandparents showed up in my life and in the lives of my siblings.

Julie (00:10:59) - Jess's grandparents certainly played a huge role for her that was exemplified in their demanding that she get help and by taking care of her kids when she wasn't able to. And in all this, you might be wondering, where was Jess's mom? What was the situation that required her grandparents to be so heavily involved in raising her?

Jess (00:11:19) - My mama struggled with alcoholism and when I went through my own struggle, I realized, wait — this wasn't a choice for her. This was something she really didn't have a lot of control over. She had her own set of hurts and hangups and traumas. She'd had a child she'd given up for adoption. She really regretted it, it was a decision she didn't want to make. So she had a lot of hurt, herself. Through me getting sober and walking in this relationship with God and learning to — I mean, forgiveness is a huge practice of following Christ. I knew that I had to forgive her, but I also got to learn of the things that hurt her. It's crazy. The day before she died, she called me at work. But she never did [that].

Jess (00:12:11) - And she said, “I need to ask you something.” And I said, “What is mom?” She sounded urgent. She was like, “Are we okay?” And I'm like, “What are you talking about?”<laugh> And she said, “No, are we okay? Like, you're okay with me? You don't have any resentment toward me or any unforgiveness?” I was like, “Mom, come on now!” I laughed and she laughed too, but I was like, “Mom, absolutely. You are wonderful and I'm so glad that you're my mom.” And I got to really affirm her.

Julie (00:12:46) - So what happened when your mom passed away? What was that experience like?

Jess (00:12:49) - She had told me several weeks before, “I know I'm not okay. Like, something's wrong. I'm not gonna make it.” She said that to me one day and I was in her room, working on her little oxygen machine, and I just sat down in the chair beside her and I said, “Mom, are you scared?” She said, “Not one bit.” She was like, “I cannot wait to see Jesus. I cannot wait to see my dad again.” She was like, “But I do not want to die having a COPD attack. It's just a horrible feeling. I don't wanna go like that. Every night I ask God to let me have a massive heart attack and just go.” And the next day my daughter called me and she's like, “Something's wrong.” And my mom literally — I thought she was having a COPD attack. We were all on FaceTime. My mom's sitting on the couch with my daughter and she literally laid back on Kenzie, my daughter, and Kenzie put her hand on her head and she was praying for her. And she passed away, right in Kenzie's arms. So when we were at the hospital, the guy comes in, you know, to tell us she's gone. And I said that COPD got her. And he was like, “No, it didn't.” He said, “She had a massive heart attack. She died almost instantly.” I was like, “I’ll be. I will be.”

Julie (00:14:28) - She got what she wanted and in the arms of somebody who loved her. Is that how Kenzie views that? That she was able to be there to comfort her grandmother at that moment?

Jess (00:14:37) - 100%. When Kenzie was 10 years old, she wanted to volunteer for hospice to sit with people who were dying.

Julie (00:14:42) - Oh wow.

Jess (00:14:43) - That is the human she is. When she was little-little, I guess maybe seven or eight, we went to dinner one night and there was an elderly gentleman eating by himself and she was just heartbroken. She couldn't take it. She had to go over and talk to him and make friends with him. And we got home and I was putting her to bed that night and she was just crying. And I'm like, “Kenzie, what's wrong baby?” And she was like, “I just can't stop thinking about that man, how lonely he is, Mom.” And she just couldn't; I mean, she was beside herself and she's a little kid and I said, “Baby, well let's pray for him.” And she said, “No, I have a question.” <laugh> And I said, “Ok.” She said, “Why did God make me like this? Why did he make me like this?” There have been few times that I have felt like God just gave me the right words at the right time. I'm usually like fumbling all over, but I felt like God just spoke to my heart. And I told her, “Kenzie, he gave you a heart like his. He gave you a heart that just loves people and wants to show up for people.” And that's what she does.

Julie (00:15:46) - The world needs people like her, that’s why. For Jess, the loss of her mom caused her to reevaluate her life in a very big way. Jess had been working for a large retail company, which had taken her and her family to San Francisco for a short while, and then back to Myrtle Beach. She also was hired as worship leader at her church, a position in which she served for 15 years.

Jess (00:16:12) - In a career that I've been really fortunate and have had a really good partner. It's been a good run. But at the end of the day, I realize I'm not chasing a lot of the passion that's in me. And a lot of the passion that is in me revolves around where I live. It's here, it's my people, my community. Her death inspired us to pursue a dream.

Julie (00:16:38) - And that dream was opening a restaurant with her daughter Kenzie. I asked her how it all came together.

Julie (00:16:51) - You're the owner of a little establishment here in Myrtle Beach in the old downtown area that's being revitalized and it's called Winna's Kitchen.

Jess (00:17:00) - It is.

Julie (00:17:00) - Who was Winna?

Jess (00:17:01) - Winna’s my mom — her name is Linda, but she loved Winnie the Pooh and she gave my kids a lot of Winnie the Poohs. Anyway, we ended up calling her Winna.

Julie (00:17:12) - Why did you name it after your mom?

Jess (00:17:13) - There's this passage in scripture that says, “Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it can't bear any fruit.” And my mom, for people who knew her, left a legacy of love. She was one of the most loving, accepting, kind people; but I wanted there to be some kind of legacy attached to her, greater than her circle. So our logo is a shaft of wheat that's laid down and it's called Winna's Kitchen. We just, we were riding in the car one day and Kenzie said, “Mom. Winna's Kitchen, we're gonna call it Winna's Kitchen.” And it stuck.

Julie (00:17:57) - Why a restaurant? How did that come about?

Jess (00:17:58) - We'd run an underground little pop-up restaurant that was really successful for about 10 years. I just knew that if we didn't pursue it, we would regret it. So we just made up our mind to do it. My poor husband, he's such a cheerleader because I was like, ”Listen, we're just gonna take all of our savings and we're gonna dump it into this restaurant — and we're gonna go in debt.” And he was like, “I would argue with you, but I know it would be useless. <laugh> You have determined.”

Julie (00:18:29) - And you did it at the beginning of a pandemic.

Jess (00:18:31) - We opened during the pandemic, in the off-season, in Myrtle Beach. <laugh> That wasn't the goal, but timelines kept getting pushed back. We're proud of it. I knew from the beginning I never wanted a 140-, 200-seat restaurant. Absolutely not. It's just not what we're trying to build. You're never gonna get rich opening a 40-seat restaurant — in case anybody has any questions. If anybody's listening, <laugh> I'm just gonna tell you now, it's impossible. You're not gonna do it. But you can foster community; you can provide opportunity for people in your restaurant to learn and thrive and grow. You can create a culture and an atmosphere that fosters real self-worth and development and growth and that's what we're doing.

Julie (00:19:28) - So it's not just a business venture, it is your way to give back to your community and serve.

Jess (00:19:33) - Oh, absolutely.

Julie (00:19:34) - Now tell me about the “Number One,” your biggest seller on your menu at Winna's Kitchen.

Jess (00:19:39) - The Number One was kind of twofold in its creation. Walt and I (my husband) had a coffee shop right after we got married. We opened a coffee shop downtown. It didn't last long. And I'm gonna tell you why. Because I gave everything away. <laugh> Walt used to tell me, “Jess, we can never have a business if you give everything away,” but —

Julie (00:19:56) - Not the best business model there.

Jess: (00:19:57) - No, it's terrible. But listen, a homeless person would come in and I would just be like, “Well, I can't not give these people some food. We gotta feed 'em, we gotta get something to drink.” And Walt was like, “We are literally going broke.” And we did. Our business went broke because we were just giving everything away. And he was like, “You can't do that again.” And I was like, “Yeah, but we gotta be able to serve the community. I cannot tell somebody who comes into our restaurant and I got a refrigerator full of food back there that we just can't help him.” And he was like, “We have to find a better way.” <laugh> So Kenzie had seen this thing called suspended coffee. The idea of suspended coffee is that when you buy your coffee, you buy another coffee for somebody else and they hang a little ticket up.

Jess (00:20:39) - So if somebody comes in, they can just say, “Hey, you got any suspended coffee?” So we were like, let's partner with our patrons and split the cost. So for $5 they can buy a Number One and they can either take a card with them and the card says, ‘Hey, this entitles you to a Number One, just go to [Winna’s Kitchen]. Go into the restaurant, find your seat, present this to the server and you'll be good to go.’ Or they can hang it up, which most people choose to do. They hang it up behind the bar. We have little tags of Number Ones. And folks can come in (and regularly do) and just say, ‘Hey, I'd like to get a Number One’, or ‘Do you have a Number One?’ (And <whispers> we always have a Number One.) <laugh>

Jess (00:21:24) - But folks come in and order and they just are served like anyone else. One of the concepts from Christ United that was always precious to me was that they always wanted to be a church where your bank president and your bank janitor could come and you'd feel equally comfortable. And I see that happen at the restaurant all the time. I see heavy hitters in our community and I see them sharing meals right across the tables from somebody who's homeless and struggling. They're eating the same quality of food and getting the same quality of service. And now I'm like, yeah — that's winning.

Julie (00:22:02) - That’s awesome. And that's your bestseller, right?

Jess (00:22:03) - Number one seller, hands down.

Julie (00:22:05) - That's amazing. And it is a quaint, cute, beautiful restaurant. The food is amazing. The location is great in the older part of Myrtle Beach. It's being revitalized. There's a great vibe that’s starting to really happen down there. And your restaurant's a big part of that. I congratulate you on that, for sure. And so you've got that going and I know your daughter has a big part in running that. And what do you feel now? Do you feel contentment or do you feel like you're still fighting for more or something else?

Jess (00:22:37) - Is that a real thing? Contentment? Does that happen to people? I need to figure that out —

Julie (00:22:42) - Not to some of us, right?

Jess (00:22:43) - You know, it's funny you should ask, because I'm definitely in a huge transition period. I got some pretty scary news about my health last week. That really means I have to change my pace and my stress level. I have been very fortunate — extremely fortunate — in my role, but I do know that it has to change. My heart is really called to this area. You know, Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Who's your neighbor? Whoever crosses your path. And I want to invest my life in this.

Julie (00:23:15) - What is it about the Myrtle Beach area that makes you want to invest your life here?

Jess (00:23:20) - This is where my spiritual story began. But, you know, our bodies are made up of mostly water and there's something about being close to the ocean. Every trouble in this world could be weighing on you and you can just go sit out there beside it and it just — it doesn't make it go away, but it softens the blow. But here's the other thing. Myrtle Beach has every challenge of every small Southern city, but this is one of the most loving, accepting places. I think because Myrtle Beach is very transient, the year-round community here has become very accepting and they have learned to embrace people very quickly because you'll know when they’ll be gone. And so if you wanna go deep, you’ve got to open up quick. It's easy to build friendships and lasting relationships here. It's very welcoming. It has the best parts of the South in that way. There's tons of hospitality and so I just can't get away from it.

Julie (00:24:30) - Well, you can't, and that's one thing I've noticed. I've been here five years myself, but that's just it. Everyone is welcome, regardless of what walk of life you come from. It's truly who we are here at The Beach. And it's truly the waves and the ocean and the Southern hospitality and people who really care. And I'm so happy to know that you've embraced that and brought a beautiful piece of that right to downtown in Winna's Kitchen and can serve that and live that every day and pass it on every day. That makes a huge impact on a community. And I appreciate everything you and your daughter have done there.

Jess (00:25:07) - Thank you. It's a labor of love. <laugh>

Julie (00:25:11) - Labor of love

Jess (00:25:11) - And legacy.

Julie (00:25:12) - Well, and you've already sort of said that you are definitely not done at all anytime soon. But, if you were at the end of your life — later today — do you have any regrets that you haven't already dealt with? What would you be thinking about?

Jess (00:25:29) - I don't think I have any regrets. I mean, do I wish I had never gone through a period of my life where I struggled with drugs? Yes, I definitely wish that was true; but I do think that gives me a level of compassion and understanding for people who I don't know; if I'd ever been able to forgive my parents had I not gone through that.

Julie (00:25:51) - Right?

Jess (00:25:52) - I mean, I hope I don't have any regrets. I think I still have a little struggle with accepting myself, with loving myself. I hope I get to the point one day I can look in the mirror and be like, “Hey, I like you.” I'm not there yet. <laugh>

Julie (00:26:04) - Well, there's an interesting exercise for that. You just talk to yourself the way you talk to your daughter. Have that conversation next time you look in the mirror.

Jess (00:26:17) - Oh, I think now might be my turn to cry. Mm, interesting.

Julie (00:26:23) - And how do you feel about that last passing? Does it scare you to think about passing?

Jess (00:26:29) - I promise I'm not trying to be a bible-talker over here, but there's another passage of scripture. It says, “With long life, I will satisfy him and then I'll show him my salvation.” And that's why I asked the Lord for a long life. And then to see his salvation. I trust that I'll be in the presence of the one who loves me. You know, death's just another life. It's just a different way of living. It's a passing, it's the old becoming new again. And so I trust that when that time comes, he'll give me peace about it.

Julie (00:27:04) - Amen.

Julie (00:27:09) - Jess's story is extraordinary. The struggles she faced in her early life have given her profound empathy for others who face addiction, homelessness, or other difficult situations in their lives. Her incredible passion for her community is evidenced throughout her life, especially at her restaurant, Winna's Kitchen. Winna's Kitchen is located on Main Street in downtown Myrtle Beach. They offer relaxed, elevated comfort food, and the motto on their wall reads, “Have fun. Eat well. Do good.” You can do some good there by ordering the Number One. For more information, check out their website, winnaskitchen.com.

Julie (00:28:03) For more inspiring stories from Myrtle Beach, like Jess’s, keep listening to episodes of Life's a Beach and Then you Die. I'm Julie Ellis. Thanks for listening.